Life goes on…

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

Another weekend in the books.

I had a Celebration of Life BBQ I went to on Saturday.  My friend, Midori has terminal liver cancer and all of her hockey family got together to give her some love and spend some time with her.
I met Midori while I was scorekeeping a few years ago.  It was a job to just have a few extra dollars between the photo shoots and weddings I was busy doing.  I was at the rink all the time anyway because my boyfriend played hockey there on Sundays.   Midori was quiet, but she was fun to hang out with.  I use to play her dance music and watch her in the stands as she cheered on her husband.  She would dance and always had the greatest smile.  After my boyfriend and I broke up she kept in touch.  Always sending a text when I needed it the most.   She’s a believer and one day after she found out she had cancer I asked her how she was doing and she said, “I am grateful and give thanks to the Lord for cancer.”  I was stunned.  She explained that she is stronger because of it and her walk with the Lord is more clear now. She knows what is truly important in this life.
I am a better person because this amazing woman calls me ‘friend’.  The best thing about being her friend is that I wouldn’t have to explain that last sentence to any of her friends because I know they all feel the exact same way.   She has makes us better.

After the BBQ I was surrounded by my old friends, Kent and Jennifer.  We had pizza, laughed and talked about old times when we use to live in this townhouse in Redding.  I love the stories they remember. We ended the night going out to get frozen yogurt and listening to Shea tell us all about Pokemon Go.

I’m thinking about moving.  There is a place downtown that I am thinking about.  If it falls through, I still think I am ready to leave Rocklin.  I only stayed because of the girls getting through high school.  I wanted to be here for them and because of it I am struggling financially trying to stay in this overpriced apartment.  It’s time to get into a new place that doesn’t cost me so much and has a better commute to and from work.  If I live downtown I won’t fight the traffic going up to Fair Oaks and on the way home everyone is leaving downtown to go back home.  Either way it will need to be closer to where I work.  I am tired of the drive.  The girls are doing their own things now and it’s time to go.

That’s pretty much it.  The heartbreak is getting better. I’m not sad anymore. I am not angry anymore.  Confused as fuck, but I just have to shake my head when I think about it and remember that there was no logic to the things that were said.   The dreams are lessening.   The one I had the other night was about a house built on a cliff overlooking the ocean.  During low tide it was beautiful.  Everything you would ever wish for in a home.  I was walking for the door and a giant wave hit and I could feel it in my chest.  I turned around to look out of the front of the house that was all glass and another giant wave hit causing the whole house to move and go completely white.  It scared me.  I walked over to the glass and I put my hand on it as the next wave hit and I said, “I can’t live here.”  I knew that even though it was everything I ever wanted, there would be these violent waves that would have me scared the rest of the time.   That pretty much summed up my relationship with E.
In the last conversation I had with his mother she said, “You dodged a bullet. You don’t have to live with this craziness.”
As time passes, I see that is true.

band-aids don’t fix bullet holes.

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

 

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After I realized that I wasn’t in any position to move forward, I decided I couldn’t stay in that place.  I had been in that place before and it wasn’t a healthy place for me to be.  To those around me, I am doing fine and they don’t even ask how I am doing anymore (except my step daughter who knows that even though I am smiling and say i am fine–it’s a lie and she calls me on it).
I have a handful of friends that I have allowed to know the true details of what happened and how fucked up sad I am from it.   I have a few friends that don’t know details, don’t care what happened, but just wanna be there to make me laugh and move into the new place in my life.
I am grateful for both sets of friends.

