I didn’t plan on the deconstruction of my beliefs, disassembly of my family and the having the front row seat watching my own life twist around all of it…but here I am.
Somewhere I watched a video where the person talked about the only control we have is that of our own emotions. Anger doesn’t happen to you, you allow it in and project it.
As an Aries, GenX and with a big personality when I get angry…it’s seismic.
In the last couple of years things have happened in my life to make me evaluate my relationship with my family.
My family are republicans. I am not. This has never been an issue because I always prided myself to be ‘an exception’ to the Democrat. I wasn’t a left. I believed in most of the things that Republicans did and I even voted for them from time to time. Then Boo Hoo Moneybags somehow landed in office and a massive chunk of the Republicans became Trumplicans and the ability to have any kind of intellectual conversation with them became impossible. Any conversation with my brother or dad would end up in either one of them yelling, “FAKE NEWS” or circling the conversation to Hillary’s emails or showing me a nasty picture of Nancy Pelosi. My ability to put up with the bullshit had worn thin after all their QAnon buddies and fellow assholes raided our nation’s capitol. Somehow they now put that on BLM. I can’t stand talking to either one because you can time your watch to the conversation being brought around to politics and I don’t want to have that conversation with either one. They are uninformed.
The final straw was when my brother said he wanted to slap me so hard so I could wake up and see the world for how it is. I told him that if his world involves physical violence threats against his sister, I didn’t want to be a part of it. He started to get loud and I told him would be best if we ended the phone call. I haven’t spoken to him since. My dad did say that “oh, he’s sorry.”, but I haven’t gotten a single call to hear it for myself. He’s not THAT sorry, now is he?
My dad blames politics for our falling out, but actually that is not why. I’ll go into that later.
He sent me a letter and in the first paragraph he spelt my daughter’s name wrong (she’s like 25 now…you would think he would know by now how to spell her name) and went into full melodramatics; Something I am having to dig into and figure out how that plays into my life.
I always prided myself on being a ‘daddy’s girl’ and now I am just realizing…I have daddy issues.
Next up on R & O…the letter.
I was laying in bed with all the dogs and I was looking at Murphy as he crept up from my waist to my chest with the most loving look on his face. I pulled him up and kissed his furry face.
The overwhelming urge to call my mother and say, “I am a dog person now. I get you on a whole ‘nutha level” damn near made my heart explode.
My mom has always been a dog lover. I liked dogs growing up, we had many dogs. My mom, on the other hand would get super emotional when they would get sick. She wouldn’t want to be gone too long “because the dogs would get lonely”. When they died, she was inconsolable.
This wasn’t the dog person I was and I never understood how she could treat them like they were my siblings. This is something I understand as an adult with her very own dogs now. Murphy and Duke are my dogs. I became a dog person one random day when I had Duke at my office and he looked up at me and I cried because I loved him so much. This spurred on the need for another dog. If one dog could bring me this much joy, two would make my whole life complete. OHHH, I was so right. Murphy is my world and I understand my mother on a level I wish she could understand.
She can’t though. She has Alzheimers and any conversation is met with a blank stare or an obligatory “thank you”. It makes me cry to think she was here not that long ago and I could talk to her about whatever I was experiencing and she had advise or would commiserate with me. Was she the best person to take problems too? Not really, she would compare her experiences and sometimes make it about her…a flaw that I found in myself and am working so hard to eradicate. She was my mom though and there was no one else I wanted to share with. The sound of her voice is something I didn’t think would crave. My sister called me the other day and she asked my mom a question and there was no response and I wanted more than anything to hear her yell down the hall, her beautiful laughter or just a quiet conversation. That’s not ever going to happen again and it breaks my heart. I miss my mom and I mourn the loss of her, even though she’s still alive.
Well hasn’t this year just been a peach?
The Bad: Everything that comes out of Trump’s nasty ass mouth. Losing my friend, Lisa to cancer. Ruth Bader Ginsburg passing and leaving a MASSIVE hole in the Supreme Court. Fear of what is going to happen to this country in the next few months. Anxiety coming back with a vengeance. Missing my trip to Italy. Trump Virus that has taken 200,000 human lives.
The Good: I bought my truck. My relationship with my dad improving. Finding my half sister. Shea getting her van. Alyx getting her promotion. Kara and I learning how to communicate. I took up gardening. My BFF moved to San Diego (which falls in the ‘bad’, but I can’t put it there because what has come from it has been beautiful to watch). My other BFF is becoming a Dad again. Monty Don’s gardening shows. I don’t have the Rona…yet.
There really is a lot that won’t ever fit into a blog post. I’ve been struggling a lot lately. This is a shit show of time in the world and I am trying to figure out how to look to the future without having an attack that shuts me down completely. Not understanding how friends and family can support such vile leaders has me baffled.
I’ve pushed away people that continue to make excuses for his behavior. The closer we get to election, the more I have seen from people that I have spent years looking up to that makes me absolutely sick that I wasted any amount of time and effort into a relationship. Not that they will even notice my absence since they never call or check in. They can spend there time supporting 17 year old children that kill supporters of BLM. When a 17 year old kids kills one of their nieces at a BLM peaceful protest maybe they will understand how his hate speeches has been the driving force behind it. Maybe them calling him a patriotic hero won’t taste so good in their mouths.
So this is the color scheme that Bruce and I have decided on for the 1965 Dodge van, except the white is more of a cream color.
