It’s funny how something small can realign your life back into place. A phrase, a word, a laugh. Sometimes it takes something beautiful like the birth of a child or something horrible like the loss of life to either drag people into a hole or, in my case, OUT of a hole.
My sister always said that everyone needs a little fire in the belly to get back to good. She’s right. She’s ALWAYS right, but Mom still loves me more.
The fire in my belly is a combination of happy, sad, regret, realization, and validation of self.
My mother always says, “You’re so much stronger than you know.” She’s right. She hasn’t seen that Kristine in awhile, but she will.
I’ve decided that on Sunday I am going to discontinue my medications. I know, I know…cold turkey is not good. But, my last name has changed a few times over the years, but I’m a Seguin and with that title comes the ‘cold turkey’ gene. Of course, it took a car into a tree and his mouth being wired shut to get my father to stop drinking…but officially, it was cold turkey…and probably some morphine.
The part that I am afraid of with the quiting of medication is the fact that I won’t have this “it’s ‘ight” attitude I have had. Being on medication for anxiety or depression (remember: I’m on it for anxiety) is that you get this, “Oh…really? That sucks.” sort of outlook to life and the things going on around you.
That has worked for me this last year. I needed to just nod my head and say, “whatever” and let stuff just roll of my back like a water does a duck. Quack. Quack.
When Bob died, I realized that the emotion inside of me was so suppressed. Then something tragic happened and it came out in full force. I sobbed. It felt so good to finally let out the tears.
When something good came from something tragic, I grasped it. I renewed a friendship with someone that I was told said something not so flattering about me 14 years ago. At the time when I heard it I thought, “He’s dead to me” and I never talked to him again. It took the death of a friend to reunite me with a friend who was there for me for a long time. We let too much come between us and our friendship. Now we are 14 years older and our lives have taken roads we would have never guessed when we were younger.
His wife, hands down, is one of the coolest women out there. She’s a no-shit type of person. When I went up to Redding I made a special trip to visit Matthew and Leslie and seeing her fire made me miss mine.
We talk on the phone once a week and Matt and I talk shit to each other through IM.
My sister, she has always been my beacon in life. When I get lost she’s there to show me the way and dust me off. I do what she says and she’s always right.
I’m taking my life back. The first part of that is being accountable for the actions in my life. The second part is holding the people in my life accountable for their actions.
I’ve talked to my mom, she’s on board.
I’ve talked to my husband, he’s on board.
My sister is the definition of ‘ON BOARD’.
My kids, they’ll learn and that is the best thing I can give them. A mother who has always been ‘real’ and someone who follows through. Now they get to learn a new trick…it’s called “taking no more shit”
Accountable. I’m accountable for the good things that happened in my life, the bad things that happened in my life and I’m accountable for every breath I take from now on.
Not just better…THE BEST.