Once a week I have dinner with friends. I have been doing this for a long time, but of course when I get into a relationship my friends fall aside and I throw myself away and I lose friends.  Thank God for the friends that love and know me…and forgive me for this act of blind love stupidity.
Last week I went to dinner downtown with my mBFF and we made a pact to not get into a relationship with anyone for a year.  We put money on it and set up some ground rules (which both of us will probably find loop holes in) as to not lose the bet.  We are both Aries and we love being in love…but we have both been burned before.
Now some people think that men and women can’t be friends without some sort of sexual underlying thing to it.  This is bullshit.  Complete bullshit.  We have been friends for over 16 years and nothing has ever happened between us.  We have both been single and drunk as fuck and in the same bed and nothing has ever happened because  both of us don’t see each other like that.  Maybe that’s a rare thing, I don’t know.
When I told him that my ex thought that there was something going on between us he said, “Did you tell him, EWWWWW?”   I had to laugh because I told him that is EXACTLY what I said!
Not that my friend is gross, or I am gross.  Not that my friend wouldn’t make a wonderful companion, but not with me…Ewww.  Anyone that is our mutual friends know that we are siblings that just have different parents.
So, our pact allows us to go on dates with people.  This was such an odd thing to say, because that thought alone is just terrifying still.  It’s going to be a good long time before I trust anyone enough to do that.  Until then my friends are stuck going to dinner with me once a week and my hiking/running friends dragging me out of the house.

There doesn’t feel like a time in the day that I am not impacted by what happened.  I’m ready to be mad that anyone would believe such horrible things about me.
There are moments when I think about all the things we did get to do in the short amount of time we were allowed to have together and the things we shared through letters and I am baffled why his mind would believe what it does.  There was nothing in all the years we’ve known each other that would even direct him on a path to thinking I would have ever, ever, ever….EVER done p**n.
I do too much thinking in the car and yesterday on the way home I was thinking about how much fun we had riding roller coasters.  I smiled and then got angry instantly.  It’s not fair!  Why couldn’t his mind think GOOD things about me?  I don’t know, I have to stop trying to figure out why things happened the way they did and just accept the fact that it is what it is and it’s over.   I will never know how his life turned out.  Since we were 14 years old I have always known where and how he was doing…and now I can’t.  I can’t even ask anymore because now it won’t be because I am his friend and I want to catch up.  It will be too painful to know that he’s not doing good, too painful to know he’s doing amazing (without me).

I’m just going to keep moving forward, putting band-aids on these bullet holes and maybe it will be alright.

quest.

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

It feels like I am at a stop sign to a busy street and instead of trying to find a spot to get in, i’m sitting there staring off into space with no interest to move forward.

There is a girl power- fight song on the radio and I know I should be able to let all this go, but it’s wrapped around me like a blanket.  I have no interest in fighting this sadness.

The lyrics of the song is still poking me.  Yes, I know…shake it off, pull yourself into the light you belong and stop having your wishbone where you oughta have a backbone.  Lyrics, songs, memes, all of them flooding me and trying to build myself back up from the ruins of the life I actively participated in.
There is a gap in the traffic. No. I am not leaving this stop light until I figure out where I am going.
I can’t go back, that’s not an option. Moving forward and seeing myself past the next 60 seconds seems like an impossible task.
People are waving me in, “Come on, there is plenty of room for you.”
All I have to do is just move forward, but i’m shaking my head violently NO. NO I CAN’T! I can’t leave here because if I leave here…I can’t ever come back.  
No. I can’t ever come back anyway so why I am waiting here? Why am I actively putting myself in a waiting room?
Someone is going to pull up behind me and I am going to have to move. Oh God, please don’t make me move from this spot. Please God, get me out of this spot.

Fermare…again.

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

To stop.

I tried to meditate yesterday and I kept having anxiety bursts. I finally had to yell, STOP in my head to get it to stop.  The anxiety attacks have been creeping back in, but not as big as the one I had before a wedding I had to shoot.  In retrospect, I had a lot going on and I was suppressing a lot of things.  These are the little ones that happen before the massive one hits.  The jolts (not a full on anxiety attack…just a heart stopping jolt that usually kick starts a doozy) hit me from out of no where.  I had just finished a guided meditation and I was doing the visualization exercise and all the sudden I thought about a few different scenarios that included people and I jolted.
The day after E left I had a few of them. I could hear him yelling at me or saying my name and it scared me. This one was just the thought of anyone in my apartment.   This silence is golden and I after I got home from vacation that first day I was okay with silence then I missed the sound of people around me, but not here.
After what happened with E, there is a good chance that no one will be allowed in my apartment ever again.  Yes, the girls…but I don’t want people in my space anymore.  I feel violated by what happened here and I don’t think some sage is ever going to fix it.   I have removed all markers of any sort that remind me of that short amount of time, but he’s still here in my head and I can hear him, I can see him…I can feel him here with me. Sometimes it’s the wonderful moments of watching him making something to eat and smiling over at me or just falling asleep.  Sometimes it’s him pacing and glaring at me like I was a stranger to him.
I hate that I have both of those memories.  I hate not knowing which one will win out at the end of the day. Today I woke up and I was feeling alright, but then I remembered a conversation I had with someone last night and I was sad again.  Sad that I can’t express myself the way I want to as to explain something to him that will help him understand.
I DON’T KNOW EITHER! that’s all I have I guess.

