{"id":210,"date":"2005-04-21T15:29:00","date_gmt":"2005-04-21T22:29:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/?p=210"},"modified":"2006-04-03T22:58:04","modified_gmt":"2006-04-04T05:58:04","slug":"111412278294485940","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/?p=210","title":{"rendered":"Sharing My Load: Part One"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"sharing<\/a><\/p>\n

This might be the hardest post to hit send on. I haven’t even typed the words that I wrote back in 1998, but just re-reading them hurts. I want to share this though. I’m probably opening up a door that should be left alone, but if it helps just one person, then me hitting the wall will make it worth it.<\/p>\n

Mom & Kathy: You might not want to read this. It’s at the core of me at the worst time in my life and I have come back from there and I am better person now, but it still hurts and you were there and this hurt you too…these are probably memories of a time you don’t want to relive.<\/p>\n

July 31, 1998<\/em>
\n
\nToday was just another day. I went to the bank and took some money out to pay the house payment from last month and this month, well, July that is. <\/em>
\n
\nI went to the doctor last week. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. I guess I had it coming having two children back to back.<\/em>
\nI knew from the beginning that something was wrong, but thought light of it. Now I am so deep I don’t feel an escape. Well, I do, but it is unacceptable. I feel like there is nothing left of me. I feel…no I don’t feel anything…I sense things. <\/em>
\nI sense things slipping through my fingers and I don’t care. I don’t care about anything. I have no pride, no feelings, no love, no hate…i’m so indifferent.<\/em>
\n
\nMy eyes are more open to things I have never ever thought of before, such as suicide. I never could understand how someone who was depressed could kill themselves, I would ask; “Didn’t they think about the people they would leave behind? Didn’t they care?” I now understand that with depression that you’re only allowed one emotion at a time and if your drawn so far into it, your only thought is escape and remorse has no place.<\/em>
\n
\nI often wonder how long I can last. I don’t know how long I can go on without ‘feeling’ things, seeing the future for what it might be and not caring enough to do something about it, to save what I have.<\/em>
\n
\nI heard this song on the radio and the line in it said, “You bleed just to know you’re alive.” I feel like that, like if I could just FEEL something that I could snap back. <\/em>
\nI laugh and cry, but it’s on such a weird level. I feel more anger & hurt, but mostly guilt and anger. The anger stems from anything that happens that ‘just isn’t fair’ and the guilt is because before I could have handled it, but now I just don’t care. I want to hide. The overwhelming need to hide scares me. I want to run, tuck myself in a ball and …die.<\/em>
\nI’m pretty sure that is it. <\/em>
\n
\nEveryday is a struggle. It’s amazing by the end of the day that I haven’t snapped. I wake up every morning and I think to myself, “Today is the day I won’t make it”…but I do and that fact alone pisses me off. <\/em>
\nGod I am so far gone. <\/em>
\n
\nI can see all this bad stuff happening and I can’t do anything to stop it. <\/em>
\nI see Dan and I slipping further and further apart. I know he can’t take much more of me neglecting “us”, but I can’t even think about that because I don’t want to give him what isn’t really there. Like when we talk, I want to say things, but my mouth won’t open. I just think them in my head and he just gets this blank stare. He has now just stopped talking to me. When I do talk I feel like I am a zombie who is just talking because I know he needs to hear my voice.<\/em><\/p>\n

This is all I can write today…I’ll finish it up later.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This might be the hardest post to hit send on. I haven’t even typed the words that I wrote back in 1998, but just re-reading them hurts. I want to share this though. I’m probably opening up a door that should be left alone, but if it helps just one person, then me hitting the wall will make it worth it. Mom & Kathy: You might not want to read this. It’s at the core of me at the worst time in my life and I have come back from there and I am better person now, but it still hurts and you were there and this hurt you too…these are probably memories of a time you don’t want to relive. July 31, 1998 Today was just another day. I went to the bank and took some money out to pay the house payment from last month and this month, well, July that is. I went to the doctor last week. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. I guess I had it coming having two children back to back. I knew from the beginning that something was wrong, but thought light of it. Now I am so deep I don’t feel an escape. Well, I do, but it is unacceptable. I feel like there is nothing left of me. I feel…no I don’t feel anything…I sense things. I sense things slipping through my fingers and I don’t care. I don’t care about anything. I have no pride, no feelings, no love, no hate…i’m so indifferent. My eyes are more open to things I have never ever thought of before, such as suicide. I never could understand how someone who was depressed could kill themselves, I would ask; “Didn’t they think about the people they would leave behind? Didn’t they care?” I now understand that with depression that you’re only allowed one emotion at a time and if your drawn so far into it, your only thought is escape and remorse has no place. I often wonder how long I can last. I don’t know how long I can go on without ‘feeling’ things, seeing the future for what it might be and not caring enough to do something about it, to save what I have. I heard this song on the radio and the line in it said, “You bleed just to know you’re alive.” I feel like that, like if I could just FEEL something that I could snap back. I laugh and cry, but it’s on such a weird level. I feel more anger & hurt, but mostly guilt and anger. The anger stems from anything that happens that ‘just isn’t fair’ and the guilt is because before I could have handled it, but now I just don’t care. I want to hide. The overwhelming need to hide scares me. I want to run, tuck myself in a ball and …die. I’m pretty sure that is it. Everyday is a struggle. It’s amazing by the end of the day that I haven’t snapped. I wake up every morning and I think to myself, “Today is the day I won’t make it”…but I do and that fact alone pisses me off. God I am so far gone. I can see all this bad stuff happening and I can’t do anything to stop it. I see Dan and I slipping further and further apart. I know he can’t take much more of me neglecting “us”, but I can’t even think about that because I don’t want to give him what isn’t really there. Like when we talk, I want to say things, but my mouth won’t open. I just think them in my head and he just gets this blank stare. He has now just stopped talking to me. When I do talk I feel like I am a zombie who is just talking because I know he needs to hear my voice. This is all I can write today…I’ll finish it up later.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-210","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-random"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/210","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=210"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/210\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=210"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=210"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/randomandodd.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=210"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}