I tried to meditate yesterday and I kept having anxiety bursts. I finally had to yell, STOP in my head to get it to stop. The anxiety attacks have been creeping back in, but not as big as the one I had before a wedding I had to shoot. In retrospect, I had a lot going on and I was suppressing a lot of things. These are the little ones that happen before the massive one hits. The jolts (not a full on anxiety attack…just a heart stopping jolt that usually kick starts a doozy) hit me from out of no where. I had just finished a guided meditation and I was doing the visualization exercise and all the sudden I thought about a few different scenarios that included people and I jolted.
The day after E left I had a few of them. I could hear him yelling at me or saying my name and it scared me. This one was just the thought of anyone in my apartment. This silence is golden and I after I got home from vacation that first day I was okay with silence then I missed the sound of people around me, but not here.
After what happened with E, there is a good chance that no one will be allowed in my apartment ever again. Yes, the girls…but I don’t want people in my space anymore. I feel violated by what happened here and I don’t think some sage is ever going to fix it. I have removed all markers of any sort that remind me of that short amount of time, but he’s still here in my head and I can hear him, I can see him…I can feel him here with me. Sometimes it’s the wonderful moments of watching him making something to eat and smiling over at me or just falling asleep. Sometimes it’s him pacing and glaring at me like I was a stranger to him.
I hate that I have both of those memories. I hate not knowing which one will win out at the end of the day. Today I woke up and I was feeling alright, but then I remembered a conversation I had with someone last night and I was sad again. Sad that I can’t express myself the way I want to as to explain something to him that will help him understand.
I DON’T KNOW EITHER! that’s all I have I guess.
I’m suppose to go hang out with my friend today, but I don’t think I will. I’m feeling out of sorts again.
I’m back from Kaua’i.
I spent the most of today just sleeping and trying to get my back feeling better. I figured by now it would be better, but it’s not. That’s what I get for daring to take on the ocean.
I’d like to say that I was healed and my heart is no longer broken, but it is. In so many pieces that I don’t think it will ever go back to the way it was.
Screaming is what I really want to do, but it’s pointless. I keep thinking there is some sort of reason for all of this, but I don’t see it. Why would the universe give him back to me only to have him taken away in such a fucked up way? I can understand if we got back together and we just couldn’t make it work. This is just cruel.
His mother said to me that we aren’t good for each other. I got so angry and hurt when I read that because we WERE good for each other. Between the two of us we had all the love in the world. Yes, the odds were stacked, but we loved each other so much that we were willing to figure out how to make it work. I love him. I love his family SO much. His mother made me feel like I was the best thing to happen to him and I thought I was. That is a great feeling too. She was amazing with all the love she has for her family and I wanted to be a part of it. We talked about our first holidays together an what we were going to do. Plans that now break my heart to even think about.
So now I pretend that I am going to be alright, but I’m not. I want to scream and cry and how unfuckingfair this whole thing is. Mental illness fucking sucks and it steals happiness. Mine, his, everyones. Why couldn’t he have gotten the help he needed before it was too late? before he fell so far down the rabbit hole?
It’s was easy for me shift blame on someone I thought was feeding him lies. It was easy because I didn’t want to believe that anything was REALLY wrong. The texts prove that he is in this alternate universe that I can’t reach him in. My love couldn’t convince him that he was wrong about all the things he is seeing and believing in his head.
At dinner the other night I was watching our waiter talk about the specials and I felt my heart break again because I thought, “he might be crazy and no one would ever know.” I don’t look at people the same anymore.
I have to get better soon. I hate not trusting people and hate not trusting myself. I have to let go of what I thought was going to be the reason I went through all the shit I did…and that I was FINALLY going to get all that I really wanted. That reality isn’t going to happen.
“Maybe your ‘happily ever after’ doesn’t include true love. maybe it’s you being happy and doing all the things you want to do.” I know it was said to make me feel better, but knowing that your one true love is battling this horrible demon in his head is breaking my heart. I am so angry at him and I know I can’t be angry because he loved me and if he was in his right mind he would NEVER do this to me. He wouldn’t want me to be hurting like I am. I know this to be true. I have a box of broken promises under my bed to prove it.
