Random and Odd

i need some peace…

In a conversation with a online friend I had informed her that even though I had gone off the medication that if I ever felt that I needed help, I would get it. Even if meant that I had to go back on the medication.

Being able to commit to saying, “I am going back on medication.” isn’t something I am ready for.  A couple of weeks ago my daughter in law said something horrible things about me and my ‘drug problem’.
I was upset.
It took me a long time to even tell someone I had a problem. After that, it took a long time to finally get help for it.
When I did reach for help I was told that I was one of the top ten worst cases my therapist had treated.  The medication that had to be ‘worked through’; Which meant I had months of trying this type of medication to see it worked and when it didn’t, you up the dosage and start over again.
All of this just to feel ‘okay’.  Through all of this, I was honest with everyone. I told my friends and family, ‘this is my deal. i’m not alone’ … Taking the risk of looking crazy.

Being honest with people comes with risks.  You’re opening yourself up to people talking shit about you.  Like I said before, I understand it, I just didn’t expect it from family.
I’m not exactly certain if I was told that she had the ‘same problem’ I had just to make me feel better or because she wanted to be able to connect with me…either way, it’s now clear, after the words that she said about me that she has never suffered with what I have.   With all honesty I say this, I am very happy she doesn’t have what I have because I wouldn’t wish this on ANYONE.

With all of the words and the emotions I went through after hearing them, it’s hard to say, “I need to get back on the medication.”
I enjoy being a part of the no pill community.

Weighing the feelings I have been battling with and the other things is what I am going through right now.  The pro’s and con’s of everything.  It’s not just the hurtful words that is holding me back from running to the doctor with my hair on fire, it’s a lot of things.
I can’t tell you how many times I have thrown my arms up in the air and said, “Fuck it.” this week alone. I am so damn tired of everything.  It’s the following thoughts that run through my head that make me think it’s time to either talk to someone or get back on medication.

Now you know.

*hair falling out*