I’m suppose to go hang out with my friend today, but I don’t think I will. I’m feeling out of sorts again.

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

d

 

I’m back from Kaua’i.
I spent the most of today just sleeping and trying to get my back feeling better.  I figured by now it would be better, but it’s not. That’s what I get for daring to take on the ocean.
I’d like to say that I was healed and my heart is no longer broken, but it is.  In so many pieces that I don’t think it will ever go back to the way it was.
Screaming is what I really want to do, but it’s pointless.  I keep thinking there is some sort of reason for all of this, but I don’t see it.  Why would the universe give him back to me only to have him taken away in such a fucked up way?  I can understand if we got back together and we just couldn’t make it work.   This is just cruel.
His mother said to me that we aren’t good for each other.  I got so angry and hurt when I read that because we WERE good for each other.  Between the two of us we had all the love in the world.  Yes, the odds were stacked, but we loved each other so much that we were willing to figure out how to make it work.  I love him. I love his family SO much.  His mother made me feel like I was the best thing to happen to him and I thought I was. That is a great feeling too.  She was amazing with all the love she has for her family and I wanted to be a part of it.  We talked about our first holidays together an what we were going to do.  Plans that now break my heart to even think about.

So now I pretend that I am going to be alright, but I’m not.  I want to scream and cry and how unfuckingfair this whole thing is.  Mental illness fucking sucks and it steals happiness.  Mine, his, everyones.  Why couldn’t he have gotten the help he needed before it was too late? before he fell so far down the rabbit hole?
It’s was easy for me shift blame on someone I thought was feeding him lies. It was easy because I didn’t want to believe that anything was REALLY wrong.  The texts prove that he is in this alternate universe that I can’t reach him in.  My love couldn’t convince him that he was wrong about all the things he is seeing and believing in his head.

At dinner the other night I was watching our waiter talk about the specials and I felt my heart break again because I  thought, “he might be crazy and no one would ever know.”  I don’t look at people the same anymore.

I have to get better soon. I hate not trusting people and hate not trusting myself.  I have to let go of what I thought was going to be the reason I went through all the shit I did…and that I was FINALLY going to get all that I really wanted.  That reality isn’t going to happen.

“Maybe your ‘happily ever after’ doesn’t include true love. maybe it’s you being happy and doing all the things you want to do.”  I know it was said to make me feel better, but knowing that your one true love is battling this horrible demon in his head is breaking my heart. I am so angry at him and I know I can’t be angry because he loved me and if he was in his right mind he would NEVER do this to me.  He wouldn’t want me to be hurting like I am.   I know this to be true.  I have a box of broken promises under my bed to prove it.

Out with it!

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

I haven’t really said much about all the stuff that went down with E and I because I have a saying, “It’s not my story to tell.”  and the things that lead up to where I am now still isn’t my story to tell, but the things that have happened is. I need to tell it because I don’t want to forget and 20 years from now thing, “Oh I wonder if I should give that crazy ass another chance.”  No. I don’t.

It’s been hard on me, because I have loved him for a long time and he has loved me for even longer. To be loved by someone like the way he loved me is intoxicating.  You’re willing to just let all those red flags go.

Well, here it is.  He is caught in some crazy mental loop where it started out that he thought I was cheating on him and then it turned into that he thought I was in p*rn. That turned into me owning my own p*rn site and as of this morning I am involved in some crazy p*rn ring that consists of me with school age kids and then it switched over to me involved in medical stuff. I have no idea where it will go next. Just when I think he can’t get any crazier, he finds new ways to prove me wrong.  He is angry at me for making his mom think he’s crazy.  Uh. No….he’s crazy.

