{"id":3864,"date":"2023-10-10T08:12:34","date_gmt":"2023-10-10T15:12:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/?p=3864"},"modified":"2023-10-10T08:18:05","modified_gmt":"2023-10-10T15:18:05","slug":"3864","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/?p=3864","title":{"rendered":"i probably deserved it."},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I had sat down this morning to purge the demons I have inside right now, but my friend asked me how I was doing.
\nI’m doing okay, but not doing okay.\u00a0 If anyone would understand that, it’s her. I explained that current me is okay, but past me is destroyed and I need to just pivot.\u00a0 I need to shove it down and move on.\u00a0 My therapist thought this was a shit idea and I needed to explore it deeper.
\nShe said that writing it down would be good and that way I could explore the space it is in and…well honestly I just thought about ‘writing it down’.\u00a0 FUCK TO THE NO am I going to write down that level of hurt onto something for the world to see….unless….it’s in a book.
\nMy brain started pulling together the character that would house all these things I have inside of me.
\nWhen I was halfway through the character building I stepped back and looked at her, “For fuck sake…there is no happy ending for this girl, she’s going to be a supporting character in a future book I work on.
\nAND THEN I realized how writing it down and sitting in the space helped.
\nThat supporting character is me. I believe I am not worthy of a happy ending and I will manage to put her in a book I will write sometime when I’m done with the one I am working on, maybe…if I even remember her in the piles of character builds I have saved.<\/p>\n

When someone hurts you, it’s not their responsibility to fix it.\u00a0 I don’t need someone to say, “oh I am sorry, I was wrong….I know that that now.”\u00a0 I need to … I don’t know.\u00a0 \u00a0 I don’t know what to do.\u00a0 \u00a0Change the character build and make her strong?\u00a0 Fuck, she’s already strong, what more can I do to fix her?<\/p>\n

*sigh* I gotta go to work.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I had sat down this morning to purge the demons I have inside right now, but my friend asked me how I was doing. I’m doing okay, but not doing okay.\u00a0 If anyone would understand that, it’s her. I explained that current me is okay, but past me is destroyed and I need to just…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3864","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-random"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3864","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3864"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3864\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3867,"href":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3864\/revisions\/3867"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3864"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3864"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3864"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}