The cell phone rang and when I checked who it was. My heart sunk….”Daddy Calling”. This can’t be good. He doesn’t call very often and when he does it’s not always the best news. At my parent’s age, I get a jolt of fear anytime one of my siblings that live close to them calls me. It’s not until I hear the tone of the “Hey sis…” do I finally breath.
I answered the phone, “Hey Daddy!” …and I waited for his tone, which is always kind of hard to read anyway.
“Why hello! I haven’t talked to you in a coon’s age!” I could breath again.
He spent the next 30 minutes telling me about his new motorcycle (he’s in 70’s) and all the trips he has gone on. He sent me pictures and as painful as it is to see him age, he’s doing it with flare. He then told me that he has a trip planned in 2016 to Bryce Canyon, UT. With a squeal of delight I invited myself and told him that if he didn’t let me go with him that I would write him out of my will. He agreed to let me ‘tag along’ on his adventure and he would put the side car on the old motorcycle and let me ride with him. Without hesitation I said, “Or I can catch a flight out there and meet you there.” INSTANTLY I wanted to suck the words back into my mouth and out of existence. My thought was, ‘damn, that’s a long time to be shoved into a side car and i’m kinda old for that kind of…oh shit.’
“Naw, Kristine….it will be fun.”
“Yeah Daddy…it will be an adventure.” I need to lose weight before we go because he may be in his 70’s, but I got a few lbs on that old man and I hurt at a younger level.
I have been stalking Bryce Canyon for about a year now and if you follow my Pintrest board of hikes or places I want to see, you’ll see that is top of the list.
This might be my last adventure with my daddy, so I have sworn to call more often and make this one to remember. I have my tent. Now for all the other goodies!
I will be out of town for the last two Mindful classes, this makes me sad because I have come so far and I wanted to finish it off with the group I started with, but decided that I am going to take the class again. There is just so much more to learn.
There are some classes in San Francisco that I want to attend. I can tell that they are working, it’s just one of the hardest things I have had to do. Skydiving is easier than successfully meditating.
This Saturday I spent a quiet day at home. The smoke was too thick to go hiking and I really enjoyed my quiet apartment. At the end of the day a friend asked how I was doing and I evaluated my state of mind. I said I usually enjoy my alone time, but by the end of the day of solitude I actually felt ‘alone’ and ‘lonely’. I was longing for human contact and I rejoiced in that emotion because that is one of those things I have been working on. Being on medication for anxiety makes me want to climb under a rock and growl at anyone that comes near me. I decided that Sunday I would spend some time with the brats and get some stuff done. Being mindful that I NEEDED that contact with people.
Today is Monday and short week for me. I will soon get to spend some quality time with my family. That’s my favorite medicine.
Pathetic. I know.
So I have been tracking my food on my fitness pal app and I started to really see what I was eating. I reversed that type of eating and I went too far.
I started with a protein shake for breakfast, a salad for lunch and something low carb for dinner.
I was averaging about 1700 calories a day.
After a month I started getting lazy and went to 2 shakes a day. Now with the break up…i’m at 3 a day and nothing else. I swear to GOD, I want to eat…I even tried to eat breakfast this morning and it tasted SO sugary. When did sausage start tasting like a spoonful of sugar?
I’m at 500 calories a day and it’s just stupid. I know this and I hate it.
Food just doesn’t taste good.
Ugh. I will get through this.
Years ago I went through a stint of watching a television show called “Hoarders”. I was in a unhappy relationship where I felt I was giving my all and not getting the same love in return. On this one episode it was of a very large woman living in a small home packed with things that gave her comfort. Her collections of stuffed animals and other knick nacks. The home was nearly impossible to navigate through and the kitchen was packed with so many things that the only thing that would work to make food, that could be accessed, was the toaster oven.
In this episode they interviewed the boyfriend of this woman. He was a good looking man, had a home that was clutter free, but he spent his time with her, struggling to get through the madness of her home so he could heat her up some food or just spend time with her. They asked him why he put up with it, he said…”Because I love her.”