The rims have been powder blasted and the Croker tires just rolled through the door. I am so excited to finally start pulling those cars out of storage and getting them the way he has always wanted them to be.
My dad and brother came down yesterday to pick up his truck (mine will need to be towed due to my brother freaking out that my dad was driving it that far and it died during a rainstorm). I was able to give them the tour of the shops and the killer old cars we have. My brother loves the 1939. That’s MINE, he can’t have it! :)
It got us to talking about all the old cars we have had and sold.
He called me when he got home and we talked for like an hour on the phone. It was nice sharing a part of my life that I am so very proud of.
My truck was suppose to be here on Friday of last week when my Dad came to pick up his, he would drop mine off. The stupid a/c hose blew and now he won’t he here until next weekend.
I called the dealer to find out when the hoses would be here…OVER A WEEK!
My poor dad is having to drive my truck with jacked up brakes until he gets here to get his truck.
The funny part, they consider my dad’s 2004 Dakota a “vintage” and that’s why it’s taking so long. I ordered all the parts for my 1967 and they were here the next day.
Since traveling is off the table at this time, I decided to do some interviews with people I know that have traveled to some pretty cool places, took inspiring pictures and have a story to tell.
My first interview is with a friend of mine who moved to Russia. MOVED TO FUCKING RUSSIA! Who does that? Adventurists do. People not afraid of not knowing the language, but want to fall in love with the culture.
I’m also interviewing a friend who moved to Germany for a bit and i’m sure he has some cool stuff to talk about.
Interested in being interviewed? Email at randomandodd at gmail dot com.
I’ve been stalking a camera lens for over a year now. I keep telling myself, “When I get 800.00 bucks I am going to buy that lens!”
Then I save up the money and I put in the travel fund and promise myself that when I make my last trip payment THEN i’ll buy that lens!
It’s a ‘walk around lens’ which means it has range so I don’t have to carry multiple lenses. As it is now, I carry my 35mm and my 90mm. Both are 1.8 or 2.8 so I never have to worry about handing over quality and light. I just want something that has all the stuff my fixed lenses have with only needing one lens. It’s really asking for a lot with a cheap lens (the other 2 I have) to preform like a expensive one.
I have to just stop promising myself that I will buy it and just do it. I keep thinking about selling my drone, but the minute I do I know I will all the sudden need a drone. $1000.00 for that damn thing, I am going to master it! it’s been 3 years, I think it’s finally time.
So, stimulus checks got deposited and I bought a truck. It needs stuff, I’ll buy those things for my new truck. CRAP, i’m never getting that lens!
I have been talking about getting a truck, but honestly I thought I was holding out for the 97 Toyota Tacoma Prerunner.
In a text with my dad he mentioned that his buddy had one for sell and it had 38k original miles on it…and it had a stick shift. There was NO WAY I was going to buy it without my bosses thumbs up. I told him and he said, “That’s stealing that truck. Buy it.” So I did. I’m now the extremely proud owner of the same truck as the one I owned when I was 16.
This was the truck that I learned how to drive in. We named it “Tank” because when I started it, you could hear it all the way back at my best friend’s house. Tank didn’t have a radio so I used my old ghetto blaster that had ONE tape. I would start it up and blast “Should I stay or should go now!?” and “Rock the Casaba” and found every back road my old hometown had.
This last weekend I drove all the way home to check it out and give it a test drive. My dad and his buddy were talking- talking- talking so I finally just got in and fired him up. Chuck isn’t as loud as Tank was, but it had that same rumble. The stick shift part was a bit to get use to, I only stalled it once and that was because I was not use to going from a dead stop to driving starting in 2nd gear. The choke too. Good lord so much to remember. It was like shifting a garbage truck! I got him going, mastered the shifting and then we had to stop. My poor dad damn near went through the windshield.
I felt horrible and humiliated because it has been a lifetime since I drove a vehicle without power brakes.
He told me that he would drive my new truck down to Sacramento and I would drive his down and get his A/C fixed.
The anxiety attack I had almost dropped me to my knees. I had so many thoughts running through my head about making a huge mistake.
The next day he called me and said he drove my truck and had to stand on the brakes to get them to work. It wasn’t me being a sissy-la-la, the brake calipers are frozen!
I have very little mechanical to do to my new truck and I get to focus on getting it just the way I want. It needs a new floor board, head liner and a paint job. I’m going with green and cream. It’s also going to get the power steering, power brake conversion and an A/C that will freeze you out.
I want to get an old 8 track to fill the spot where a stereo goes. Yeah, i’m that girl.
I’m that girl, the EXTREMELY proud driver of a 1967 Ford Pick up!
I love you Sister.
Last weekend I managed to get a few of the historical markers shots. On my Instagram highlights I have been adding them.
In the past few years when I see one of the historical markers I will get a photo, but with this virus out I have decided to spend my weekends in the car trying to add a few more to my collection.
Dan and I went out to Amador county to get some photos of the California poppies all over the hillside. The sun was only half out so they were only half open which meant it was only half as beautiful as it could have been. The poor guy got suckered into checking out all the markers with me. Honestly I don’t think he really cared much as everyone has been bored at home and it was nice to talk to someone….and I can drown out what he’s saying anyway ;)
This weekend is another round of searching for historical markers!
If you’re interested in visiting some historical spots near you in California: https://ohp.parks.ca.gov/?page_id=21387