I’ve done really stupid things in life when it comes to being a parent.
They go in this order:
1. When Kara was about 3 or 4 she came into the bedroom while I was painting and asked me if she ‘could put the thing in thing’. I wasn’t paying attention because I was covered in purple paint at the time. So I said, “Sure.”
The next thing that happened scared the living shit out of me. POW! Then all the lights went off in the house and Kara was screaming in the other bedroom.
I ran into the bedroom to see her sitting at the power outlet screaming her head off. “YOU SAID I COULD!” and she handed me some metal prong thing that was clearly NOT anything that should ‘plugged in’.
2. I let Alyx watch Shea in her bathtub ring while I went into the kitchen to grab a cup so I could wash their hair. It took two seconds for Shea’s bulging belly to bust that bath ring into 4 pieces and for to slip under the water. Alyx was only 15 months older that Shea was, but had the maturity of a 13 year old when she started screaming, “OH HELP! OH HELP!”
3. I forgot for 3 nights in a row to take the tooth from under Alyx’s pillow and every morning she would come in my room with tears streaming down her face not understanding why the tooth fairy wouldn’t visit her.
Each time I managed to save my children from the clutches of CPS or a visit to the hospital. I never ever had to call the ambulance or fire department. Not bad seeing I had almost shocked, drown and mentally scared my kids.
Today I put Jeremiah’s car seat in my van, taking extra care to make sure it was not ever going to move. I climbed into his seat to give it extra weight as I pulled the latching system in super tight. That seat was not moving. As I was putting him in, he started to get fussy. When I say fussy, I am being nice. When Jeremiah ‘gets fussy’ he screams at the top of his lungs. He screams so loud and at a pitch that only dogs in Pakistan can hear. It’s a scream so loud that it feels like he is jabbing Q-tips into your ears. Do you understand what I am saying here? He screams. LOUD. HIGH PITCH. LOUD.
The only way to get him not to scream like that is to shove a boob in his mouth or hand him my keys. Keys it was.
He loves my keys. It has this orange stretchy cord on it, little cards, a keyring a blogger sent me and best of all, my alarm system with this cute button that causes the car to make cool noises.
After the grueling 19 minutes it takes me to strap the kid in the car I hand him a cool toy and shut the van door.
I locked my keys in the car. WITH. THE. BABY.
Panic Disorder much?
Imagine if you will standing in my driveway yanking on the door handle as if God would say, “ha ha, just kidding, it’s not locked.” and then looking in the window to see all the other doors locked.
“OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD.” (yes, I know I will go to hell for the last statement, but I probably deserve it)
I had just locked my husbands, ex-wife’s baby in the car. Ohhhhhhhh, I am going to be in SOOO much trouble.
“Kara get my phone!” Then I realize…my cell phone IS IN THE CAR. “KARA! GOD! GET YOUR PHONE!” She ran into the house and grabbed her phone and asked me who to call.
“CALL 911!!!”
I am tapping on the window and Jeremiah is starting to realize that Auntie Koo-Koo is looking a bit scared. He starts to scream.
This is how the 911 call went. You might be hearing this on one of those ‘The Stupidest 911 Calls EVER” shows.
“911, what is your emergency?”
“I locked my baby in the car. Hi Honey! Hiiiii babbbby! Noooo, it’s OK!! Kara, play peek-boo!”
“Ma’am, where are you at?”
“My Driveway.”
“No, your location…what town?”
“Oh, Rocklin. I KNOW! The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout…”
“Ma’am, your address please.”
“Hold on. Kara sing it with me please! LOUDER! ITSY BITSY SPIDER WENT UP THE WATER SPOUT!”
I then give the woman the address and she asks me how long he’s been locked in the car. “about 92 seconds. KARA! IS HE CRYING? no? Good, KEEP SINGING!”
