I’ve been trying to get back into writing and expressing. I bought three different books to spark questions to get me writing again and it’s been more of a pain in the ass than helpful. I’m keeping up with them, but when it asks the hard questions I find myself fearful of actually writing it down.
I’m going to take this meditation yoga class tonight with my new friend. She’s one of those people that actually make me think about the way I talk to myself and the things that I say. The other day she very dryly said, “You make excuses for people.” It stopped me in my tracks and I was like…yes, yes, yes I do. I had to sit with that statement for a few days. Because her expressing an observation about her new friend, it spurred a change in me. I want to be more authentic, but it’s nearly impossible when I am living with all these demons.
On Pintrest I saw this quote with a desolate looking picture that said, “She was drowning and no one saw her struggle or scream.” I fee like that. Sometimes I stop what I am doing and I think…”How do people not see how much I am fighting to keep going every single day?”
Today I am hoping to find a way to deal with the demons and hopefully find some peace in my life.
I just had a friend post a quote from a book she wrote, “Make your mess your message.” I have always felt like the human crash test dummy in hopes of helping others not hit the same walls, but I guess some times people just need to hit their own walls, how they come out on the other side is hopefully something they have learned from watching me continually hitting the same walls. There are a few people in my life that don’t handle life’s bombs so well. It’s painful to watch them just sit there and cry, “Oh poor me, I am not loved…no one loves me…I give so much and no one loves me back!” If you’re not being treated the way you want to be treated, you did a piss poor job letting people know how you deserve to be loved and you’re a dumb ass for allowing those people in your life for as long as you have.
You pick up the pieces of what you were left with and you move the fuck along. You don’t look back because it doesn’t do any good to try to figure out what went wrong. It just went wrong. You wanted to give someone the whole world and be treated with respect and not like your thoughts and feelings didn’t matter.
Anyway, I am projecting again. Time to get ready for work.