While watching this episode I was shaking my head and saying to myself, “Why are you doing this, you idiot? This is YOUR one life you get and you’re wasting it on someone who is clearly sick. You could be doing so much and you’re here in this FILTH of an existence. Get away from the sickness and maybe you’ll see how she’s dragging you down into her pit of hell!”
Then he said he loved her and I was all, “Oh for the love of Christ. I am healthy, of fairly good looks, I am talented and loving and I DON’T LIVE IN FILTH!…why can’t someone love me like that?”
A few years later I was given that kind of love and I couldn’t believe I could be so lucky. Someone truly loved me.
On a photo shoot in L.A. I had a meltdown of sorts. I had been battling my 19 year anxiety disorder and had it mostly under control when all the sudden the anxiety turned into a depression I had not experienced for a very long time. I hid it until I got home and then and then I was unable to cope with any situation from everyday life. Everything was, “just too much. i can’t. i just can’t keep doing this.” The simplest of tasks made me so fearful that I would lock up and lay down, waiting for the nausea and hammering heart to subside. It felt like it never quite did.
It was soon after that I knew that I had to get on medication, talk to someone and hopefully get some kind of handle on what was going on with me.
I was working on the first month of medication when I started to slowly feel a shift, but that first month was trial and error of trying to get a handle on what time to take each medication so I wouldn’t wake up a zombie the next day. I was informed I should take it at bedtime. For someone who has insomnia I had to guess as to what time normal people went to sleep and I took it at 10pm. Zombie. The two weeks was trying to pinpoint the exact time to take it. Of course, by the time I figured it out, my body was use to the medication and I was constantly altering the time. It was a struggle with just that one aspect of the medication, the next came when I realized I had absolutely no interest in spending time with anyone, talking to anyone, I became very disconnected. I have interest and hobbies. I love to hike and take photos. The thought of leaving my house was so overwhelming that I didn’t do any of these things unless I was forced.
Work was a daily challenge. On a day to day basis I am unsure as to what kind of day I am walking into. It was my job to be certain that everyone always stayed calmed and if they didn’t, I did, so I could lead them through the chaos until it was over. All the while with a fake smile answering the phones and dealing with customers. By the time I got home through traffic I was mentally and physically exhausted. Yes, I was making it through the day without the thought of hoping my next breath was my last…but just to function. If I could get through the day without mentally shutting down it was a success and that is really all I was doing. A zombie with a smile.
This brings me back around to the episode of “Hoarders” where I was pissed at the guy for sticking around through her sickness. His one life.
This wonderful person I was blessed with, he spent countless days trying to find what it would take for me to be the happy person he was with when we got together. Bending over backwards to make me genuinely smile. The thing is, there was nothing I could do that could bring her back unless I went off the medication and got it out of my system. If I did that I risked being back in the dark place I was two months ago. Scared I wasn’t going to see my daughter graduate or the day they got married.
He would have stayed. He would have spent as long as it took for me to get back to the fun girl who tickle him and lay on the couch and watch stupid tv shows. I couldn’t do that to him. It wasn’t just him, I shut everyone out. My sister, my best friend, my family. If I had my wish, it would to just sit alone in my apartment in silence and stare out the window. Finally understanding why mental patients did that. It’s calming. You’re safe in there…you don’t have to communicate and try to pretend that you’re okay.
I could see how my illness was draining him too. It’s frustrating when you’re trying to do everything to get someone to want to live, to laugh, to talk…to be in love; to be normal…..and they don’t respond at all. He would have spent all this time trying to save my life when I wasn’t trying to save my own.
He hates me now. I understand all the things he’s going through. I broke up with him to set him free from all this, and also selfishly because it was breaking my heart to see him so sad. It was like looking at my failure in the face and seeing what I was doing to another human being. I couldn’t get well fast enough for him and I don’t know how long it will be until I am okay again.
I’m in an 8 week class and round 2 of blood tests. 3 different medications. I have no idea.
