I’m a cuticle biter. I’ve revealed this in a former post that I am too lazy to go and link for you. Trust me, I’m a cuticle biter and sometimes my mind tells me that I need to just tear my fingers up and gnaw my fingers to the bone.
On my last visit to Redding, my mother looked at my fingers and said, “You get that from your grandma Conner, she was a biter too.” Great. Is there a family member that has a good trait I can pick up on? Perhaps an great-great grandmother that knew how to figure out the winning lottery numbers?
Yesterday was my first ‘Managing Anxiety and Panic Disorder’ class. I had avoided the last two sessions because honestly the teacher’s voice drove me nuts and I didn’t think I could spend 6 weeks listening to him mumble his way to a cure.
This first meeting was a joke. No, okay…I’m not being fair. Perhaps for people who just started dealing with anxiety, this class might be very helpful. For someone who has been coping with panic for years, it wasn’t helpful at all.
He went over some of the things that you feel when you’re in the middle of a panic attack. Then he went over what our mind is telling us.
Me being the outspoken one said, “What my mind is telling me right now is that I am sitting in a room with one door, no windows and at any point someone can come into this room with a gun and kill us all.”
To say the room fell silent is an understatement. His squeaky magic eraser pen came to a halt and he looked at me. “Do you really want me to write that on the board?” He was seriously scolding me for saying it out loud. Like I was trying to scare people!
I then said, “I’m sorry, but that is what my mind tells me in every room, every store, every restaurant that I go into. What happened at Virginia Tech is my panic ‘disorder’ realized.”
He wrote on the board, “no way to escape.”
My worst fear that causes so much anxiety in my daily life was summarized to ‘no way to escape’.
I’m sorry, but I will escape. The fun part of having what I have is the strength to know that in any situation I will live through it. If someone comes into the restaurant that I am in and decides to pull out a gun. My ass knows what to do, where the other doors are. Before I am seated, I have already lived what could happen.
Yes, it sucks to always be living for the worst possible scenario everywhere I go.
In the middle of the first class he informed us that he would be ‘triggering’ an anxiety attack so he could teach us how to ‘breath’ through them.
Yes, I opened my mouth again. “You’re going to trigger an anxiety attack in class? In front of other people? Do you realize how many years we have been in social situations and had to hide them?”
I’m sorry.
Yes, I share my stories with you all, but really you only get to see the after-the-fact written word of what I went through. You don’t see the fear, you don’t feel the fear, you don’t feel how much pain my body is in the next day after an panic attack.
This man wants me to have an anxiety attack in front of strangers? OH HELL NO. It wasn’t until last year that I allowed Shaun to finally see how bad they are. I let him hold me as I cried in PAIN and listened to his words that everything was going to be OK. I let all the fear inside of me out and cried harder than I had cried in a million years. I told him everything I was feeling and it scared him. He took the next day off work and stayed with me so I could rest. Every muscle in my body hurt and my chest and throat were raw.
They aren’t always that bad. I have managed to find a way to get through them without them getting to that point, but sometimes, my mind won’t allow me to and I have to just freak the fuck out.
I came home after the appointment extremely pissed off. I don’t know why. I think it might be the sunshine he was trying to blow up our asses about how we were all going to be cured by learning how to breath.
His cure to the whole thing was learning how to breath. GOT IT. I know how to breath. DEEP BREATHING. Got that too, had 3 kids, I know all kinds of breathing. IN WITH THE GOOD, OUT WITH THE BAD.
Maybe it was being in a room with only one door and a doctor who though I was crazy that someone might come in and kill us. Trust me, when it happens, I’m using his body as a human shield and I will whispering in his ear, “Breath through this asshole!”
Yes, as you can see, I’m dealing with anger issues as well as anxiety issues. I went in believing that there was hope for me and walked out realizing this man has NEVER in his life dealt with anxiety or panic attacks and all the stuff that he is saying is all just text book.
