And The Itsy Bitsy Spider went up the Spout Again!
I’ve done really stupid things in life when it comes to being a parent.
They go in this order:
1. When Kara was about 3 or 4 she came into the bedroom while I was painting and asked me if she ‘could put the thing in thing’. I wasn’t paying attention because I was covered in purple paint at the time. So I said, “Sure.”
The next thing that happened scared the living shit out of me. POW! Then all the lights went off in the house and Kara was screaming in the other bedroom.
I ran into the bedroom to see her sitting at the power outlet screaming her head off. “YOU SAID I COULD!” and she handed me some metal prong thing that was clearly NOT anything that should ‘plugged in’.
2. I let Alyx watch Shea in her bathtub ring while I went into the kitchen to grab a cup so I could wash their hair. It took two seconds for Shea’s bulging belly to bust that bath ring into 4 pieces and for to slip under the water. Alyx was only 15 months older that Shea was, but had the maturity of a 13 year old when she started screaming, “OH HELP! OH HELP!”
3. I forgot for 3 nights in a row to take the tooth from under Alyx’s pillow and every morning she would come in my room with tears streaming down her face not understanding why the tooth fairy wouldn’t visit her.
Each time I managed to save my children from the clutches of CPS or a visit to the hospital. I never ever had to call the ambulance or fire department. Not bad seeing I had almost shocked, drown and mentally scared my kids.
Today I put Jeremiah’s car seat in my van, taking extra care to make sure it was not ever going to move. I climbed into his seat to give it extra weight as I pulled the latching system in super tight. That seat was not moving. As I was putting him in, he started to get fussy. When I say fussy, I am being nice. When Jeremiah ‘gets fussy’ he screams at the top of his lungs. He screams so loud and at a pitch that only dogs in Pakistan can hear. It’s a scream so loud that it feels like he is jabbing Q-tips into your ears. Do you understand what I am saying here? He screams. LOUD. HIGH PITCH. LOUD.
The only way to get him not to scream like that is to shove a boob in his mouth or hand him my keys. Keys it was.
He loves my keys. It has this orange stretchy cord on it, little cards, a keyring a blogger sent me and best of all, my alarm system with this cute button that causes the car to make cool noises.
After the grueling 19 minutes it takes me to strap the kid in the car I hand him a cool toy and shut the van door.
I locked my keys in the car. WITH. THE. BABY.
Panic Disorder much?
Imagine if you will standing in my driveway yanking on the door handle as if God would say, “ha ha, just kidding, it’s not locked.” and then looking in the window to see all the other doors locked.
“OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD.” (yes, I know I will go to hell for the last statement, but I probably deserve it)
I had just locked my husbands, ex-wife’s baby in the car. Ohhhhhhhh, I am going to be in SOOO much trouble.
“Kara get my phone!” Then I realize…my cell phone IS IN THE CAR. “KARA! GOD! GET YOUR PHONE!” She ran into the house and grabbed her phone and asked me who to call.
“CALL 911!!!”
I am tapping on the window and Jeremiah is starting to realize that Auntie Koo-Koo is looking a bit scared. He starts to scream.
This is how the 911 call went. You might be hearing this on one of those ‘The Stupidest 911 Calls EVER” shows.
“911, what is your emergency?”
“I locked my baby in the car. Hi Honey! Hiiiii babbbby! Noooo, it’s OK!! Kara, play peek-boo!”
“Ma’am, where are you at?”
“My Driveway.”
“No, your location…what town?”
“Oh, Rocklin. I KNOW! The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout…”
“Ma’am, your address please.”
“Hold on. Kara sing it with me please! LOUDER! ITSY BITSY SPIDER WENT UP THE WATER SPOUT!”
I then give the woman the address and she asks me how long he’s been locked in the car. “about 92 seconds. KARA! IS HE CRYING? no? Good, KEEP SINGING!”