He is convinced that the feds have information on me and my crazy ring of bandits and they are bringing me down…there is no way to hide all the p*rn I have been involved in.  I had to screen shot the texts he was sending me.  I can’t even believe that it’s him. It’s like some sick movie he’s caught in and can’t get out of.  It’s heartbreaking because he has the biggest heart in the whole world and has this capacity for love that can’t be matched.
I’ve never loved anyone that has a mental instability.  This isn’t a joking matter and it’s not funny, but if I don’t laugh at it, I will cry.  Oh and I have cried.

So here I sit in one of the worlds most beautiful places and I am being sent texts telling me I am a horrible person that is involved in this crazy life and doing HORRIBLE things that I can’t even imagine really exists in this this world, but clearly it does because the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with has been NON STOP researching it and I am the ring leader in all of it.  It’s like some sick movie.

Okay Karma…we are even.  I get it, you win.   For now on…single forever. No such thing as true love.

I keep waiting

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

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I threw out my back two days before leaving for Kauai.  I was hoping to use this time to get stronger and get over all the bullshit I have going on in my head, but I am spending the majority of the time learning how to sit down and stand up without crying in pain.
Everything happens for a reason, this I know for certainty.  The saying always pisses me off because it means that I am in the process of learning something I don’t want to learn.
I got a text and a phone call, most of which I don’t remember because I was highly medicated on pain killers, but the one thing I do remember is asking the one question that holds whatever future we might have and he didn’t want to answer it so I know that means that nothing really has changed.

I don’t want to be here and be sad. Yet here I am…sad.  Sad because I was suppose to be holding his hand and walking along the beach. So far I have just sat there and looked out at the beach.  Maybe tonight I will walk out there.  I don’t know.

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

weed

 

 

Dreaming is a bitch.
The other night I dreamt that everything was back to normal. We were laughing in my kitchen and I looked into his clear eyes and he said, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened, I wasn’t right in my head. I am sorry I hurt you and believed such wicked, horrible things.” I touched his face and smiled at him. I woke up crying because I knew that day would not come. If past truly does repeat itself then I will be at blame or all that went wrong this time around, just like when we were kids. Someone else will be to blame for his actions. I wish I could say, “I didn’t know what I was getting into.” but the reality is, I did. I just didn’t incorporate the mental breakdown he was going to have and how I went from being the person that brought him calmness to the person who was his trigger in such a short amount of time.

I know that I will never be able to be with the person I love because I cause him to lose his mind by just being who I am and the person he said he would love forever. Sometimes love isn’t enough I guess.

I woke up this morning angry. Since this all happened I have been sitting on the edge of anger. That comes with having to defend myself every time we spoke. This morning though I was angry because I had more dreams. This time I was yelling at him to listen to me, to believe me. He just stood there and mocked me. I don’t know what is better, the good dreams that make me sad and miss him or the dreams where I wake up angry and want to scream at how unfair this whole thing turned out. If I am being honest, I thing I would take the angry mornings because at least I am in touch with the reality of how it’s going to be….over. It’s unfair that his mind wasn’t strong enough. It’s unfair that I couldn’t be the one to spend the rest of my life with someone that would love me with all that he ever was and was going to be. It’s unfair that he made promises of a lifetime of cuddles, dinners, laughter, walks in the woods and fun adventures. It’s unfair that I got to see all that I ever wanted with the one person I wanted it all with and it got ripped away from me in such a cruel way.

Now I see all that I want. He showed me what kind of love I deserve. Maybe someday someone will walk into my life and be able to show me that again. It won’t be him though. It won’t be the one person that looked at me like I was his angel. He will never look at me like that again because his mind broke and he saw me as something so unlike me that there is no magic eraser to fix it.

“Dandelion
A million little wishes float across the sky
But it’s a waste of breath and a waste of time, I know
Cause just like him, you always leave me crying
Dandelion”

Now I prepare for Hawaii where hopefully I recover from this disaster.

Throwing Rocks to Save My Life.

