I have been kicking around the idea of deactivating my Facebook for quite some time. I almost did it a year ago and I probably should have then.
I need a break from everything and everyone. Things have been feeling a bit overwhelming lately and it’s time for me to find my center.
I had to call my ex on Friday to get some information from him so I could fill out a passport application that ironically I won’t be needing any more. Could have told me THAT before I had to bite the bullet and make that call. It was so weird to hear his voice on his voicemail. It’s been a lifetime, or at least it feels like it. He called me back and I asked how he was doing and how the family was. Neither one of us could remember our wedding date. We were two people that shouldn’t have ever gotten married. The thing is, I KNEW IT before I did it too. Idiot. Anyway, I swear it sounded like I was interrupting his suicide. I guess talking to me has that effect on exes. I actually do hope he is happy. What happened, happened. Water under the bridge.
Things with me have been boiling under the surface. Anyone that really knows me saw this coming a long way off. Sad thing, most people don’t know me. It was time for me to delete some phone numbers, delete facebook and head out to the dropzone. It’s weird, right before a huge shift in my life I go there. Today was no different. My life shifted and I came home to emptiness. In typical Kristine fashion I rearranged the holes and filled them up with other things. I think that’s going to be a metaphor for my life. In a month or two I’ll find my footing and begin my phoenix like transformation into a new life that I am uncomfortable with and that scares the living shit out of me, but makes me stronger in the long run.
I had this odd conversation with Dan on the way to the DZ. We were talking about stupid shit like the cosmos and religion. After we are gone, we are actually just poof. gone. We are so tiny in this big galaxy of a million galaxies we can’t even see or fathom. Then I was talking to Victoria and we were talking about death. We both are in agreement that hopefully we don’t make it past 60. Not going to lie, sounds good to me. I’d only have 17 more years of this dumb ass bullshit. Yes, I’d like to see my grandkids, but I honestly think that the stories my kids could tell them would surpass anything I could actually achieve. Dan said he wanted to live forever. I am ready whenever God, the cosmos, a semi truck want to take me. No, i’m not suicidal, I am just seeing a side to old age that I am not too thrilled about and if it’s something I will put my kids through, 60 is a good jumping off pad.
With that being said, I won’t ever see anything outside of the United States so I better enjoy the places I can see around here. Find new places to find my center.
I deactivated Facebook. I guess it’s an act of congress to actually DELETE Facebook. It will reactivate in 28 days automatically if I want it to or not. So odd.
So now I am on this weird version of my Spotify because once I deactivated FB, I have to make new sign in and none of my playlists are on there. Probably good, I would have been tempted to listen to “This” soundtrack and get all sad and shit. Instead I am listening to classical music now. Don’t get me started on Candy crush. 28 days without it. I think I will live, but I can’t play it because it won’t auto advance to my spot if I am not logged in. 28 days of staying unplugged and focusing on me, my writing, my photos. Maybe I will do it.
My friend, Lisa said today it was time to take flight and I said I wasn’t ready, but soon. She wants me to find a balance in my life and I do too. I guess sometimes you don’t get to decide to take flight, sometimes you’re pushed into having to fly and today I was pushed. Time to fly I guess.