journey,  The Fonz

At What Point?

My mother is doing good.  She didn’t have a stroke, but they were worried that she had.  They ran some tests and sent her home after she checked out fine.
It didn’t stop me from driving up there so I could run my fingers through her hair and cuddle with her.

Today we talked on the phone and she said, “I need to get better so we can do more stuff.”  I agreed. WE need to get better so we can get back to doing our ‘Mother, Daughter & Daughter’ things we use to do.

Awhile back
I had a conversation with my mom about ‘owning’ what belongs to us.  The choices that we make our ours and it doesn’t belong to anyone but us.  Be they good choices, we can say, “Hey, that was something I did. I own that.” or be it bad, we have to own up to and say, “Yeah, that was stupid. I own that. I am not going to blame that on anyone, but  me.”

It seems like I am always in this circle of ‘chasing my tail’.  I get one thing settled and then another one comes up and bites my ass.  The chasing of my tail starts again.

Today I sat back and divided out what belongs to me and what belongs to other people.  It’s astounding how much of my problems can be fixed with just a change of thought processes.  A simple, “That is mine. I own it.”

Shaun and I haven’t really been together THAT long. It’s taken a long time to realize that in order to make our lives what we want it to be, we need to be on the same page about everything.  When you’re involved with someone, you have to really sit back and say, “Alrighty, that is HIS…he owns that.” and sometimes where we have to say, “That’s OURS, and we need to fix it.”

Last year we decided that we are not only on the same page about certain things, but we were going to write the book on how things need to be in our lives.  I’ve screwed up 400 times in the process. He has screwed up at least 800 times in the process. At times we try to stab each other with the pens we are writing the book with.  Ultimately, we decided as husband and wife what we were going to do with the situations we had in front of us.   A united front.  Some people would love the idea, some people would hate it. It didn’t matter what anyone thought of it; not my family, nor his.  If you loved the idea, GREAT. If you didn’t like the idea, that was fine too…but respect that is a choice we made together.

When I talked to my mother about ‘owning’ the choices we had made in the past and make in the future, she was on board.  Since that conversation, she hasn’t brought up the bad things that happened to us.  I even have taken steps to repair a relationship that was strained with my father.
I don’t agree with some of the things that happened between my mom and dad.  It doesn’t mean that I can’t love them both.

They each have their mistakes. They each own those mistakes. They are not mine.  I am lucky enough to be the daughter of those two wonderful people.  They are smart enough to know that I am an adult and the problems that they have had with each other doesn’t belong to me.  The joy of being able to spend time with each of my parents and not have to hear the Bullshit about the other one;  it makes me realize…the choice I made is the right one.
My father knows if he at any time asked me to choose him over my mother, he would be minus a daughter.
My mother knows if she asked me to pick her over my father, she too would be minus a daughter.

Because of this, I know I have the love of both of my parents.

Thank you guys for respecting the choices that I have made.

I'm a lot of things, but mostly I'm just Random and Odd.

11 Comments

  • dashababy

    I’m first? That hasnt happened in a loooong time.
    I’m glad you came up even though i worried about you driving up here in panic mode.
    I wish you couldve stayed longer. I hope you dont get sick.
    Diana is in the hospital now with respiratory problems. She may have had the same bug mom has but it hit her different because of her weakened lungs. She is doing ok but will have to stay for a few days. What a weird week. Two moms in the hospital. Not good.
    I love you. xoxoxox

  • randomandodd

    I am SOOO sick. My throat is raw. I can’t stop coughing. The congestion is over the top.

    Give Diana my love and let her know I hope she feels better.

  • Kelly

    Kristine, I think you are finally on your way to being well (mentally speaking of course!) I know this year you have struggled with your anxiety, but this concept, this owing up and acknowleding that other stuff belongs to someone else (including mental baggage) is wonderful progress! Yay for you!

    I am so relieved your Mom is OK. She has been in my prayers, and I can just imagine you stroking her hair and giving her hugs.

    You are a wonderful person. I love this post because it is so real!

  • Strizz

    It is hard to own things and to move on. For a long time I couldn’t get over my past, mostly because it was easier to hold those deep dark grudges then just say OK what is done is done and what matters now is that I have the power to make my life what it is meant to be. The hard part still? Believing I can actually do it and wanting it bad enough to try. Love ya girl.

  • Michelle

    Deciding what we own as individuals and what we own as a couple is such a key thing. I don’t own my husband’s crappy childhood and I don’t have to pretend I like it, however I have chosen to be respectful because he has asked me to. Luckily they live in FL so I only have to “suck it up” once or twice a year. I don’t own that his sister never RSVPS for the holidays and he does not own that my mother likes to plan a month in advance. We work with what we have and attempt to control only what we can ourselves and our choices.

    This is also big for me with social situations and my friends. I am outgoing and friendly but I don’t necessarily like to engage in large group outings. I don’t even explain any more. My friends know this and if they give me any smack about it – I shrug my shoulders and say “oh well”.

    Good for you and thank you for giving me some thing to think about … “what does it really mean to “own” something?

  • Just a girl

    I agree with Strizz, it can be very hard to determine what you “own” and what should belong to someone else.

    I agree with Kelly that this is going to be a great start to your own mental happiness.

    Thanks,
    this is just what i needed to read today.

  • Twisted Biatch

    Deciding what you own and what you don’t is the first step and your post has made me realise that there are some things which I do not own and there are some things which belong to me. My best friend’s life is very much intertwined with me and there are some days when she says she knows me best. Even better than I know myself. There are certain decisions that she does not agree with and will go all out to convince me that I will fail and when I do, she will try to refrain from saying “I told you so”.

    You have made me realise that I own my decisions. Not my best friend.

    A big thank you to you.