• Random and Odd

    Fermare…again.

    To stop. I tried to meditate yesterday and I kept having anxiety bursts. I finally had to yell, STOP in my head to get it to stop.  The anxiety attacks have been creeping back in, but not as big as the one I had before a wedding I had to shoot.  In retrospect, I had a lot going on and I was suppressing a lot of things.  These are the little ones that happen before the massive one hits.  The jolts (not a full on anxiety attack…just a heart stopping jolt that usually kick starts a doozy) hit me from out of no where.  I had just finished a guided…

  • Random and Odd

      I’m back from Kaua’i. I spent the most of today just sleeping and trying to get my back feeling better.  I figured by now it would be better, but it’s not. That’s what I get for daring to take on the ocean. I’d like to say that I was healed and my heart is no longer broken, but it is.  In so many pieces that I don’t think it will ever go back to the way it was. Screaming is what I really want to do, but it’s pointless.  I keep thinking there is some sort of reason for all of this, but I don’t see it.  Why would…

  • Random and Odd

    Out with it!

    I haven’t really said much about all the stuff that went down with E and I because I have a saying, “It’s not my story to tell.”  and the things that lead up to where I am now still isn’t my story to tell, but the things that have happened is. I need to tell it because I don’t want to forget and 20 years from now thing, “Oh I wonder if I should give that crazy ass another chance.”  No. I don’t. It’s been hard on me, because I have loved him for a long time and he has loved me for even longer. To be loved by someone…

  • Random and Odd

    I keep waiting

      I threw out my back two days before leaving for Kauai.  I was hoping to use this time to get stronger and get over all the bullshit I have going on in my head, but I am spending the majority of the time learning how to sit down and stand up without crying in pain. Everything happens for a reason, this I know for certainty.  The saying always pisses me off because it means that I am in the process of learning something I don’t want to learn. I got a text and a phone call, most of which I don’t remember because I was highly medicated on pain…

  • Random and Odd

        Dreaming is a bitch. The other night I dreamt that everything was back to normal. We were laughing in my kitchen and I looked into his clear eyes and he said, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened, I wasn’t right in my head. I am sorry I hurt you and believed such wicked, horrible things.” I touched his face and smiled at him. I woke up crying because I knew that day would not come. If past truly does repeat itself then I will be at blame or all that went wrong this time around, just like when we were kids. Someone else will be to blame…

  • Random and Odd

    Throwing Rocks to Save My Life.

    I hit the trails today. We had planned a different hike, but when it was suggested we hike Knickerbocker Canyon, I agreed.  It was too soon to reclaim it, but a reminder was what I wanted.  I wanted to see us one more time…when things were beautiful and right with us. I wanted to remember you. On every hike I went on after I decided to give my heart back to the one person who never wanted to give it away in the first place, I would see a rock and pick it up.  I told him he was on every trail with me, in one way or another.  A…

  • Random and Odd

    Evergreen

    Have you ever thought about a certain day and how it can change your whole life?  What if you knew what that date was?  What if it was coming up? I’m faced with exactly that. I have a lot of changes coming up soon that I thought I wouldn’t be ready for, like Shea graduating from high school.  The reality is that I am ready. That day use to scare me because that would mean a sense of freedom I have not had in roughly 23 years.  My grand plan was that I was going to pack it up and move back to Redding and spend my last half of…

  • Random and Odd

    well that was dumb…

      Words are the most awesome things in the whole world.  Just a handful of letters in our alphabet and a everyone has a way of stringing them together to create stories, helpful advice, love letters or beautiful songs.  Sadly it goes both ways and words can be used to hurt.   See, there’s this thing.  I am ridiculed for the mistakes I have made in this life when it comes to love.  I have NEVER made the right choice and I have loved all the wrong people. Even the people that have been wonderful are subjects to the ‘mistakes mom has made.’ Alas, I will just silently walk out…

  • Random and Odd

        “When I first saw you, I saw love And the first time you touched me, I felt love And after all this time, You’re still the one I love Looks like we made it Look how far we’ve come my baby We mighta took the long way We knew we’d get there someday”   I spent the last weekend in the mud trail running with two of my best friends in the world.   Dan is my ex-husband (17 years) and Tabitha is my 2nd ex-husband’s first wife.    It sounds strange, but it works and I couldn’t be happier for that oddness. There is something about running…

  • Random and Odd

    Friday Nights

      It’s Friday morning and I was thinking how tonight I will come home and finish taking down my tree and preparing for the new year ahead of me. New years was amazing. One of the bests I can remember.  I had a great dinner with my mom, sister and brother in law.  When I got home I got to talk to my best friend from high school.  It was beyond words I can use to explain how incredibly special that conversation was to me.  “Missing” her just doesn’t cover it. When I heard her voice it was like a part of my soul filled up.   The first day…