I called mom after American Idol last night. Kathy and her best friend from high school was there.
Mom isn’t your typical mom, she doesn’t pull out the photo album and show pictures…no, she pulls out her labeled folders on her computer and does a slide show for you.
“AWWWWWWWWWWw, look at that one! That’s a great picture!” Kathy’s friend would say.
“You know, I can fix it where she’s standing next to Mel Gibson.” Mom informs her.
“Oooohhhh.” She is amazed.
As I am on the phone talking to Kathy’s friend from High School about how cute I was when I was little…I hear this faint, ‘oh I should blog this picture.’
Now you all know how much I love my sister, but right now I am putting to words how much love that woman has for me. She said, “OH GOD NO MOTHER. KRISTINE WILL KILL YOU.”
I couldn’t hear EXACTLY what was going on because, and this is just a guess, there was some drinking going on with Kathy’s friend and she was a chitter-chattering, but I did hear: “blog this” and “NO MOTHER”
FRANTICLY I am trying to talk over Kathy’s friend, “WHAT? WHAT?? WHAT PICTURE KATHY??!!” chatter-chatter-chatter…”KATHY??? TALK TO ME GOOSE! WHAT PICTURE!!?”
Kathy’s friend is a non-blogger. She could be a non-computer person for all I know, but she was talking and there was no stopping her because she was on a roll. How do you tell someone who doesn’t blog to “SHUT UP SO I CAN HEAR WHAT PICTURE THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT!”? you can’t. You be polite and silently wet yourself on the chairs in the front yard while you wait for your fate to be determined.
“Oooh I could put some flowers around her neck.”
“Mom, no…Seriously.” she says and I hear Kathy in the background yell over her friend chatter, “THE ONE IN YOUR BATHING SUIT.”
I begin to rolodex every picture my mother has of me in my head. OH FUCKING NO! not the one in the backyard!
Then I hear Kathy say, “THE ONE IN THE BACKYARD.”
I love my mother. You all know I love that woman. In my head last night I beat the living shit out of her.
I’m surprised my neighbors didn’t come over and check on me last night when I yelled into the white phone, “IF YOU POST THAT PICTURE MOTHER I SWEAR I WILL RIP THAT BLOG OUT FROM UNDER YOU SO FAST YOUR HEAD WILL SPIN! YOU WILL NO LONGER BE THE FONZ!”
She laughed. This wasn’t the ‘i know something you don’t know’ laugh…it was the ‘oh yeah, TRY IT’ laugh.
I ran into the house, “SHAUN, GO TO MY MOM’S BLOG! NOW!”
The tingling in my hands finally went away when I saw she just posted a lame picture of me when I was 11.
Just to spiteful she emailed me the picture she was GOING to post.
If you all suddenly go to The Fonz’s blog and it’s not up…you all know why.
She’s got an evil streak a mile wide.