picture AND graphics by Shaun

I got a sweet, loving, from the heart email from someone saying in tones dripping with honey that if I make my children write, “I love Mommy more than Daddy.” I will ruin them forever.
This person, this sweet, loving writer of emails dripping with sweetness also said that I have a loud voice on the internet and when I say things like ‘bribing my children’ or calling their dad a dumb-ass, that people will listen and do the same. I should be more careful of the power that I have.

Did you hear that Random and Odders? I have power – I have the power to make you do what I do…or what I tell you to do.

You know what this means my minions? SEND COOKIES.

It’s not very often that I even comment on the emails I get, but this one had to be brought out into the light.
Only 4% of my readers know me outside of this forum. They have come to my house, played with my children, heard me talk on the phone to people, have watched me interact with the people I love. Only maybe 2% of the 4% have seen me cry, drove me to doctor appointments and bought me bras.

Today is the day to open up my email closet and show you what I have been hiding. I will do it nicely though…simmer down people.

1. I love my ex-husband. He is a dumb ass though. When I call him and he answers -I say in the sweetest tone EVER…”hey dumbass.” or “butthead” or “Dorkwad” or “penis wrinkle”. When he does something stupid, I call him on it. When I do something stupid he mumbles under his breath about it. My children know I love their dad, they also know I don’t hate him. They also know that he bugs me and pisses me off sometimes.

2. When I say, “I beat the children.” it’s just a joke, I don’t really beat the children. I bite them though. Just little nibbles of love.

3. For those of you that have emailed and said they think I am freebasing Calgon…you’re on to me. It’s a nasty habit and I really need to stop. For those of you that think I am addicted to Xanax…it takes me 5 months to get through 20 pills…I think I might be okay.
No, I am not on any anti-depressants because I’m not depressed…I have anxiety. I get depressed, but because of the cost of anti-depressants I just choose to drink heavily instead.

4. Yes, this is the real me. My name is Kristine, his name is Shaun. I’m not trying to hide anything…except the bodies of the dead ex-boyfriends I have buried in the backyard.

5. The Fonz is my mother. Dashababy is my sister. I’m pretty sure that Kathy is really my mom and it’s some creepy thing they kept from me all my life.

6. No, it’s not a gimmick- I really don’t like lawn gnomes. The children’s song, ‘this old man…he played one…he played nicknack on my thumb…with a nick-nack-paddy-wack- give a dog a bone…this onld man went rolling home.’ FREAKS ME THE FUCK OUT. That will be the sound I will hear over the phone during a heavy rain and I am left home alone for the weekend.

7. I don’t take all the pictures you see here or on my flickr site. Shaun takes some too. You’ll be able to tell our pictures apart. Mine are in focus and his angles are all weird. It’s really that simple.

8. Since we are on the subject of cameras and emails I get…The D70 is great…but really…people without D70’s take Wuh-Hayyyyy better pictures than people with them.
I have two examples of people I know that take better pictures without…Wave of Modulation and The Fat Housewife (Stiznizzay!). It’s not always the camera…it’s the eye of the person holding it. Here is an article about this.

9. You have asked and I will tell you because hopefully by being honest about this in a public forum that it will be the encouragement I need to fix it so I can fit into a wedding dress.
Size 14-16 jean size. 14 IF they stretch. Goal size (again) is 10-12.
I’m 5’9 (and a half) I slouch though, so I look shorter at times.

10. The email I get most often is asking about how many people read this site? I don’t know. I stopped counting after 5. ;)
If I get 20 comments, then that day I had 20 readers. That’s how I like to look at things, it keeps the balance.

My lurking readers are smart though, they don’t comment because they know I will eventually tell them to send me cookies.

*raising eyebrow* hey…why do my lurker readers never comment? COMMENT TODAY, DAMN IT.

I think I’ve answered and addressed all the lovely emails I get. Now if you’ll excuse me I am going to go wash down a few Xanax with some Captain Morgan, free base some Calgon and wait for my children to come home so I can make them sing the song I am going to write about how their love for me is stronger their love of their father. It’s going to be a big hit.