I don’t normally watch television during the day. It’s not because i’m ‘above’ watching daytime television, it’s mostly because it causes more anxiety than I can handle.
The commercials that start with, “Are you in debt over your head and feel like your drowning in creditor calls? WE CAN HELP!”
Call it denial or avoidance, but I can’t handle listening to these types of commercials. My heart starts to race and every single stupid purchase i’ve made in the past month or two begins to flood over me.
Today I turned on the television so I could erase all the ‘Scrapbooking’ shows I Tivo’ed thinking that MAYBE someday I could actually be a person with enough creative powers to pull one off. I have resolved that I will never be a scrapbooker. I will also not be someone that will be able to build a house with my bare hands so I deleted all the ‘do it yourself’ shows on building and plumbing.
There is this show on some local channel called ‘Starting Over’. It’s about a bunch of women with issues living in a house and working through them. I had caught an episode of it a few years ago when I had lost the remote and was too lazy to change the channel. I hated that show. I wanted to slap all the women and tell them, “THAT IS THE CHOICE YOU MADE!! QUIT COMPLAINING! START LIVING!!”
Today, I left it on for background noise while I surfed the internet in search of a way to avoid actually doing something to better my life.
“It’s NOT the issue. The issue is how you’re going to DEAL with the issue!” the woman on TV preached.
Huh?
I turned around and started watching. This whole show was PACKED full of things these women needed to know to survive in the real world. I didn’t NEED to watch this show because lookie here…real world…me…surviving. Or was I?
The words, ‘Denial’ and ‘Avoiding’ kept popping up and everytime I would hear it, this lump in my throat would just bob up and down.
This woman needed to take responsiblity for the life she had created to be able to fix it. She had to not be afraid anymore.
NOT AFRAID ANYMORE? is that possible? Do people actually get up every day and not have fear standing behind them?
I try not to write too much about it, I try to joke about it in hopes that it will make it better, but the truth is…anxiety eats me up ALL the time. Someone used the term ‘crawling out of my skin with anxiety’. The perfect description for me is more like, ‘Feeling like my heart is going to explode and if I just pull my hair and clench my teeth it will make the ache of this go away.’ My anxiety HURTS. My shoulders feel like I have been carrying a backpack full of bricks. If anyone touches them, It makes me want to hurl because it is like someone is putting salt into a wound.
Xanax isn’t a fix-all for my anxiety. If it were, I would pop those suckers like Tic-Tacs. I am the fix-all for my anxiety. I know this. I’ve read all the self help books. Pretending that I have it all together for awhile seems to work, but like all games…I stop playing and then it comes crashing back…bigger.
How to ‘get it together’ and ‘keep it together’ seems to be the question I keep asking myself.
At the end of the show, the woman that was always afraid was told to jump in the pool. She couldn’t swim, but they were not going to let her drown. It was to show her, ‘get over your fears head on.’ and then ‘move on’. It’s not the ‘issue’ it’s how you DEAL with the ‘issue’. Focus on the dealing with it.
I cried when she finally let go and jumped.
27 responses to “jump…”
When you figure out how “to keep it together”
let us all know.
Stop being hard on yourself..you do a great job.
You are gonna be ok.
I am gonna be ok.
We are gonna be ok.
OK!
HUGS
I second Pissy’s statement. I think you probably do better than you think you do. You have 9 million children in your home and they all love you which is a major thing. You have a man (who we all know are just large kids) and he loves you. So maybe you are being a tad tough on yourself?
But if you find the secret to keeping it all together without eating 50 pounds of chocolate monthly, please share the wealth.
that sounds familiar….sometimes it’s worse, sometimes it’s better…but you keep moving so it doesn’t catch up ;) you do good kristine…don’t forget that :)
hugs…
from someone who doesnt live in fear, and has figured out how to keep it all together…
wanna come over and learn my secret? :)
peace…
I used to watch that show and cry all the time. Finally weaned after last season ended.
I’m so happy for you for having your epiphany in time to get to school. I’m sure you made Kara’s day.
Funny. At 13, I would never have asked my mom to come to school.
I would like to meet someone who has it all together. When I find her, I will punch her in the face. Nobody has it all together. Even those wholier-than-thous who are giving the advice have skeleton’s in their closet. And, theirs are usually bigger than ours.
(((HUGS)))
I hear you. And this is a great post.
Believe it or not, you’re brave sometimes.
And even though I have trouble maintaining this concept in my own mind, I want to stand beside you and tell you that I think everything is going to be ok.
What Mrtl said.
Your 13 year old daughter wants you there. At school. In PUBLIC.
Do you realize you have a WHOLE hell of a lot more figured out than a lot of people?!
Here’s to you jumping Kristine. We’re here for ya.
what a wonderfully empowering blog entry. =) i have decided that Fear can either paralyze me or motivate me. i don’t always win that battle but i win it more often than i used to.
What Pissy said.
XOXO
My husband’s grandmother is 88. She was born and raised in MAUI. She almost drowned when she was in her teens and has not gone into the ocean since. She won’t even go near the pool.
I think some people would rather drown in misery and complain about it than fix it and have to maintain it.
Anxiety. The word itself stops me in my tracks some days. I, too, play the “smile an act like everything is okay, and it will be okay” game. Some days it works better than others. If you figure our how to keep it all together all the time let me know. I’ll do the same.
WOw – I just posted a similar post into my drafts! Although my post was going to begin with ragging on the annoyingness of the Kelly/Kim bathroom debacle – UGH… but was going to end with a similar theme.