The lady informed me she was going to transfer the call to the local fire department and she is giving the information to the other lady at the fire department, all the while the two ladies on the phone are having to listen to Kara and I sing at the top of our lungs, “DOWN CAME THE RAIN, AND WASHED THE SPIDER OUT!”
“Ma’am, we are going to dispatch the fire truck out to your location.”
“GREAT IDEA! Kara, go get the fire truck!”
“No Ma’am, we are going to bring the fire truck to you.”
Well duh, my car keys are locked in the car WITH THE BABY! Idiots.
Kara comes outside with Jeremiah’s toy fire truck and is showing it to him.
Jeremiah then realizes that Kara is outside of the car and has his fire truck. The nerve! He starts screaming again.
“OUT CAME THE SUN, AND DRIED UP THE ALL THE RAIN!” He is amused that we are both singing to him and stops screaming.
Now the neighbors are coming out, because how often do the strange people in the court stand outside the car and sing Itsy Bitsy Spider to it?
The people on the corner are having tile put in their house so they had workers outside. They actually stopped cutting tile so they could watch as Kara and I dance around the outside of the van singing SO loud.
At this point my friend, Big Sexy pulls up and sees me freaking out while trying to keep the motions of Itsy Bitsy Spider in line with the words. “I locked the baby in the car. Can you go get Alyx and Shea?”
Right about now I hear the fire engines. They used the sirens. I think they even borrowed sirens from other fire trucks to make sure that EVERYONE in a 20 mile radius could hear they were coming to MY HOUSE because the idiot woman locked a baby in her van.
The fire fighters come rushing out of the truck in full fire fighter gear, hats and all. They were taking this very seriously.
“Ma’am, how long has he been in there?” The hat wearing fire fighter asks.
“I think about 4 minutes. Kara? About 4 minutes?”
“Okay, he looks pretty worked up.”
“KARA! SING!”
And we stand in front of the van and start doing our two part harmony again. He is interested in the fact that their are strange looking guys playing with Auntie Koo-Koo’s van and that Auntie Koo-Koo and KiKi are singing just for him.
The door pops open and I have him out of that seat so fast. He is annoyed that there are way too many people standing close to him and all of them are looking at him. Looking at him is against Jeremiah rules. You can only look at him if he allows you to. If you try to look at him without written consent, he will curl into a tiny ball and shove himself into my pocket, all the while screaming to dogs in Pakistan.
“I need to check his temperature.” One of the EMT people say. I didn’t even realize I had a paramedic van in my court. Then the nice man makes the mistake of putting his hand too close to the child. Somehow, Jeremiah manages to pull some “wax on, wax off, paint the fence” move. He blocks the guy every single time he reaches to touch him. Then he lets the nice man know what he thinks of him. I tell him that he’s alright that he’s always like that around strangers and he’s not that warm.
“Trust me, that isn’t even screaming. Try putting him in his play pen while I do the dishes. NOW THAT IS SCREAMING.”
After all the drama was over we went back into the house and Jeremiah was fine, playing with his toys as if nothing out of the ordinary had just happened.
This is the point that I realize how much my children love me. “Mom, Tabitha never has to know about this.” And each one throws up their pinkie finger so we can bond in this one secret that no one would ever have to know about.
“No, I’m going to call her and tell her. I have to tell her.”
“NO!” all four girls yell in unison. “DO NOT CALL HER!”
“I’m calling her.”
“Wait until she gets home.”
“Nope, calling.”
At this point I know how much all the girls really care about me because they follow me into the room while I made the call. One child patting my leg and Marina almost in tears. She just knows her mom is going to drive home and beat the hell out of her new step mother.
Tabitha was more worried about me because I was so scared. “He OK?”
“He’s fine. He was only in there for like 5 minutes, but it felt like 5 hours.”
“You OK?” She laughs.
“I LOCKED YOUR BABY IN THE CAR. No, I’m not okay.”
“He’s out now. Calm down, Girlie.”
She still loves me.
Of course, Poor Jeremiah is going to have fire fighter flashbacks every time he hears, Itsy Bitsy Spider.