Random and Odd

Home for the Holidays.

Kara had a rerun of this show on and the main character said, “We make boundaries and we find out that they don’t keep people out, they keep us boxed in.”

I think the lesson I have forgotten that I held so dear to me is that this life of ours, it’s short.  In the big picture of things, we are only here for a short time.  Kara said, “In 90 something days…I’m going to be 18 years old.”  It was another reminder of how quickly our time here is.  It wasn’t that long ago that I was looking at her little baby fingers in the hospital and in awe of how delicate she was.  Now those hands are creating beautiful things, driving a car and holding the hand of the man she loves.  This life goes by so fast.  What am I doing with each day of it?

Lately I haven’t been doing enough.  This last week has been spent stressing about Alyx being so sick.  There isn’t anything I can do to help her but watch her and make sure she’s breathing. It’s frustrating as hell.
In between stressing about Alyx, I have been stressing about Christmas.
Again…did I do enough? get enough? will the girls be happy or disappointed on Christmas morning?

I’ve also been reading the bible.  It’s a hard task to break through the walls I have built up about organized religion. His word use to soothe me and give me hope.  There will be a break through, I know there will be. Right now, I am trying to not question the words I am reading. The reminder that I need peace in this life is around me every day.  I want happiness again and I have failed to find it on my own.

Patrick left for home to visit his family for the holidays.  Kara is sad and I understand that feeling of void she has.  The difference is she knows the man that loves her is coming home soon.  Until then though, she looks like me. She’s just a shell of the woman she is when he’s around.  She has a purpose when he’s near.
In a few days she will find her footing again and will find her smile again.

I’m still finding my footing, but I keep stumbling.  My smiles and laughter will be back soon too.
That’s really all I want for Christmas. To laugh. To smile. To have hope that I can stop getting in my own way of happiness.

and a pair of jumper cables too.

I'm a lot of things, but mostly I'm just Random and Odd.


  • Linda/RV Vagabonds

    I have to say that the thing that worries me about your post is the statement that Kara is just a shell of herself while her boyfriend is gone and that she has a purpose when he’s near. It would be so much healthier if she was fine while he was gone and simply able to shine even more when he was around. I’m probably not saying that well but I hope you understand what I’m trying to say.

  • Kristine

    I understand, but I’m also glad that she loves him so much that when he’s not there, she is kind of lost for awhile.
    That is loving someone with all her heart and I would like to believe that I taught her that, but I think she’s smarter than me and learned it all on her own.

    She’s going to be great! She’s already finding her footing.

  • Tabitha Baland

    at the sake of sounding really obnoxious I am going on record to say some of us reaqlly know all too well how to be our best while alone, how to survive, how to fill our own personal voids. Or my personal favorite is Just know how much better you off knowing now rather than later. And all though there are truth to these nuggets for the most part the words mean less to us then BULLSHIT. Im sick and tired of getting hurt. Im tire of being the better person, of waking up alone (because I can and should be happy to breathe yet another day) theres honesty and truth in what has been said friend. Some days just plain suck! Some days hurt more then others. Today for me i one of those days as well. I know who I am and today it hurts like hell to be able to say that our loud is liberating so I thank you. And I sincerely mean no disrespect to anyone. I love you for sharing your soul. It sucks ass today…its okay say it loud and say it proud Sister! And then tomorrow is a brand new day :-)
    As for seeking Gods wisdom, mercy and grace well…it rarely comes overnight. It truly is a journey. Psalm 37:5 “Commit everythign you do to the Lord, trust him and He willhelp you.” Love ya mama

  • Kristine

    Yes. Today kind of sucks. Today sucks because the hurt I feel isn’t from missing what we had, but the fact that I am finally willing to let it all go and start again, with someone who isn’t afraid. Someone who is courageous, brave and open to love.
    I’m ready to put all that we had in the past, to not feel those jolts of love and move forward.
    I am ready for this brave man to fall asleep holding me and be there when I wake up. It’s not asking for much…and I am willing to give it all. I’m willing to hurt again…it can’t feel worse than the last time, right?