The lady informed me she was going to transfer the call to the local fire department and she is giving the information to the other lady at the fire department, all the while the two ladies on the phone are having to listen to Kara and I sing at the top of our lungs, “DOWN CAME THE RAIN, AND WASHED THE SPIDER OUT!”
“Ma’am, we are going to dispatch the fire truck out to your location.”
“GREAT IDEA! Kara, go get the fire truck!”
“No Ma’am, we are going to bring the fire truck to you.”
Well duh, my car keys are locked in the car WITH THE BABY! Idiots.
Kara comes outside with Jeremiah’s toy fire truck and is showing it to him.
Jeremiah then realizes that Kara is outside of the car and has his fire truck. The nerve! He starts screaming again.
“OUT CAME THE SUN, AND DRIED UP THE ALL THE RAIN!” He is amused that we are both singing to him and stops screaming.
Now the neighbors are coming out, because how often do the strange people in the court stand outside the car and sing Itsy Bitsy Spider to it?
The people on the corner are having tile put in their house so they had workers outside. They actually stopped cutting tile so they could watch as Kara and I dance around the outside of the van singing SO loud.
At this point my friend, Big Sexy pulls up and sees me freaking out while trying to keep the motions of Itsy Bitsy Spider in line with the words. “I locked the baby in the car. Can you go get Alyx and Shea?”
Right about now I hear the fire engines. They used the sirens. I think they even borrowed sirens from other fire trucks to make sure that EVERYONE in a 20 mile radius could hear they were coming to MY HOUSE because the idiot woman locked a baby in her van.
The fire fighters come rushing out of the truck in full fire fighter gear, hats and all. They were taking this very seriously.
“Ma’am, how long has he been in there?” The hat wearing fire fighter asks.
“I think about 4 minutes. Kara? About 4 minutes?”
“Okay, he looks pretty worked up.”
“KARA! SING!”
And we stand in front of the van and start doing our two part harmony again. He is interested in the fact that their are strange looking guys playing with Auntie Koo-Koo’s van and that Auntie Koo-Koo and KiKi are singing just for him.
The door pops open and I have him out of that seat so fast. He is annoyed that there are way too many people standing close to him and all of them are looking at him. Looking at him is against Jeremiah rules. You can only look at him if he allows you to. If you try to look at him without written consent, he will curl into a tiny ball and shove himself into my pocket, all the while screaming to dogs in Pakistan.
“I need to check his temperature.” One of the EMT people say. I didn’t even realize I had a paramedic van in my court. Then the nice man makes the mistake of putting his hand too close to the child. Somehow, Jeremiah manages to pull some “wax on, wax off, paint the fence” move. He blocks the guy every single time he reaches to touch him. Then he lets the nice man know what he thinks of him. I tell him that he’s alright that he’s always like that around strangers and he’s not that warm.
“Trust me, that isn’t even screaming. Try putting him in his play pen while I do the dishes. NOW THAT IS SCREAMING.”
After all the drama was over we went back into the house and Jeremiah was fine, playing with his toys as if nothing out of the ordinary had just happened.
This is the point that I realize how much my children love me. “Mom, Tabitha never has to know about this.” And each one throws up their pinkie finger so we can bond in this one secret that no one would ever have to know about.
“No, I’m going to call her and tell her. I have to tell her.”
“NO!” all four girls yell in unison. “DO NOT CALL HER!”
“I’m calling her.”
“Wait until she gets home.”
“Nope, calling.”
At this point I know how much all the girls really care about me because they follow me into the room while I made the call. One child patting my leg and Marina almost in tears. She just knows her mom is going to drive home and beat the hell out of her new step mother.
Tabitha was more worried about me because I was so scared. “He OK?”
“He’s fine. He was only in there for like 5 minutes, but it felt like 5 hours.”
“You OK?” She laughs.
“I LOCKED YOUR BABY IN THE CAR. No, I’m not okay.”
“He’s out now. Calm down, Girlie.”
She still loves me.