I had to put on fake nails the other day because my thumbs are raw from gnawing on them at night. It makes it hard to peel the skin from my fingers with fake nails on. It also makes it very hard to type, that’s why you have been getting the lame posts. Sorry.
SPF this week will be “FRAMED” Show me your favorite frame, framed picture, a frame you have been coveting in a store or online, or get creative and show us your version of ‘framed’.
Send vibes. Send good vibes. Send cookies.
23 responses to “Let it beeeee, let it be. Let it beeee, let it be.”
Hang in there…..send me your addy- I will send you cookies !
i completely understand how you feel. i really, really do. whenever i go in anywhere (especially the theater), i make sure i know where all the exits are and i never sit with my back to a door. every scenario that could happen goes through my mind as i’m walking into anywhere. and getting in a car? omg! everytime i get into a car i see my death. it’s like a constant movie playing in my mind. it’s probably why i’m so over protective of my children. mine goes one step further though because i don’t trust ANYONE. no matter how nice or sweet they seem to be. i learned a long time ago that evil can come in pretty packages. strangely enough, i’ve only had two real panic attacks. i’m not sure how i keep them at bay. it could be the xanax or the alcohol;-)
and that breathing shit is for the fucking birds!
hang in there girlfriend…apparently i need to send cookies AND music;-)
Why would someone teach a class in which they know nothing about? I can read a book about being a doctor, but that doesn’t mean I can diagnose anything.
I have only had one panic attack and it was when they were giving meds in order to perform a c-section so the meds probably contributed. I in no way want to ever repeat that feeling. I could not imagine living with that from day to day. I would send you a truckful of cookies if it would take it away.
I don’t know how you didn’t just smack him upside the head. I have had a few panic attacks (nothing coming close to being as severe as yours) and I can’t just breathe through them. I usually pop a valium and wait for it to kick in. Tell him to go suck on a tailpipe and see how well he breathes then! UGH!
BTW…I make some bad ass chocolate chip cookies and my brownies are even better!
i am a cuticle biter too, and it took me years to realize it was anxiety-related. ugh.
and i also can’t believe someone could be that cavalier about anxiety attacks. someone needs to hold his head under water so he knows what real panic feels like.
I hate that so much. People who have no idea what anxiety is like and try to tell you just to “calm down, its not a big deal.” Well, it is to us. Even though you logically know everything is okay, that overwhelming feeling will still drag you under.
Deep breathing helps me when I’m trying not to choke someone. If you want to help Anxiety, give me a truck of Lexapro and some cookies!
I am a nail biter. It’s awful–my fingers are a constant source of embarrassment. And it’s totally stress related–freak me out and I’ll chew them until they bleed.
Hang in there. Something will work for you, I’m sure…
I chew my nails. I am frazzled from my husband ordering me around all the time.
That totally freaks me out that people can teach classes about something they have no knowledge or understanding of whatsoever.
I really can’t imagine what it must be like to have an anxiety or panick attack, though I know someone who occasionally deals with anxiety issues. It can be paralyzing.
((HUGS))
I bite cuticles, nails and skin… it’s bad :( Mine is anxiety related though. Never had to be on meds, but I know that’s what it is. Hang in there ((HUGS)) and remember…
breathe!
;)
*sending good vibes*
btw- I’m soo a cuticle biter too
I’ve been to a course like that too, my anxiety is being around other people, so I didn’t stick around for the entire course. Lol. And when they started in with the breathing, I knew I was done. I know how to breath and focusing on my breathing just makes me hyperventilate. Thanks, but no thanks.
Hummm….. I think your anger towards that class pretty much sums up my feelings toward a good portion of the medical community. I have never in my life understood how someone that hasn’t been through it can tell me that I’ll ‘be ok’… I’m always thinking… “kiss my ass, you don’t have a clue!”
The human mind is powerful, and we have ways to heal ourselves. You have obviously found a way to live with your anxiety. Pat yourself on the back, you already know more than that instructor ever will.
