I knew that at the beginning of the month that I needed to get a tree and the lights up because this year is going to be FUUUUUCKED when it comes to my mental health.\u00a0 \u00a0 Well we drug our feet and it’s now the 15th and my desire to find the motivation to do it is non existent.
\nI was driving to work and I was numb, blank, no good or bad feelings.\u00a0 Thing is, it beats the hurt I have been sitting with since my mom died.\u00a0 \u00a0 The hurt is like having a foot on my throat, struggling to swallow or breath. My skin itches with every wave of hurt that crashes in.\u00a0 \u00a0There was a point that it felt like my heart was flipping around in my chest.\u00a0 \u00a0My brain is screaming for me to RAGE against this pain.\u00a0 There is no way that I have been through all that I have been through in this life, seen the things I have walked into and survived to have death bring me to my knees again.\u00a0 Death is something that is going to happen to all of us, it shouldn’t cripple me.\u00a0 Yet…here I am. Crippled by hurt.
\nI turned to the written word to jumpstart an emotion.\u00a0 77 books later and not a change. I’ve read some incredible books and was introduced to many new authors, but nothing that could evoke the emotions and feelings that I’m sure the author was trying to convey.\u00a0 \u00a0Booktok keeps saying, “If you want to feel all the feels, want your heart ripped out, want to be destroyed by a book…read this one.”\u00a0 \u00a0I read it, I read the book that follows it…nothing.\u00a0 \u00a0I’ve hit every damn level on the spectrum.\u00a0 I went from the sweet holiday rom-com to the dark side.\u00a0 There’s a downfall to going to the darker side of reading, it’s hard to come back and read anything else.\u00a0 \u00a0I’ve reached my max on how many books I can checkout from the 3 library apps I am on so I signed up for Kindle Unlimited because stopping the reading is just going to push me somewhere else and I never know where that ‘somewhere’ will toss me.
\nThere are the benefits of being the person I am, I have learned the art of masking a million years ago and to the outside world, I am doing fantastic.\u00a0 That is what I tell them when they do ask.\u00a0 Telling someone, “I am so fucked up that I am SHOCKED that I am functional.” just scares people.\u00a0 In the beginning of this hurt I was honest and I would tell people that I was not okay and that I was going to need help.\u00a0 There was no way I was going to be able to keep moving and take the steps to get the help that I need.\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Guess what happened? I didn’t get that help that I needed.\u00a0 People don’t know how to help people like me.\u00a0 \u00a0So now, I look back at that plea for help and I just shake my head.\u00a0 Fuck it.\u00a0 I can live in this plane of existence.\u00a0 I’m good at not feeling.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I knew that at the beginning of the month that I needed to get a tree and the lights up because this year is going to be FUUUUUCKED when it comes to my mental health.\u00a0 \u00a0 Well we drug our feet and it’s now the 15th and my desire to find the motivation to do it is non existent. I was driving to work and I was numb, blank, no good or bad feelings.\u00a0 Thing is, it beats the hurt I have been sitting with since my mom died.\u00a0 \u00a0 The hurt is like having a foot on my throat, struggling to swallow or breath. My skin itches with every wave of hurt that crashes in.\u00a0 \u00a0There was a point that it felt like my heart was flipping around in my chest.\u00a0 \u00a0My brain is screaming for me to RAGE against this pain.\u00a0 There is no way that I have been through all that I have been through in this life, seen the things I have walked into and survived to have death bring me to my knees again.\u00a0 Death is something that is going to happen to all of us, it shouldn’t cripple me.\u00a0 Yet…here I am. Crippled by hurt. I turned to the written word to jumpstart an emotion.\u00a0 77 books later and not a change. I’ve read some incredible books and was introduced to many new authors, but nothing that could evoke the emotions and feelings that I’m sure the author was trying to convey.\u00a0 \u00a0Booktok keeps saying, “If you want to feel all the feels, want your heart ripped out, want to be destroyed by a book…read this one.”\u00a0 \u00a0I read it, I read the book that follows it…nothing.\u00a0 \u00a0I’ve hit every damn level on the spectrum.\u00a0 I went from the sweet holiday rom-com to the dark side.\u00a0 There’s a downfall to going to the darker side of reading, it’s hard to come back and read anything else.\u00a0 \u00a0I’ve reached my max on how many books I can checkout from the 3 library apps I am on so I signed up for Kindle Unlimited because stopping the reading is just going to push me somewhere else and I never know where that ‘somewhere’ will toss me. There are the benefits of being the person I am, I have learned the art of masking a million years ago and to the outside world, I am doing fantastic.\u00a0 That is what I tell them when they do ask.\u00a0 Telling someone, “I am so fucked up that I am SHOCKED that I am functional.” just scares people.\u00a0 In the beginning of this hurt I was honest and I would tell people that I was not okay and that I was going to need help.\u00a0 There was no way I was going to be able to keep moving and take the steps to get the help that I need.\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Guess what happened? I didn’t get that help that I needed.\u00a0 People don’t know how to help people like me.\u00a0 \u00a0So now, I look back at that plea for help and I just shake my head.\u00a0 Fuck it.\u00a0 I can live in this plane of existence.\u00a0 I’m good at not feeling.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3719","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-random"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3719","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3719"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3719\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3722,"href":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3719\/revisions\/3722"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3719"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3719"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3719"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}