Of course, Poor Jeremiah is going to have fire fighter flashbacks every time he hears, Itsy Bitsy Spider.
36 responses to “And The Itsy Bitsy Spider went up the Spout Again!”
i got out of bed because i couldn’t sleep,..
and then started reading this….
do you have ANY idea how hard it is to laugh,.. but NOT laugh?
i think i hurt myself.
and i am still laughing. lol
Kristine! I’m so sorry for you. One of the girls I used to nanny for locked herself in the playroom. I could look at her through the sliding glass doors but couldn’t get her out. The firemen saved me, too.
You did a great job writing the story, though… too, too funny!
I’ve done that before. But I was in the grocery store parking lot and my car was running (because it was in the middle of the summer) and I had gone to take the buggy back and forgot that my car is one of those that automaticallly locks when it’s running and you shut the door. Isabella was about 6 months old. Thank God I had the air conditioner on and she was asleep or it would have been much worse.
I didn’t call the fire dept. though, I called my husband at work and made him come ALL the way there, which took about 30min. He was not happy.
That was 6 years ago and he STILL tells that story at family get togethers. Butthead!
Ok, go to Home Depot and have a door key made and put one in your house, an extra one in your purse in case you ever do lock the keys in the car, you can at least unlock the door. One time I was late for work so I parked and jumped out locked the door, ran into work. When I went to my car to go to lunch, the doors were locked, the keys were in the car, the car was running. It had been running for 4 hours. I had to call a lock smith to open my car. Now I have extra keys everywhere.
That must have scared the sh** out of you – I am sorry.
And I am sorry that I laught the hole entry – but you made my day! So – I guess no sorry for laughing … :-D
Damn you are a good story teller!!! I swear I was RIGHT THERE with you, screaming The Itsy Bitsy Spider!!!
Great job, you took quick action and showed what an awesome Auntie you really are!!!
I can see it all happening.
I like the “can I put the thing in the thing” story as well.
Im sorry you were so freaked out, but it all ended well and you really are a great Auntie.
But Im still laughing at the Karate Baby Moves. Wish I coulda seen that!!!!
XXX
LOL Now, that was funny! Sorry you had such a bad afternoon, but thanks for sharing! :)
OMG I can’t stop laughing. Laughing with you, well at you too lol. I have done it myself, in a shopping plaza. Want to talk about feeling stupid?
That is funny and sucky at the smae time.
What an excellent job writing it.
Oh sweetie.
That is one hellofa day.
But a great great story.
I couldn’t stop reading.
Tabitha didn’t kill you.
J is ok.
That is all that matters.
I did the same thing with Mikayla when she was a baby. It was about 80 degrees outside though and I ran from neighbor to neighbor to get someone to help me because I couldn’t get in my own damn house to use the phone, (keys in the car…) I lived in a townhouse/apt. type place and didn’t know any of my neighbors, plus it was the middle of the day so no one was home. Finally someone let me use their phone, (reluctantly,) and the firemen came to my rescue too. Although they were going to bust my window to get her out. Can you imagine THAT mess?
Feel better girl, you know I love you!
what parent *hasn’t* done that sort of stuff???
I was starving Paul for 2 weeks….
I dropped Joe on his head and his rolled back into his head….
no ones perfect.
you’re a *great* mom
:)
That was the funniest thing I have ever read! I could see it happening!
You poor thing!
My cousin did this with her daughter too. I’m sure the fire department is used to it. Aren’t your girls sweet? They were worried about their poor mom. Great story, thanks for sharing.
Oh I know a police officer, and you wouldnt guess how many times that hes rescued air conditioned babies by punching out windows. Ive known two people who have had their windows punched out to save an air conditioned baby, so dont worry, youre not alone.
I’ll send Tammy over to tell you her story.
OMG. You kill me.
You just doin’ too much, girl. Just doin’ too much.
Did it. At the mall. No other person with me with a cell phone. Had to flag down a stranger and use their phone.
