Dashababy,  Shaun,  The Fonz,  Wedding

Thanks for all the emails and kind comments from this morning’s anxiety post. I lasted about two more hours and then I broke down in hysterical tears that woke Shaun up enough where he said he wasn’t going to hear anymore of the ‘i’m fine’. He got up and had to get me water because I was crying and unable to breath all together.

It was around 5 am that the sobbing finally slowed down and I had heard, “nothing bad is going to happen.” about 67 times and the double dose of Xanax kicked in.
I tried to explain to him, “It’s like someone very close to me just tragicly died.” is the only way to explain the pain I was in.

The perfect seque:

I had my bridal shower on Saturday. It went well. I’m the proud owner a waffle iron and many large towels. My future mother-in-law and my own mother looked like they had lots of fun picking out new stuff for me. I am very lucky to have the friends and family that I do. I’m grateful for all of them.
I’m pretty sure i’ve mentioned it before that I’m not too good with crowds or parties that would put me right smack in the middle of attention. Between my friends and family when we are together we share the spotlight and there is no pressure to entertain. When the thought of a bridal shower came up I thought, ‘mmmm, cake’ and hadn’t really thought the whole thing through.
“You have to register SOMEWHERE Kristine!” My friend, ‘Cita and my beautiful friend, Lisa insisted. They are smarter than I am when it comes to stuff like this so they drug me to Bed, Bath and Beyond and handed me a gun. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the one I could shoot myself in the head with. I had to be bribed with a Latte if I was a good girl and could decide on some stuff.
I kept asking, “Is this good? Can I ask for this?”
They kept looking at me as if I were nuts, “I don’t think people will think you’re too weird for asking for towels.”

The day before the shower the panic attacks started. There was some things that had popped up that I tried to just ignore and pretend like they weren’t that big of a deal, but as it got closer I realized I was going to have to deal with some of it.
By Saturday morning I was begging Shaun to find a way out of it because I was I was going to die if I had to go to my own shower and be the center of all that attention.
My mom said I only had to go for an hour. She lies, but it was good enough to get me in the car.
Shaun had gone over earlier in the day to help ‘Cita decorate and showed up before we left. “You’ll do fine. We’ll get you drunk when you get home okay?”

My friend, ‘Cita was all stressed out and in order to try to calm her nerves, I tried to pull it together long enough to help her stress level to come down.
Why do bridal or baby showers have to be so stressful for everyone involved?

I heard things like, “What do your flowers look like?” “What kind of cake are you having?” “Who’s doing the food?”
I just shrugged, because even though the wedding is July 8th…I haven’t gotten those things figured out. Shut up, I know…I get married in 32 days and these things should have been taken care of.
Someone said to me, “Just get what you need, one thing at a time.” and that is what I have been doing.
It came down to flowers or Tyler’s yearbook.
Tyler got his yearbook.
The flowers will have to come later.

After it was over I got to spend some time with my mom and sister. Yes, true to Shaun’s promise he got me drunk.
I got to dance with my mom and sister, laugh and giggle.

They have all the pictures because I didn’t even pick up the camera ALL weekend. You’re going to have to beg my sister for the picture of me looking like a goober all souped up on Captain Morgan.
If you beg in her comment section, she’s likely to post the picture of Shaun’s big ol’ noggin too.

I'm a lot of things, but mostly I'm just Random and Odd.


  • randomandodd

    no, no therapist. I was many, many years ago and when she thought all my problems stemmed from my parents drinking when I was younger, I decided that I needed to survive my divorce and blaming my parents wasn’t going to do that.

    I didn’t have a picture perfect childhood. Despite the pictures of a happy house, i’m sure my kids will say, “Well maybe if my mother didn’t complain about us always losing her eyeliner and brushes we wouldn’t be so fucked up in the head right now!” Nothing is perfect, but now I can look back at my life as a kid and say, “At least they didn’t leave me in the car on a 110 degree day.” and my kids will look back and say, “At least she didn’t REALLY beat us on Sundays.”

    In a month, I will get a new doctor and get on some preventive medicine.
    Hopefully a side effect will be better spelling!!

  • janasayqua

    the fact that you tried to calm your friends nerves down while you were stressing is a testament to how great a person you are.

