Random and Odd

Hopeful.

I had a rough last year and this year tried to wear some of 2009’s clothes, but despite that…I have hope.
For almost a year I have despised the word “Hope”. Because not only did I allow someone to take it way, it made me question EVERY single thing and EVERY single person I met.  I admit,  there is nothing more surreal than feeling hopeless while surrounded by family and friends that would take a bullet for you.

I have been having dreams again. In the last month I had one of the gut wrenching, sobbing dreams.  I have a fantastic friend who I share everything with…but at that early morning I had to call someone that would understand where I had been. I called Tabitha at this ungodly morning hour and poured my heart out and explained the dream I had. I’m not really sure how much she heard between the sobbing and sniffling.
We talked like two soldiers that had been on the same tour.  She reminded me that she got through it and I would too.
She also said something funny, “I wasn’t always this bitch. People made me this way.”  I finally get it.  Yes, she is crazy, dramatic and holy hell if you’re on her bad side, you will think she has lost her mind with her logic that makes no sense, but at least I understand her because *I* know her now.  Yes, crazy, bitchy, dramatic are the words I will describe her…but I would also like to add, when she loves, she loves red hot and fiercely with everything in her and with loyalty that I am envious of.

I had another dream. This one wasn’t one like the one I had before, but more of a ‘Hey, remember this dream and figure it out when you have time’
It had been nagging, naggging naggging at me to pick apart and the other night it finally hit me what most of it meant.  It means that there is a balance I need find. That in order to get across I need to learn how to walk across on top and stop trying to walk through at the bottom.
There is also that I need to listen to what is being said, let everything just go and with balance and grace I can get through it. I can get through anything.  Because of that dream and all the heart wrenching ones before it…I am brought back to the one word that my friend, Ken would say all the time when things got bad and there was nothing I could do to fix it.

Wash.    It’s a wash.

I can’t wait to start this new part of my life. I realize there will be disappointments and I got roll with those changes.

I am blessed beyond words. I have the most amazing people who love me. I was able to verbally say I was sorry for not listening to a friend and letting her know that my biggest regret was not listening to her.  I have the most amazing men in my life right now. Each one so strong and loving.  I have the strongest women as role models. Women that have been through a lot, been loved and hated.  My children, so brave and strong and beautiful and everything a mother could ever want in children.  They make me laugh every single day and I guess there is something to be said about what happened and having to talk to my daughter about details of my life I never wanted her to know, we are honest with each other now and I know I can trust her.

And lastly, I get to play where others only gaze in wonder.

My world is good place, it may look like shit, but DAMN, my world is pretty fucking awesome right now.

I'm a lot of things, but mostly I'm just Random and Odd.

6 Comments

  • T abitha

    Well there My lady,
    Yes I can be crazy and be a bitch while standing up for myself, my children and what I deem as holy…LOL its something I am okay with. I refuse to allow people to walk over me and you and I are still working daily to make sure that it doesnt happen again and if it should… to see it NOW rather than later. Yes people are assholes! Most in fact. Shorty said it best, ‘theres a difference between being an asshole and being disrespectful!’ I agree 1000% And to those that hurt you MYSELF included I publicly say I am sorry. (When I am wrong I admit it) I am sorry that the things which brought friendship back are issues that rock you to your core but YES!!!YOU CAN MAKE IT THROUGH! Anyone reading this should understand that losing Hope is 10,000% harder then losing the marriage,father,home,cars, the THINGS…And it shouldnt happen. It should never happen past the age of 30! Till then youre still in la-la land thinking you know it all! That you’re better, different and special. Dont come crying over here later on to the First Wives and Second Wives Club…our plate is full. No more memberships folks LOL..But through it Love, Strength, Dignity, Honesty, Patience, Trust and even Hope will prevail! Love you Kris, no matter what happens next just Let Go and Let God, and screw everyone else that cant take a joke! “They arent IN your life, simply passing through and lucky to be doing that!” (says my mama) xoxoxox Happy Humpday! Go get ’em

  • Kristine

    Awww. Yes, the Ex-Wives club has open memberships, but you better read the fine print to find out what qualifies you to get in. Having warning and seeing what happens to the ex-wives and the kids, the house, the cars, the THINGS, the hope, the respect the FAMILY, and still deciding to step in and play new mommy and wifey and photographer..in words that people can understand, TRYING TO BE US….that excludes you from ever getting a membership. You may not want it now…but in a few years when you wake up in tears and you are rocking those babies back to sleep because trhey don’t understand why he left you…you’ll wish you could talk to someone that can understand.
    *shrug*
    Hey Tabitha, do I get my “I’m a fucking psycho bitch” button for my shirt now? because we both know that we are ‘just crazy’ and it’s all our fault. You’re nuts and i’m lazy…OHHH, we need to get plaques for our desk!

  • T abitha

    LOL! Considering I am not sure where my desk will be uhmmm I will wait to order mine. Besides do I realllllllllly need to advertise? I think its a given! And as we speak Im listening to AC/DC ‘Have a drink on me!” LMAO! How fitting! I think the next tee shirt I rock will say “Hello, my name is KARMA and Im here to kick your ASS.”

  • Kristine

    My shirt will say, “If you’re a douchebag, just turn around and walk the fuck away because my friend, Karma is on her way over.”
    and then we can get matching County Orange Jumpsuits.

  • T abitha

    LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!OMG! That is so funny! Thank you Needed the laugh today. See as a team we are just fine :-)