The weather has been really warm lately, but yesterday it looked like it might rain.
In my backyard I had a box of memory stuff that I had pulled out to see if I could find something the girls had made. Me being me, forgot it out there and the sun damaged it and the bottom cracked. In a new box I gathered up all the stuff and began sorting through it.
I’ve known for awhile that I have several boxes in my garage that contained both memories from Shaun’s life before me and some of my own. There was a point in boxing it all up that I never believed there would be a day when I would need to separate the two.
The hot water heater exploded water all over my garage and all the boxes were covered. I decided that while the guys were fixing the water heater that I would use that time to sort through all the boxes and separate them for pick up.
In 4 boxes I found pictures of our time as a family, our wedding and letters to each other. What does one do with all those things? I figured since I had to go through them, that it was up to him to decide what he wanted to do with them. I ripped up the letters because the words somehow seemed so hollow and the promises made in them were not worth the paper they were written on.
When I was finished and I put the boxes back up on the shelf, I was sad…but relieved. The ghosts of our lives together were nearly gone now. It’s been months since he’s been there, but somehow his socks still end up in my dryer and then soon end up in the garbage. There is nothing left that I need to go through.
Today at the office we have construction workers putting in new cubicles. I have watched them as they took apart the desk that was there, remove the stuff on the walls, paint over the holes and put a new layer of paint. It feels like what I am going through. Someone is deconstructing my life and turning it into something new so new people can move into it.
This time though…no one will make it their own. This is my life.