I haven’t really said much about all the stuff that went down with E and I because I have a saying, “It’s not my story to tell.” and the things that lead up to where I am now still isn’t my story to tell, but the things that have happened is. I need to tell it because I don’t want to forget and 20 years from now thing, “Oh I wonder if I should give that crazy ass another chance.” No. I don’t.
It’s been hard on me, because I have loved him for a long time and he has loved me for even longer. To be loved by someone like the way he loved me is intoxicating. You’re willing to just let all those red flags go.
Well, here it is. He is caught in some crazy mental loop where it started out that he thought I was cheating on him and then it turned into that he thought I was in p*rn. That turned into me owning my own p*rn site and as of this morning I am involved in some crazy p*rn ring that consists of me with school age kids and then it switched over to me involved in medical stuff. I have no idea where it will go next. Just when I think he can’t get any crazier, he finds new ways to prove me wrong. He is angry at me for making his mom think he’s crazy. Uh. No….he’s crazy.
He is convinced that the feds have information on me and my crazy ring of bandits and they are bringing me down…there is no way to hide all the p*rn I have been involved in. I had to screen shot the texts he was sending me. I can’t even believe that it’s him. It’s like some sick movie he’s caught in and can’t get out of. It’s heartbreaking because he has the biggest heart in the whole world and has this capacity for love that can’t be matched.
I’ve never loved anyone that has a mental instability. This isn’t a joking matter and it’s not funny, but if I don’t laugh at it, I will cry. Oh and I have cried.
So here I sit in one of the worlds most beautiful places and I am being sent texts telling me I am a horrible person that is involved in this crazy life and doing HORRIBLE things that I can’t even imagine really exists in this this world, but clearly it does because the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with has been NON STOP researching it and I am the ring leader in all of it. It’s like some sick movie.
Okay Karma…we are even. I get it, you win. For now on…single forever. No such thing as true love.
I threw out my back two days before leaving for Kauai. I was hoping to use this time to get stronger and get over all the bullshit I have going on in my head, but I am spending the majority of the time learning how to sit down and stand up without crying in pain.
Everything happens for a reason, this I know for certainty. The saying always pisses me off because it means that I am in the process of learning something I don’t want to learn.
I got a text and a phone call, most of which I don’t remember because I was highly medicated on pain killers, but the one thing I do remember is asking the one question that holds whatever future we might have and he didn’t want to answer it so I know that means that nothing really has changed.
I don’t want to be here and be sad. Yet here I am…sad. Sad because I was suppose to be holding his hand and walking along the beach. So far I have just sat there and looked out at the beach. Maybe tonight I will walk out there. I don’t know.
Dreaming is a bitch.
The other night I dreamt that everything was back to normal. We were laughing in my kitchen and I looked into his clear eyes and he said, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened, I wasn’t right in my head. I am sorry I hurt you and believed such wicked, horrible things.” I touched his face and smiled at him. I woke up crying because I knew that day would not come. If past truly does repeat itself then I will be at blame or all that went wrong this time around, just like when we were kids. Someone else will be to blame for his actions. I wish I could say, “I didn’t know what I was getting into.” but the reality is, I did. I just didn’t incorporate the mental breakdown he was going to have and how I went from being the person that brought him calmness to the person who was his trigger in such a short amount of time.
I know that I will never be able to be with the person I love because I cause him to lose his mind by just being who I am and the person he said he would love forever. Sometimes love isn’t enough I guess.
I woke up this morning angry. Since this all happened I have been sitting on the edge of anger. That comes with having to defend myself every time we spoke. This morning though I was angry because I had more dreams. This time I was yelling at him to listen to me, to believe me. He just stood there and mocked me. I don’t know what is better, the good dreams that make me sad and miss him or the dreams where I wake up angry and want to scream at how unfair this whole thing turned out. If I am being honest, I thing I would take the angry mornings because at least I am in touch with the reality of how it’s going to be….over. It’s unfair that his mind wasn’t strong enough. It’s unfair that I couldn’t be the one to spend the rest of my life with someone that would love me with all that he ever was and was going to be. It’s unfair that he made promises of a lifetime of cuddles, dinners, laughter, walks in the woods and fun adventures. It’s unfair that I got to see all that I ever wanted with the one person I wanted it all with and it got ripped away from me in such a cruel way.