So. Very. Embarrassing.
You poor thing! It happens more often than not but with how you told it, it was hilarious! I’m glad it turned out all right :)
KRISTINE! I am not laughing I swear I am not! But honey I love you so much! =)
It happens alot. Some moms even smash their kids fingers in the door and then the key breaks off in the lock.
Ohmigosh! I was cracking up all the way through this. Because I’ve done the same thing too.
First, My stepson had four teeth pulled at once so he just knew that he was getting alot of money. By the second day of me forgetting he was ready to kick the Tooth Fairy’s ass.
Second, I locked my 16mo old niece in the car. She starts freaking out. I called fire department but they were taking too long. Her face started turning red from screaming and crying, so I had to take a hammer to the window.
So basically, I feel you.
Is it wrong that I am laughing my ass off at your story? Yes, probably wrong but I can’t help it. You are a great story teller. :)
Sorry you had this trauma but you know, I really love hearing how other parents make mistakes too. It’s that mother-bond thing that cannot be broken. :)
I have never laughed so hard in my entire life.
Your girls are awesome! Even Tabitha!
LMAO!
I left Jack in the car once. In the middle of summer, thanfully inside our garage, but still it was hot. I even left in a different car to go grocery shopping! When I returned, my sister and husband were holding cold wet towels on him while he was in the baby swing. Apparently he had cried hystiercally and worked himself into a fret. He had been in there for like 15 minutes before anyone realized it. We all felt horrible, but it could have been so much worse!
HUGS!
Oh yeah… LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY at the tooth fairy story! That will be me I guarantee it!
Your girls are soooo sweet! and Tabitha, too.
When oldest son was a toddler, he put a key on my keyring into the wall outlet.
The electrical jolt knocked him backward about 3 feet, and scared the bejeebers out of us both.
Blue smoke filled our apartment.
The whole building lost power.
We had to call the complex manager, the power company repair guy had to climb the pole. My handyman husband rewired the outlet.
I never gave the kid my keys again.
Gawd, your stories make me feel better about my own parenting blunders. Thanks for the laugh and glad the little guy is okay!
OMG you cracked me up. I am sure it was very very very overwhelming. But, you make it sound so very funny.
And yay for admitting to parenting mistakes.
LOL!!! Well, what can I say other than this….YES I absolutely love and adore you and Yes, the girls were right…had it been anyone other than you I probably would have sprouted wings and flew home only to beat the crap out of you! ESPECIALLY if you had not told me!! HOWEVER, because you are my very dear friend whom I know would NEVER hurt my precious screamer or ME, than I think you are allowed a pass! Lets just try to figure out how to get the hot firemen here WITHOUT using Boo as a ploy! I lovvvvvve the fact that your neighbors think you are Coo-coo! Who gives a crap what they think…Like THEY have never locked a kid in the car! duhhhhh
frickin’ hilarious!! a true classic!!
aunty koo koo… you slay me.
I agree w/ Tabitha! Lets all go to Kristines and get the pretty firemen, oh sorry trucks to come back to play.
You are all okay, that is great. You did good, minus a little NORMAL panic.
The dog/Pakistan thing…well lets just say everyone here in Panera Bread thinks I’m a loony laughing at my laptop screen.
Oh, and one more thing. Thanks for making me teary (again, in Panera) about the tooth fairy thing. I’ve done it!! :(
Peace out , sista
I just wish a neighbor had had the sense to run inside and return with a camera in hand, to produce a priceless camera recording, ya know?
[…] By looking at this picture you would never know the power this kid punches when he screams. I went into small detail about the screaming the child can get to, but unless you have actually HEARD the scream, you have no idea. You think your child can scream. You THINK your child can scream. I’m sorry internet, your kid can ‘cry’ and ‘get upset’ and probably raise his or her ‘cry’ to a level that you think would shatter glass…but this kid…SCREAMS BLOODY MURDER. […]