Conversations while solo decorating.

I debated if I should put up a tree this year.  The cost of one was just stupid, my kids aren’t making it for Christmas and it just seemed like a waste of money.
My friend who doesn’t put up their tree anymore gave me theirs, The box would now sit in my living room until I was feeling better.  Not that I was feeling any better yesterday, but because I kept having to walk past the box I decided that I would at least pull it out and see if the lights worked.
“If the lights don’t work, I won’t put it up.”  Lights worked.
“I’ll just put it together and do all the fluffing when I feel better.” Finish fluffing.
“I don’t have but a small box of ornaments.”  Going into office and pulling out the piles of crafting shit I have.

I used stuff I had gotten at the thrift store and the old crafting stuff I knew would take me 500 years to actually go through.
During the whole process…. THE WHOLE process….. I kept asking myself why I was even putting up the tree. It felt so pathetic to be putting up a tree that only I would be able to enjoy.  therein lies the message I needed to decode.
As the tree got closer to being finished and I looked at what was left to add and what could be left off to make room for a new type of tree I had not created before.
It didn’t matter that this wasn’t the tree I thought I would create. It didn’t matter that I was alone putting it together and making it beautiful, I had been doing just that for the last 6 months.  For 6 months I have been creating MY life. Not my life with someone else’s influence, not my life, but with hope to share it with someone else so I should make it neutral so we could both enjoy it. No, I have been creating MY life for no one to enjoy but me.   This tree is symbolic of the last 6 months.  Not what I thought I would be creating, but perfect for me.

Here is the first tree that I have ever created in my 51 years of life that has no color bulbs.  Just clean, white lights.
Here is the tree that has no other colors but white and red.  My younger self would be rolling her eyes at the simplicity of it.
Here is the tree that I created so when I am laying on my couch reading I can glance over and hopefully find some joy this season.  May this tree be a reminder that going at this by myself is the growth that I need to thrive and want to keep moving forward.