Now I see all that I want. He showed me what kind of love I deserve. Maybe someday someone will walk into my life and be able to show me that again. It won’t be him though. It won’t be the one person that looked at me like I was his angel. He will never look at me like that again because his mind broke and he saw me as something so unlike me that there is no magic eraser to fix it.
A million little wishes float across the sky
But it’s a waste of breath and a waste of time, I know
Cause just like him, you always leave me crying
Now I prepare for Hawaii where hopefully I recover from this disaster.
I hit the trails today.
We had planned a different hike, but when it was suggested we hike Knickerbocker Canyon, I agreed. It was too soon to reclaim it, but a reminder was what I wanted. I wanted to see us one more time…when things were beautiful and right with us. I wanted to remember you.
On every hike I went on after I decided to give my heart back to the one person who never wanted to give it away in the first place, I would see a rock and pick it up. I told him he was on every trail with me, in one way or another. A large collection of rocks are stacked on my counter by the sink.
” see all the trails i took you on?” I asked him, then I would lean into his neck and steal a kiss.
The trail today started off rough. Rocks were flashing before me saying, “I’m here.” and I would refrain from picking them up and holding them close to my heart, “I know you are. I know you are here with me.”
I reached a point in the trail that overlooks the calm river below and my heart ached. I remembered. I remembered as I looked over at him on that very first time i brought him there. “this is my favorite part of the trails.” I smiled at finally being able to show him. “ask me.” and he smiled at me knowing what I wanted to hear, “will you marry me, Weezie?” “Absolutely!”
I remembered that moment because his hand was in mine as he fiddled with the ring that was a promise of a lifetime of proposals until the day he would make me his bride and possibly everyday after that.
I pushed past the memories and took on some hills, begging for a moment of peace in my head. I began talking to myself, “There are two important times in life. The moment you realize that all the shit you went through in your life led that you to the place you are so you can appreciate the person you had become and the person you were with. The other time is when you realize all the the shit in your life that happened led you to the place where you have to use that knowledge to make the right choice to save your life.”
I was out there today to save my life. I had a destination…the river. I was going to dive into the river and wash myself clean and find my footing.
The water was freezing, but the breeze was still warm and I plunged in and came up gasping. My foot rested on a rock and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t find the balance to remain standing on it.
“find your footing, Kristine.” I whispered to myself. I dropped my heel down and just like that I was no longer floundering. I was standing effortlessly. “Stare ahead and focus on something on the horizon.” I rested there with complete focus for what seemed like forever and then I felt myself falling backwards into the water, “TRUST FALL” I yelled out and went under.
The climb back out of the canyon proved to be hotter than I anticipated, but a million small steps got me through. I was too overheated to think about my heartbreak or feel his hand still in mine as he smiled at me, “Weezie, you’re the worst hiker EVER.” played on the hot breeze that would occasionally creep through the canyon walls.
My determination to get through this hike blocked out sounds and memories until the final stretch.
I climbed out of the canyon and I saw us sitting there from months before. “go on without me.” i begged him and we laughed so hard we both were crying. There we were, that memory so vivid.
I kept walking and put my head down. Sadness washed over me. We would never have a moment like that ever again. We would no longer be making new memories.
I kept my head down and watched my feet as they kept moving. I begged God to make it better, to make this pain stop and that is when I saw the broken beer bottles on the trail and I had a flash of sound of bottles hitting the bottom of my trash can. I heard the words he yelled at me. I heard myself begging for silence. “Do not respond.” I repeated over and over. I saw the face of mental illness and how it was destroying all that we had spent a life time building.
With only a short amount of time left to clear my head I said out loud, “I AM HERE! I AM NOT THERE!”
I crested the canyon alone. no one pulling me up. his hand not in mine anymore.
It will take a long time to be able to hike that trail and not see him next to me, hearing our laugher echo through the canyons.
Someday I will reclaim that trail.
Today was not that day.
Have you ever thought about a certain day and how it can change your whole life? What if you knew what that date was? What if it was coming up?
I’m faced with exactly that. I have a lot of changes coming up soon that I thought I wouldn’t be ready for, like Shea graduating from high school. The reality is that I am ready. That day use to scare me because that would mean a sense of freedom I have not had in roughly 23 years. My grand plan was that I was going to pack it up and move back to Redding and spend my last half of my life with my sister. Like a nimrod I didn’t exactly financially plan for it though. When I met my second husband I was certain that we would build a life here and watch the girls grow up and live happily ever after. Fairytale endings don’t seem to work out for me though. Or maybe they do. We shall see.