I’ve learned to live with my anxiety – drug free. I know others aren’t as lucky. My secret is simply to avoid my ‘triggers’. It’s not always easy or even possible, but it’s sure worth trying.
Email me your address to: lmpinkham@hotmail.com. I have a CD made for you! ;)
I never had any panic or anxiety moments until after I quit taking medication for a disorder that I have since put in remission (by surgery). Since my being “cured” of it this other nasty thing has started happening… While driving, while paying bills, while shopping (I HATE GROCERY STORES). People generally just freak me the fuck out and I can’t handle them…. My BF only knows of parts of it, and he too tells me to breath and to quit crying (men they have no idea how cleansing a good cry is… ) and to talk it thru. I usually do with him, but it isnt like I can bring him everywhere with me, make him go shopping for me and do my job… Ya know… I feel for you, and pray that it gets better for you.
Anyways. Sending you good vibes and a hug!!!
I thought for a long time I had panic/anxeity attacks … turns out I really only have had one and when that one hit I thought I would die … it was so so so scary … I am sorry you go through that! I will keep sending positive thoughts of no attacks your way! :)
I am sending you love and good vibes.
I know you don’t want to hear this (again from me) but breathing helped me with my panic.
When I learned that shallow breathing is what releases adrenaline into the stomach and kicks off more panic symptoms (like muscle tensing and spasm, and for my form of panic, puking every few minutes)… I started working on controlling my breathing and it really helped.
I had to do breathing exercises when I wasn’t panicking to get it down. I still do them just about every day.
I know you have to be able to get to the place where you can get a foot in the door with the panic before this or any non-medicine cure will become useful. I know it is not just “that easy”.
But that doesn’t mean that it can’t help people with panic.
I know you’re pissed and it doesn’t sound like this guy knows how to talk with people who have panic disorders (at least he sort of blew it with you in the first meeting). But maybe he is not a total retard. Maybe there is something there to gain or learn from this class. Or another class.
When you’re ready.
xoxo
p.s. my mom called me from the hospital a while ago (she had a stroke and heart attack)
And she was panicking (and in this case, going toward psychotic) (it’s my mom, that is not an understatement) (And I am not saying anyone with panic is psychotic).
She thought they were pumping poison into her hospital room instead of air. She was freaking out and crying, and she is across the country from me, and after I got her a tiny bit calmed down, she asked me if I would sing a song for her.
And I CANNOT SING.
She asked me to sing Let It Be, and asked me if I remembered her singing it when I was little. And I told her I did.
So I looked up the words and I sang Let It Be to my mom over the phone about 6 times, extremely badly. I started out crying silently as I sang it for her, because she was so scared and upset and I felt helpless.
But by the time my (terrible) voice was giving out, she was feeling a little better.
Then I described the yard and the tree fort at the first house where we lived when I was a kid. And then I described the things I see on my walks every day through my neighborhood; the trees, the flowers I stop by to visit every time, to see what new stage of life they’re in.
Then she fell asleep.
I could call you up when you don’t feel well and tell you stories or read something – love haikus, maybe?
Think it would work?
It’s strange that I picked that song as the title of my post.
YES, call me and read me children’s books please.
sending good vibes…
Hey Kristine! You should e-mail me sometime and ask about how I dealt with my anxiety attacks…I have learned to deal with them, but it takes a lot of work to keep them at bay…and breathing exercises NEVER helped me! My prayers will be with you and good vibes are always being sent:-)
Just fyi…I PLAYED this week! The topic is something I am passionate about, so make sure you come by…I think you will appreciate my entries:-)
Have a great weekend!
I’ve been told by former co-workers that my hands look like I was going at them with a cheese grater. Breathing may be a solution, but I prefer professional manicures and Burt’s Bees Lemon Butter Cuticle Cream.
I’m still waiting to send you a CD!
I have anger issues, bipolar issues, people issues…oh, wait, people I just hate.
Yeah.
I’m sorry you’re going through so much and the teacher is a jackass :-(