Yes there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run there is still time to change the road your on

The three most frightening words in my world right now; No Prescriptions Remaining

Despite all the wonderful news and trying to get on the track to improve my life, I have stumbled back into this place that scares the living shit out of me.
Depression.

If you don’t have the chicken pox you don’t know how bad the itch is or how it always seems to happen right before a really important sleep over.
Depression is like that. If you don’t have it, you don’t understand how it can just creep in when you least expect it.

I hadn’t planned on hosting an all day sleep fest that would rob me of a whole day of being excited for my kids field trips. Honestly, it was so bad I had to double the dose of medication and sleep my way through them coming home and giving me details. I woke up as they were getting ready for bed. This of course makes it worse because I feel like the worst mother in the world.

Something triggers it. Something small triggered it this time and to save you all from the boring details of my everyday life, I will just say…it was bullshit. Bullshit that I have lived through before and promised myself that I wouldn’t put myself through again.

The first thing that I do when the depression hits is internalize everything. I crawl inside myself and I try to find ways to make sure that this type of pain is never re-lived.
Trust me, I’ve made mistakes by doing this…but I have also changed some things for the better because of it.
During my divorce depression I empowered myself by stepping away from the situation and knowing what behaviors were mine and which ones belonged to other people. Being told that ‘that isn’t yours’ by my therapist was the best thing that I have ever heard. I stopped taking blame for things that I couldn’t control.
If Dan chose to drink and listen to Journey at volume 8 until wee hours of the morning, it wasn’t my fault. I could sit and listen to it and blame myself, “If I had not did what I did, then this wouldn’t be happening.”
She said to me, “People get divorced everyday and each handle it in a different way. You didn’t make him pick up a beer and listen to sappy music…he did.”
I walked away from that situation and I made the choice not to except it as my own. The key to that was, ‘I walked away’. After I walked away from it, it didn’t happen anymore…and if it did, I wasn’t there to have to listen to it. I mean, how much Journey can one listen to without wanting to throw a speaker at their head?

When something in my life happens I try to figure out what to do with it.
I ask questions in my head;
1. Is this my fault?
2. Do I own this?
4. Are my feelings about this irrational?
5. What needs to be done to make sure that this doesn’t happen again?
6. Now that you know what you need to do, what steps do you take to get there?
7. How many people are involved in this?
8. Is what you’re planning to do, to save yourself from getting hurt, selfish?
9. Now what steps are first?
10. Now you go cold. If you want to not get hurt again, distance yourself and go cold.

I am SO unbelievably numb right now that I don’t feel a damn thing.

I feel like I did when I was a little girl and I had chicken pox. I have scratched and scratched so much that I am bleeding.

My mother promised me that I would live through it and I wouldn’t ever have to have them again. I would never have to feel that pain again.

I wish depression was like that. I wish I could just put socks over my hands and have my mother sit here and tell me that no one or nothing will ever hurt me again.