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

I hit the trails today.
We had planned a different hike, but when it was suggested we hike Knickerbocker Canyon, I agreed.  It was too soon to reclaim it, but a reminder was what I wanted.  I wanted to see us one more time…when things were beautiful and right with us. I wanted to remember you.

On every hike I went on after I decided to give my heart back to the one person who never wanted to give it away in the first place, I would see a rock and pick it up.  I told him he was on every trail with me, in one way or another.  A large collection of rocks are stacked on my counter by the sink.
” see all the trails i took you on?” I asked him, then I would lean into his neck and steal a kiss.
The trail today started off rough. Rocks were flashing before me saying, “I’m here.” and I would refrain from picking them up and holding them close to my heart, “I know you are. I know you are here with me.”

I reached a point in the trail that overlooks the calm river below and my heart ached. I remembered.  I remembered as I looked over at him on that very first time i brought him there. “this is my favorite part of the trails.” I smiled at finally being able to show him.  “ask me.” and he smiled at me knowing what I wanted to hear, “will you marry me, Weezie?” “Absolutely!”
I remembered that moment because his hand was in mine as he fiddled with the ring that was a promise of a lifetime of proposals until the day he would make me his bride and possibly everyday after that.

I pushed past the memories and took on some hills, begging for a moment of peace in my head. I began talking to myself, “There are two important times in life.  The moment you realize that all the shit you went through in your life led that you to the place you are so you can appreciate the person you had become and the person you were with.  The other time is when you realize all the the shit in your life that happened led you to the place where you have to use that knowledge to make the right choice to save your life.”
I was out there today to save my life.  I had a destination…the river.  I was going to dive into the river and wash myself clean and find my footing.
The water was freezing, but the breeze was still warm and I plunged in and came up gasping.  My foot rested on a rock and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t find the balance to remain standing on it.
“find your footing, Kristine.”  I whispered to myself.  I dropped my heel down and just like that I was no longer floundering. I was standing effortlessly. “Stare ahead and focus on something on the horizon.”  I rested there with complete focus for what seemed like forever and then I felt myself falling backwards into the water, “TRUST FALL” I yelled out and went under.

The climb back out of the canyon proved to be hotter than I anticipated, but a million small steps got me through. I was too overheated to think about my heartbreak or feel his hand still in mine as he smiled at me, “Weezie, you’re the worst hiker EVER.” played on the hot breeze that would occasionally creep through the canyon walls.
My determination to get through this hike blocked out sounds and memories until the final stretch.
I climbed out of the canyon and I saw us sitting there from months before. “go on without me.” i begged him and we laughed so hard we both were crying.  There we were, that memory so vivid.
I kept walking and put my head down.  Sadness washed over me.  We would never have a moment like that ever again. We would no longer be making new memories.
I kept my head down and watched my feet as they kept moving. I begged God to make it better, to make this pain stop and that is when I saw the broken beer bottles on the trail and I had a flash of sound of bottles hitting the bottom of my trash can.  I heard the words he yelled at me. I heard myself begging for silence. “Do not respond.” I repeated over and over. I saw the face of mental illness and how it was destroying all that we had spent a life time building.

With only a short amount of time left to clear my head I said out loud, “I AM HERE! I AM NOT THERE!”

I crested the canyon alone. no one pulling me up. his hand not in mine anymore.

It will take a long time to be able to hike that trail and not see him next to me, hearing our laugher echo through the canyons.

Someday I will reclaim that trail.

Today was not that day.

Box of Broken Promises

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

under my bed is box of broken promises.
it use to be a box of hope. a box of light. a box of love.
now it’s a just a reminder that there is no forever. love doesn’t conquer all. time doesn’t heal wounds.

things i will remember.  his hand in mine. thoughtless caresses in front of the fire. floating in a creek.

es.

things i will forget. the words. his disbelief.  he would love me forever.  that i had forever and it was ripped away.

no weezie.

i will try to pull myself from this place i am in and find my strength, but not right now. right now i will stare at the clock and pray for night so i can sleep and escape the images he put in my head, hear the words that that were screamed, the promises that he broke.

 

i will sleep knowing there is a box of broken promises beneath me.