Kara had a rerun of this show on and the main character said, “We make boundaries and we find out that they don’t keep people out, they keep us boxed in.”
I think the lesson I have forgotten that I held so dear to me is that this life of ours, it’s short. In the big picture of things, we are only here for a short time. Kara said, “In 90 something days…I’m going to be 18 years old.” It was another reminder of how quickly our time here is. It wasn’t that long ago that I was looking at her little baby fingers in the hospital and in awe of how delicate she was. Now those hands are creating beautiful things, driving a car and holding the hand of the man she loves. This life goes by so fast. What am I doing with each day of it?
Lately I haven’t been doing enough. This last week has been spent stressing about Alyx being so sick. There isn’t anything I can do to help her but watch her and make sure she’s breathing. It’s frustrating as hell.
In between stressing about Alyx, I have been stressing about Christmas.
Again…did I do enough? get enough? will the girls be happy or disappointed on Christmas morning?
I’ve also been reading the bible. It’s a hard task to break through the walls I have built up about organized religion. His word use to soothe me and give me hope. There will be a break through, I know there will be. Right now, I am trying to not question the words I am reading. The reminder that I need peace in this life is around me every day. I want happiness again and I have failed to find it on my own.
Patrick left for home to visit his family for the holidays. Kara is sad and I understand that feeling of void she has. The difference is she knows the man that loves her is coming home soon. Until then though, she looks like me. She’s just a shell of the woman she is when he’s around. She has a purpose when he’s near.
In a few days she will find her footing again and will find her smile again.
I’m still finding my footing, but I keep stumbling. My smiles and laughter will be back soon too.
That’s really all I want for Christmas. To laugh. To smile. To have hope that I can stop getting in my own way of happiness.
and a pair of jumper cables too.