I was on a trail run with my crew last weekend and mid run I stopped. “I know the date that my whole life is going to change and things will never be the same. It won’t be the same as it is today. I’m going to change and things are going to be different.”
It was scary and thrilling at the same time. As that day draws closer I want to better prepare myself for it and that means living authentically. Last night something threw itself in my path and I approached it as honestly as I could. Walking around the situation with fresh eyes and seeing it for what it was. A test. This was a test to see if I could handle this new change. Stepping back from it, but being honest with my feelings for it I examined it. Was it going to bring me happiness? No. Was it going to make me love myself more? Absolutely not. Not needing to examine it further I decided to let the other person see it for what it was as well. When one is not living authentically they grow angry at examination and that is exactly what happened.
I believe I have heard the last of it and the test was passed. I’m glad it happened now and not after the upcoming date of change. I was able to live in that moment and deal with it the best way that I could.
I’m excited for change. This is new for me. The unexpected has always frightened me, but for once I am ready with open arms.
Words are the most awesome things in the whole world. Just a handful of letters in our alphabet and a everyone has a way of stringing them together to create stories, helpful advice, love letters or beautiful songs. Sadly it goes both ways and words can be used to hurt.
See, there’s this thing. I am ridiculed for the mistakes I have made in this life when it comes to love. I have NEVER made the right choice and I have loved all the wrong people. Even the people that have been wonderful are subjects to the ‘mistakes mom has made.’
Alas, I will just silently walk out of the dating ring and hopefully after a million years go by my children will have forgotten my mistakes and only remember that I did once love, even if they weren’t the people they thought I should.
“When I first saw you, I saw love
And the first time you touched me, I felt love
And after all this time,
You’re still the one I love
Looks like we made it
Look how far we’ve come my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we’d get there someday”
I spent the last weekend in the mud trail running with two of my best friends in the world. Dan is my ex-husband (17 years) and Tabitha is my 2nd ex-husband’s first wife. It sounds strange, but it works and I couldn’t be happier for that oddness.
There is something about running and hiking with people, you have to be honest with them and they have to be with you. It’s a trust thing that you build. This weekend I let Tabitha know that I am ready to open up to letting someone in my life again. That’s a HUGE thing for me because there are days when I don’t think I can do it again, but some days when I am not lonely (because I have learned the difference between ‘lonely and alone’…but alone and I think that I want to let someone in.
It’s Friday morning and I was thinking how tonight I will come home and finish taking down my tree and preparing for the new year ahead of me.
New years was amazing. One of the bests I can remember. I had a great dinner with my mom, sister and brother in law. When I got home I got to talk to my best friend from high school. It was beyond words I can use to explain how incredibly special that conversation was to me. “Missing” her just doesn’t cover it. When I heard her voice it was like a part of my soul filled up. The first day of the year I got to see her. What a wonderful way to start of the new year. The next day I got to hang out with my other friend, Bo from high school. High school for me was in the 1980’s so it’s a great feeling to ‘remember’.
The friendships I had back then were like (what I would guess) people that go through boot camp with and then end up at war, fighting side by side. The stories we have are hysterical and heartbreaking. Putting our stories together and filling in the holes of our memories.
The whole, ‘not giving a shit what people think’ is still stirring around in my brain. This life, the short grain of sand in the big scheme of things is tugging at me. I’m ready to not give a shit anymore and just live this bitch until the wheels fall off.
Sometimes when I start getting too much in my head, I think, “Who fucking cares?” and then I think about the shit that people will talk if I decided to live my life like I really want to…and that kills the dream, BUT THEN this voice pops into my head. It’s Tabitha and she’s saying, “Go away, you are nobody.” EXACTLY, all those people that will have my name on their lips, talking their shit are nobody. In the BIG PICTURE of this life I really only care what my sister thinks about me. She is my compass and she points me in the right direction. My girls…well, lets be honest…they know that their mom is different, lives by the rules, but is constantly finding ways to break them. They understand I am not like other moms. I love differently.
So yeah. Who gives a shit if I decide to just pack it all in and just live this life until it’s over?