Random and Odd

i need some peace…

In a conversation with a online friend I had informed her that even though I had gone off the medication that if I ever felt that I needed help, I would get it. Even if meant that I had to go back on the medication.

Being able to commit to saying, “I am going back on medication.” isn’t something I am ready for.  A couple of weeks ago my daughter in law said something horrible things about me and my ‘drug problem’.
I was upset.
It took me a long time to even tell someone I had a problem. After that, it took a long time to finally get help for it.
When I did reach for help I was told that I was one of the top ten worst cases my therapist had treated.  The medication that had to be ‘worked through’; Which meant I had months of trying this type of medication to see it worked and when it didn’t, you up the dosage and start over again.
All of this just to feel ‘okay’.  Through all of this, I was honest with everyone. I told my friends and family, ‘this is my deal. i’m not alone’ … Taking the risk of looking crazy.

Being honest with people comes with risks.  You’re opening yourself up to people talking shit about you.  Like I said before, I understand it, I just didn’t expect it from family.
I’m not exactly certain if I was told that she had the ‘same problem’ I had just to make me feel better or because she wanted to be able to connect with me…either way, it’s now clear, after the words that she said about me that she has never suffered with what I have.   With all honesty I say this, I am very happy she doesn’t have what I have because I wouldn’t wish this on ANYONE.

With all of the words and the emotions I went through after hearing them, it’s hard to say, “I need to get back on the medication.”
I enjoy being a part of the no pill community.

Weighing the feelings I have been battling with and the other things is what I am going through right now.  The pro’s and con’s of everything.  It’s not just the hurtful words that is holding me back from running to the doctor with my hair on fire, it’s a lot of things.
I can’t tell you how many times I have thrown my arms up in the air and said, “Fuck it.” this week alone. I am so damn tired of everything.  It’s the following thoughts that run through my head that make me think it’s time to either talk to someone or get back on medication.

Now you know.

*hair falling out*

I'm a lot of things, but mostly I'm just Random and Odd.

20 Comments

  • san

    Don’t let anyone bring you down. I can imagine how much it hurts, but there are a whole lot more supporters out here than people who think mean things about you.

  • Candy

    If you need the meds, go get them. No one knows how you feel or what you are going through. I’ve (at least not yet – LOL) had to deal with any of that, but ya know what – you gotta do what you gotta do and to hell with people that think they are holier than thou. Fuck it? Fuck them.

  • Alissa

    awww, ((hugs)) for you. You do what you have to do to make you better, meds included. One person’s opinion does not mean the rest of the world feels that way–whether she’s family or not. Some people are just really insensitive.

    Hang in there.

  • WaywardGoddess

    There have been times when I thought I might need medication. Then I talked myself out of it because I didn’t want to be the person who needed drugs to make her feel normal. And what if I always needed them. What if it wasn’t a temporary thing and I was a completely screwed up person who needed to be on a chemical substance to feel like all the people around her. I just didn’t want to find out.
    Then, I finally couldn’t take it anymore and I went to the Dr. I sat in her office and cried my eyes out. I told her everything I was feeling.
    Her response
    “I don’t think there is anything wrong with you. I think you are just a typical woman with typical stresses”

    Wait…so I’m normal? Then why don’t I feel normal?

    That was the last time I was at the Dr.

  • Carmilla

    You only need to do what is right for you and your needs. You are the only one who will know if you need the pills to make you feel normal (whatever that is) or not. Don’t let others judgement of you affect the way you see yourself. It’s just not worth it. I’ve been on the pills before and look back and know that at that time it was the right decision.

  • Tina

    IF she has anything negative to say about you finding piece within yourself, no matter how it is done then she has her own issues. You have to do what is best for you and your family and forget what ignorant people say. As one of hundreds that love and respect you, we are on your side, do not let the words of someone who dose not understand effect your life. I have this friend that used to tell me that I was a beautiful person and that I did not need negative influences in my life, she should take her own words and put them to good use. *Big Hug*

  • Mary

    oh my dear friend…..how i empathize..I have been on a seriously high dosage of medication for anxiety for …well…since the divorce. I have side effects but when I weigh it out…….I HAVE to stay on them. When my kids are older and out of the house I will change meds but until then…….I MUST STAY FOCUSED AND SEMI-HAPPY. Just me……….but you and I are a tiny bit alike.

  • Shelly

    SO MANY people are on meds. Do what you need to do for yourself & don’t worry about what other fuckers say about you.

    I’ve been on them before & would do it again if I needed them. Take care of yourself & do what is best for you.

  • Army of Mom

    Do what you need to do to make yourself well. My mom has been sane since being on her meds for the past 10 years or so. When she wasn’t on them, I hated being around her and avoided her because of the craziness. Anyone who criticizes you for taking care of yourself isn’t worth your concern. Do what YOU need to do to be well. Trust me.

  • BigHev

    i *heart* you kristine. you are more brave than i will ever be. i’m ashamed of all of the things i take for granted. reading your words makes my heart ache for what you must go through every single day. we’re all fortunate that you open your life to us so honestly. you are a hero.

  • LisaS

    People are so thoughtless sometimes. Your DiL, like my MiL, obviously doesn’t have clue what she’s talking about. Biochemistry is what it is and it mostly sucks. I hate taking my pills every morning, but it’s what it takes to live. It’s really no different than high blood pressure meds, if you think about it.

    Find the help, whether it be in a caplet or a human or both. There’s no reason to feel the way you do when there’s an option, and if you’re thinking you need to be on the meds, you needed to be two weeks ago. Go.

  • No Dramas

    Im a big firm believer in therapy, without it my husband and I wouldnt be together today and I dont even want to think of that.
    But you know what Kristine, only you can know what is good for you. If you need therapy and it works and you dont need meds “woo hoo” good for you.
    But if you do need the meds to help you then “woo hoo” good for you. Coz in this situation it IS ALL ABOUT YOU!!!
    Those that do love you 100 million percent, are going to support you and still love you. The others…pfft who cares!!

    Love and Light
    xoxo

  • mandy

    I am so sorry you are going through something like this. I have been on and off and it is time to go back on maybe for me. I offer a great big HUG and lots of understanding.

  • splendid

    I have been on and off meds. i however have never found the right mix for me but when i find myself unable to cope with everyday life, i know it is time to make some changes. going back on meds is the first thought for me, but not always the first action. if you have found something that works for you Kristine, do it and never look back. don’t waste today.
    xoxoxox

  • traci

    You know, I’ve been thinking about this post most of the night. Seriously. I hope you do what is the best for you. I hope that what your daughter-in-law said is not what you believe. I hope you ‘get’ that you have a positive effect on so many who care about you and don’t even know you in the real world. I hope you know that I care; that I’m sorry you heard those words; that I believe in you; that you can do whatever it is you need to do; that it is most important that you take care of you in the best way you know how to do that; that sometimes the people who are supposed to care the most are the least helpful; that you are ok…just the way you are. Peace honey. Peace.

  • Goose

    I am proud of you regardless of what decision you make..do it for you…for your true family..and do it because you know thats what needs to happen no one elses opinon matters in this situation love you J