I had a rough last year and this year tried to wear some of 2009’s clothes, but despite that…I have hope.
For almost a year I have despised the word “Hope”. Because not only did I allow someone to take it way, it made me question EVERY single thing and EVERY single person I met. I admit, there is nothing more surreal than feeling hopeless while surrounded by family and friends that would take a bullet for you.
I have been having dreams again. In the last month I had one of the gut wrenching, sobbing dreams. I have a fantastic friend who I share everything with…but at that early morning I had to call someone that would understand where I had been. I called Tabitha at this ungodly morning hour and poured my heart out and explained the dream I had. I’m not really sure how much she heard between the sobbing and sniffling.
We talked like two soldiers that had been on the same tour. She reminded me that she got through it and I would too.
She also said something funny, “I wasn’t always this bitch. People made me this way.” I finally get it. Yes, she is crazy, dramatic and holy hell if you’re on her bad side, you will think she has lost her mind with her logic that makes no sense, but at least I understand her because *I* know her now. Yes, crazy, bitchy, dramatic are the words I will describe her…but I would also like to add, when she loves, she loves red hot and fiercely with everything in her and with loyalty that I am envious of.
I had another dream. This one wasn’t one like the one I had before, but more of a ‘Hey, remember this dream and figure it out when you have time’
It had been nagging, naggging naggging at me to pick apart and the other night it finally hit me what most of it meant. It means that there is a balance I need find. That in order to get across I need to learn how to walk across on top and stop trying to walk through at the bottom.
There is also that I need to listen to what is being said, let everything just go and with balance and grace I can get through it. I can get through anything. Because of that dream and all the heart wrenching ones before it…I am brought back to the one word that my friend, Ken would say all the time when things got bad and there was nothing I could do to fix it.
Wash. It’s a wash.
I can’t wait to start this new part of my life. I realize there will be disappointments and I got roll with those changes.
I am blessed beyond words. I have the most amazing people who love me. I was able to verbally say I was sorry for not listening to a friend and letting her know that my biggest regret was not listening to her. I have the most amazing men in my life right now. Each one so strong and loving. I have the strongest women as role models. Women that have been through a lot, been loved and hated. My children, so brave and strong and beautiful and everything a mother could ever want in children. They make me laugh every single day and I guess there is something to be said about what happened and having to talk to my daughter about details of my life I never wanted her to know, we are honest with each other now and I know I can trust her.
And lastly, I get to play where others only gaze in wonder.
My world is good place, it may look like shit, but DAMN, my world is pretty fucking awesome right now.