    I hope you are able to find a happy place with happy meds. Hugs and more hugs as always!! :)

  • MrsDoF

    You are doing fine about being a bride and the center of attention. There was awhile when I would get anxious being in the spotlight, but it has slacked off with menopause and the perspective of age.
    With friends and family like yours around, everything’s gonna turn out just fine.

    This last Saturday, I was a guest at a wedding. On Sunday afternoon, a guest at a high school graduation party. Sunday evening, sitting as a member of the audience during a report from a team who went to Alabama to help with recovery efforts from 3 hurricanes last year.
    My camera was dutifully carried to each of these places, but was unable to be used.
    Why? you might asked? because the battery was forgotten in the charger back at the house.
    Also with age comes some unexplainable form of memory loss.

  • Stephlys

    I think you should let us have a virtual shower. Either by linking to an online wish list, paypal donation link, or even more virtually in your comments section. Perhaps one of your bloggy friends can host. Since I don’t know them (or you actually) I will just put the idea out there in your comments and see what folks think. So, what do you think? :)

  • OddMix

    Kristine, You rock! Fighting through that kind of anxious depression for the sake of your friends and family takes amazing strength of will as well as strength of character.

    IMNSHO (my new acronym for “In My Not-So-Humble Opinion”) you should start with a Psychyatrist (the MD version) instead of a therapist. They can get you started on the right meds and then hook you up with a therapist who won’t simply blame all your problems on your parrents.

    Here is something good to focus on: You love Shaun for lots of good reasons. Among them are probably his wisdom, good judgement, and common sense. And Shaun asked YOU to mary HIM. When you can’t trust your oun judgement about yourself, why not trust in his?

    And with regard to all those details/costs you are stressing about – I bet if you had a boquet of wild daisies, a Carvel icecream cake, and a Subway giant sub in your backyard for the reception, Shaun would be just as happy. When he sees you come down the aisle everything else will just blur into haze anyway.

  • Lazy Lightning

    I was originally planning to buy the reception food at the grocery story deli (it’s a fancy grocery store though), and the flowers from a florist the day-of. If my future MIL and mom hadn’t stepped in, that’s how I’d do it. No biggie!

    I originally had trouble registering for stuff, until a friend told me “you dont have to look for stuff you don’t have, if you have a lot, just look for stuff that UPGRADES what you do have”. So we did. And we registered at Amazon.com, because we’re cool like that.

    Email me if you want to see my registry for ideas, i’ll send you the link.

  • Hemlock

    I can’t even begin to understand the pain you go through when you have your panic/anxiety attacks. Just know that I sympathize.

    The more I read about Shaun, the more I know that he is the right person to help you through your tough times… and get you drunk during the not so tough times!!

    We’re playing the registry game too. IT’s hard.

  • Shaun

    Probably better if we stay focused on the part where I have wisdom, good judgement, and common sense. ;)

  • Montana Anna

    In the months leading up to my wedding, I had a panic attack almost daily. It’s one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do, plan that wedding. And then it’s over. The best advice I received, and I’ll pass on, is that if something doesn’t get done, or if you don’t want to do it, who the hell cares? I refused to feel bad because I had no decorations up at the church (where the ceremony lasted 20 minutes max). It is your wedding (well, Shaun’s too). Oh, and Xanax is good too!

  • The Kept Woman

    There’s absolutely nothing more beautiful in the world than a bunch of people going out and buying things on your wish-list.

    It will not last so milk it for all it’s worth now.

    Did I just say that?

  • stepblog

    Um, one question–why didn’t they let you get drunk AT the shower? Or at least a little tipsy BEFORE the shower? That would have helped.

    I hope you are feeling better. We got married last July 2–we had it at our house, it was beautiful, it was mellow,and I was really really anxious and freaked out leading up to it. We planned the least stressful wedding possible and I was still a bit of a wreck emotionally. I just accepted it (and the glasses of wine my friends kept offering me). Feel better.

  • Maria

    Yeah for laughing and giggling with your mom and sister.

    Oh, and three cheers for the captain.

  • melanie

    you crack me up about the shower thing because i am the same exact way. i swear i’ve backed out of more shit than you can imagine. half of my family is mad at me STILL, because i cancelled out on our big christmas dinner at the last minute. god, that’s just too much anxiety for me. and it’s MY FAMILY. see sweet girl, you ARE NOT alone;)