People come into our lives for a reason…at a certain time. I can usually figure out why they are there within a few weeks.
I often question why certain people move in and out of our lives. You think they will be there forever because the bond is so deep. Some people you think you will meet and never talk to again.
Recently I have had new people come in. How long they will be there is now a question that first comes to mind. I never was this cynical, but with the events in my life, when shaking hands I think, ‘Nice to meet you, how are you going to destroy my life?’.
I have let my guard down a few times in the past month to allow some really neat people in. One is a woman that I respect greatly. The amount of time we spend talking through IM is just stupid. She makes me laugh and I do the same. The conversations will get serious and then always lead back to something totally stupid and we laugh again. She asks me questions about the stuff that I have been through and she actually has asked me questions I have avoided asking myself.
The other people are a bi-product of skydiving. They came into my world and became my family. My Sky-Family.
Lastly I have allowed people I have pushed out of my life back in. I want to beg, “Please don’t break my heart again like you have done so many times before. I want to trust that what you say is true and right and you’re not going to turn on me. I don’t think I can handle looking like an idiot anymore.” — but with this friendship I have to allow that there will be the downs with the ups. When we talk, she speaks the truth.
There are many things I have wanted to tell people that have come and gone from my life for various reasons. The number one thing is, “I wish you would have told me this information BEFORE I married him!” — but the reality is I, without a doubt, wouldn’t have believe anyone when they told me he was anything less than a saint.
I sent a mean text the other night. I wish I could say I regret the text, but I don’t. Maybe it’s this new phase in the healing process. I’m past a lot of the stuff that happened. NOT past a bunch of other stuff. There are things I wanted to say that I have haven’t. Is this the place? Why the hell not.
You will never be a part of the ex-wives club. Why? because unlike us, we didn’t have any formal warning of what was to come. We were blindsided. We were lead to believe that the person we were allowing not only into our lives, but our children’s lives, was going to be real, true, honest and faithful. She believed it because she was the first. I believe it because I didn’t have any warning.
I’m going to make this short; He will, without a shadow of a doubt, do what he did her, do what he did to me….to you. You’re not special. You’re not anything that we weren’t. Because you were the other woman doesn’t give you the leg up or any special insite to how he thinks or feels…it certainly doesn’t give you a get out of jail free card.
Again, without a shadow of doubt…he will work his way into your kids lives, become the most loving father figure and you will think to yourself, ‘how did I get so lucky?’ . He will raise your children as if they are his own. You know this, because you’ve read my blog. You’ve seen the pictures, you’ve read his words to me and my children. You know he’s going to be the most awesome person, bestest friend you could ask for…you’re family will love him! His family will make you feel like you’re one of them.
Just let this be your warning…when he walks away, and he will…he is going to DESTROY your children. They are going to hurt like they have never hurt before. They are going to cry themselves to sleep at night. They are going to forget what it feels like to laugh. That will pass, but they will NEVER forget the feeling of never wanting to trust another human being again. They will never want YOU to trust again. When you feel like you’re ready to move on and find happiness, they will remind you of the pain you went through and when that doesn’t work they will break down and cry and say, “WE aren’t ready to allow anyone in our lives again!” and they will remind you through letters you find tucked away in corners of their room or in your dresser, letters to him, letters to God, letters asking WHY. You will be reminded by them through songs they play for you and look at you waiting for a reaction. They will remind you through stories of the places you have been together with him. You swear if you hear, “Remember that time when we all went…” one more time, you’ll wish you could just erase every single memory of him from your children’s lives just so they can have some peace.
This is the only warning you’ll get. When it happens…and it will…the pain your children are in will be nobody’s fault, but your own. If it were just you, I would say, “have fun…enjoy the ride…see you on the other side!” but since you have children…you should know, you’re not special and if you think this won’t happen to you and your babies, you’re more foolish than I ever thought possible.
These are the words I wish I would have been able to hear. Would I have listened? probably not…because he was the victim in a bad marriage. I could save him from all that sadness she had caused him. I could heal the wounds of his past and we would be a team, do this together, we would be the better parents together. With us together, our combined children would be better off.
Perhaps I drank the kool-aid, but I’m detoxing. Now if only I could find a way for my children to do the same.