ex,  Shaun

Ammmmmmaaazingggg Race. How lame you are.

I love falling asleep during interesting TV shows. It makes for bitchen dreams. Today I fell asleep while watching CNN. I had this dream I was a news reporter, going to New Orleans to check the damage. In the process of this helicopter ride, I fell in love with a brother that was convicted of murder, be he didn’t do it. What I couldn’t figure out was how New Orleans could have been flooded when it was really in the desert and had cliffs.

Never once did I say my dreams made sense, but damn are they interesting. They always feel so vivid. When I wake up I am happy because I went somewhere I have never been…or ever will be…unless they decide to relocate N.O. to Yosemite.

The other day during a late day nap I woke up for a split second to hear that Shaun and Marina were watching “The Amazing Race”. I fell back asleep hoping I wouldn’t incorporate that show into my dream…or maybe it was just a dream. I mean, come on…this whole Amazing Race thing was just a whim right?

Dan came over last night to fix some electrical problem that required a volt meter that I no longer own. He had to do some other stuff that would require turning off the power, which he didn’t because he finds joy in watching me freak out as he cuts live wires and rewires them. He jumps and pulls his hand back just to watch me pee myself.

“So the uh..Passport papers for Amazing Race look like they are going to be around 200 bucks.” He says as he holding two wires that look like they shouldn’t touch.
“Mmm. yeah.” I am just sounding interested so he will hurry up and finish the rewiring and I can again use my bathroom outlets again.
“You can do it two different ways…you can….FLASHLIGHT.” I lift the flashlight back up and switch my weight to another side. “You can go through the post office or there is this one place that can do it. It’s the same amount.”

I don’t want to hurt his feelings and say, “Yeah, cause THAT is going to happen.” and I don’t want him to stop that rewiring thing he’s doing so well and that will make blow drying my hair so much easier if I can use the bathroom mirror and not blow dry it in the hallway.

Tonight, out of the blue, Shaun says; “I watched “The Amazing Race”…Dan and I can so win that!” Then he goes on and on about what it takes and it basically comes down to being able to ‘take shortcuts’.
Well…I certainly have a track record for marrying men that are good at taking short cuts. Didn’t I just spend 15 minutes in the garage while Dan rewired LIVE wires because he was either too lazy to shut off the power or just to damn stubborn to do it?

After all the serious stuff he had to tell me about (including passports and how to apply) we started joking about how they would loose.
“It would be something really stupid too…”
“Yeah, it could be the numerous phone calls from your ex wives asking you stupid questions.”

He then jokingly mimicked Tabitha and I, “Shaun…for real? The Great Wall of China? Get your ass off the Great Wall of China, the F*&^ing Christmas Tree fell over again!”
“Dan, I am NOT taking care of your stupid cats. You better just take them with you!”

The sad thing is…that would be their downfall, Us.
Me calling Dan to ask him who the lead singer of Foghat was and Tabitha calling Shaun to tell him that there was no where to park at work.

There is a place for our Ex Husbands…It doesn’t involve flying to China. It involves making sure they have good cell phone reception and the ability to block out our voices as we rant or ask stupid questions.

I'm a lot of things, but mostly I'm just Random and Odd.

14 Comments

  • Melissa

    Are you really going on AR?????
    I. LOVE.That. Show!!! (I know, I know… I’m so lame LOL)! Details please :-)

  • traci

    Hey, they CAN get on Amazing Race and a passport only costs 92 bucks or something like that! Encourage them dearie, I wanna root for someone I ‘know’!!!

  • Jess

    I think its great Shaun and Dan applying for the amazing race together…just wanted to let you know that I truley enjoy reading your blog….the whole Get your ass off the Great Wall of China, the F*&^ing Christmas Tree fell over again!” freakin hilarious

    love you J

  • Danno

    Yep it’s true, we’re discussing going to the casting call this weekend for the Amazing Race. I agree with Shaun, every time I watch it and I see some sniveling wench that can’t milk a camel I say to myself.. “Yep, I could soo do that”.

    Of course the quandry has always been with who…. Kris and I? Nope, we’d end up in an argument about which way the map goes. “No Kris, N = North, W= West, E=East and S= South” While Kris is yelling, “NO, E means easy, S means straight… N means Never go this way and W means… Why would I go there”. Is it any wonder guys never need directions?

    Oh yeah Kris,,, one of the many perks to going on the amazing race….. “NO CELL PHONES” fix the tree yourself and feed the cats! lol And I never said the passports were 200 bones, I said they were 97 bucks if you went to the right place. Pay attention!

    So yeah, I came to the conclusion that Shaun is the only person in our screwed up conglomerated family that I could possibly stand to go on this “Game show” with. Besides I like the way he thinks some times. Having been married to Kris for 7 years (yeah Kris I know it wasn’t final till the 10th year) I know Shaun is ready for a break from you. lol
    Besides, I’m sure you haven’t told him all of your secrets, I think it would be a good quality visit. lol..

    (jk of course… you’re the best ex wife I’ve ever had…)

  • Kristie

    Hey Dan~

    I soooo hope you get on Amazing Race! I LOVE that show! and it would be awesome to watch you and Shaun. I’m just curious to what they would call you…you know, all the ‘couples’ have a name…’Goth’, ‘the blondes’, ‘dating’, ‘gay ministers’…what WILL they call this man couple? hmmmmmmmmmmmm….

    oh, Hi Kristine! *waving*

  • randomandodd

    Dan- I know how to read a map. I’m not the one with 2 different GPS systems in my car! lol.
    I just wish that people would catch on to the UP is North, Down is South. Left and Right are East and West.

    SECRETS? Nooooooo. I was watching that clip from the new show that hooks you up to a lie detector and asks you uncomfortable questions.
    I could do it in a heart beat. BRING IT ON.

    And seriously…you don’t want to tell Shaun too much. If he leaves me, you’re stuck with me bitching at you for the next 50 years.

    and I AM THE ONLY EX WIFE YOU’VE HAD!

    Do you see people? he is friggin’ nuts.

  • laura

    you are one of the most amazing women i know, and so funny. i literally laughed diet coke up my nose reading this…especially the great ex-wives downfall of the amazing race.

    i love & miss you.

    laura