I can’t believe how much of my life I’ve held back from – how much of my life I am holding myself back from – every day. I almost felt ready to jump in the proverbial pool myself. I’m glad to find that others feel the same way. It’s amazing to me how many of us are paralyzed by our own fears and anxiety. I wish we could all see ourselves as the amazing women that we others see us as.
HUGS to you Kristine.
Oh Kristine, my heart goes out to you. I can not imagine waking up to fear every morning. I have fears about the kids getting hurt or the house burning down, ya know things happening to my family. But honestly, that’s all. For you to write about it , takes immense courage and I pray that you find peace within yourself. You have exhibited such wonderful qualities through this blog and I know you have the strength to conquer this. Hang in there girl.
I agree that you’re way too hard on yourself. No one has it all figured out. If they say they do, they’re making it up. Even those women who write the self-help books… they might have found something that works for them most of the time but they do not have EVERYthing figured out.
You’re working at it and that counts for more than anything else. Every day, you get up, breathe in and out, put one foot in front of the other, raise your children, love your family. The other stuff, you work at it. *big hugs* I’ll be here to listen if you need it.
I too am constantly anxious, I think I’m always tired because my brain never sleeps.
I wish you all the sucess in the world with your anxiety. I know you can lick it. You deserve to feel calmer because you’re a truly good person. When you start realizing that, I’ll bet you will feel better.
Oh Kristine…I wish I could take your anxiety away for you. I really do. I wish I could give you just one day of waking up without fear. It’s a feeling I take for granted until I read posts from you and all the tons of other people that suffer with you. You are such a powerful woman, you can handle anything. I with you knew that.
Anxiety is a bitch…a bunch of us know that. I think the most important part of this post is that you understand that Xanax isn’t a fix-all. That’s so important.
Taking that step is so hard though. My heart goes out to you.
I saw “Starting Over” once and it addressed a bunch of symptoms of anger. I think I had 8 of 11.
I remember my days of dealing with anxiety….the increased breathing, the heart palpitations, even the dizziness. I don’t miss it – not one bit.
Great post – so well written, so easy to empathize with.
Holy crap. I just realized I am nearing 20,000 comments.
Should I get a tune up or something???
THANK YOU all so much for your words. It’s a day to day ordeal and I am still trying to figure out the in’s and out’s and what is ‘real’ fear and what is a fear I can deal with.
I need to not panic about every single detail. I always manage to make it through it…it’s just the part that someone says, “GUESS WHAT YOU’RE DEALING WITH TODAY?” and I just want to shut down.
I’m off to the dentist TWICE today because the dumb ass ex can’t manage to take ONE hour off of work to take his daughter to the dentist. He can take a 2 hour lunch, hang out here in the morning and stink up my bathroom but when it comes to actually participating in the parts that matter…he has to work.
W.T.F.EVER!
Sorry, did I just sound bitter? I am.
When you figure that out…without oding on xanax or eating your weight in chocolate, please please please let me know!
I understand your feelings, I am very anxiety ridden myself, and sometimes you just gotta let go! (I know, much much easier to say than to do!)
I just started reading your blog, but you seem like a great person and you’re doing it, you’re living it so don’t be so hard on yourself.
Also, I just started a blog (www.manicmommie.blogspot.com), I’d love it if you’d check it out and I’d appreciate any feedback. I think I’ll start playing SPF in the future. Thanks!
My wife loves that show.
Don’t let fear stand behind you, because it may push you into something you do not want to do. Nor in front of you because it will block you from doing some things. Let it stand next to you, put your arm around it and embrace it and tackle life together.
Kara had a dentist appointment today. I had a panic attack thinking that the dental insurance wasn’t going to cover stuff. BREEEEEEAAAAATHHHHH.
Oh, this is comment number 19997. I’m not going to pretend i’m not excited about that. In blogger I never knew…this one it has a big number (quite annoyingly large) number in the box.
Boy, can I relate to this topic. I have often wondered myself, “Do people wake up in the morning and actually NOT feel nauseated and like they are going to puke because of anxiety”. “Do people wake up and find that their hands are NOT shaking?” “Do people go through each day without experiencing that impending doom feeling?” I can’t imagine it. I always have anxiety, mornings being my absolute worse. I am in counseling, reading self help books, doing the Lucinda Bassett program, popping anti anxiety meds, Ativan, Valium, taking anti depressants, etc. etc. etc. I have been doing this “dance” for so long that I can’t imagine waking up and not feeling scared to death. Not to have my heart pound out of it’s chest.
Kristine, those debt commercials send me into a panic as well. I can’t watch anything about legal issues or past due bills or health or “are you a good parent” topics.
It’s not just one day at a time..it is one minute..one second and you know what? It totally sucks!!!
I hear ya on that anxiety thing. I wish I could jump in a pool, take the leap, face my fear and move past it. Problem is don’t know what “it” is.
I am like you, smile, be happy, hold it together and eventually crash, cry and hide out in bed for awhile.
Thing is SO MANY PEOPLE have this to deal with. I am not saying this as an excuse, but I seriously think our society perpetuates anxiety, especially in woman. I could write a diabtribe here but I won’t at least for now.
Tea, a candle, comfy PJs and some time alone usually help me, at least for awhile. Work..DEFINITELY DOES NOT help me. But it looks like that might be changing as soon as this week!
What a honest and raw post that probably touches home for a lot of people. I think that it is only human to have fears and anxieties . . . it is when they take over your thoughts and paralyze you that they become a problem.
I teach a public speaking course and my students always use fear as an excuse. It is very common; I tell them that is it natural to feel that way and it just means that they care about themselves and their life. The important lesson to captivate those feelings and use the energy in a positive way!
{{{hugs}}} I hope you are doing okay!