Someone said, “Hate isn’t sustainable.” and that is what I keep holding on to. Someday he won’t hate me for the choices I had to make to save my life….and his future.
Whoa. This last month has been incredibly difficult to get through.
When I got back from L.A. from shooting this wedding I fell into this really dark place in my head.
Everything was to overwhelming and I just couldn’t function. I mean, I did function. That is something I have learned I do. Get up and keep going. There wasn’t a single moment that I wasn’t silently chanting, “i can’t do this anymore. i can’t. it’s all just too much.” The stress of everything finally caught up with me and it ripped me open and pulled me to this place I hadn’t visited in so very long.
Within days I knew I couldn’t do this alone and I reached out for help from my doctor who basically told me I needed to lose weight and get a grip on my emotions. (just for the record, asshat…being overweight doesn’t instantly make people depressed.) I did demand that he send me to a specialist and get blood work done. This wasn’t my first rodeo with anxiety and depression. Ugh. I hate that I have to use the word ‘depression’ because that isn’t a word I would ever associate with myself. There are people in my life that fight that depression battle and what I was feeling doesn’t even come close to what they have to deal with. This was just a short term thing…or so I kept telling myself.
The specialist couldn’t help me. She was amazing though. FINALLY someone that might not have suffered what I was going through, but was sympathetic to where I was. As we finishing up our eval she sat back in her chair and said, “That was the first time in all the years that I have felt like I actually was talking to someone that wasn’t just here to get drugs.” It’s sad that she said that, but I know what kind of society we live in and for those of that need help can’t get it because of the abuse. She spent the next 20 minutes trying to locate someone that could help me and wrote my doctor a letter. Despite the letter, he refused to help.
I hate our health care system.
I’ve gotten back to hiking and during those times I seem to be able to get back to where I need to be. I got the new Garmin Vivoactive. It’s alright. There are some strange quarks that I need to figure out before the next outing.
I have tiny little wrists and it’s taking some getting use to having it on all the time.
This weekend is Western States 100 mile endurance run. I’m volunteering again this year. It will be weird not being at Foresthill, but I am glad I am getting the opportunity to get back out there and do this again!
I’m still working on my next installment of “SELF”. I have been thinking about it a lot lately and more aware of when someone uses the word ‘self’ or when I say “My” or “Myself”. It’s helping me through this place I am still in.
I was on my way home from work one day and I had my Pandora set to a comedy station because Lord knows that I need a little comedy after some of the days I have there.
The skit started out like a self help workshop delivered in a high pitch emphatic tone and before I had a chance to change the channel, I heard something that resonated so deep in my soul I had to quickly pull over to find the name of the comedian. Katt Williams. I had never heard of him, but when he was talking about women saying “You messed up my self esteem…” and his response was “Bitch it’s called SELF ESTEEM! It’s the esteem of ya Mutha Fuckin Self Bitch… How did I fuck up how YOU feel about YOU?” instead of laughing, it was an AH-HA moment for me.
It was then I started the dissecting of the words associated with the word SELF.
It was time to start analyzing and examining the words I put with SELF. Self is ME and the person I am. What words in the past had I used without any thought to ownership?
My esteem is what I feel about myself. Be it a high or low esteem should be based on no one’s assessment of me…it’s not their esteem to assess. It’s mine. It’s my very own sense of worth.
I decided that I will start researching the word “SELF” and what it really means and begin listening to words that I put with it.
It was during a hike with a friend when she said something about “Self Hate” and I thought about those two words separate from each other. Self…me. Hate..the ugliest word in our vocabulary. Why would I want to put those two words together?
Nearly every single day when I open up Facebook I read some inspirational quote about one thing or another. “Be careful how you talk to yourself. You’re listening.” I’m probably guilty of sharing this one at some point in the last 6 years. This was the first time though that I really thought about it.
So this starts a series of writing about Point A (where I am) to Point B (the place I am on my way to) and this journey to get me there. It starts with not assigning anyone with the ownership of my esteem. It will journey through the extradition of blame that I had assigned to people in my past with the destruction. It will show me better ways to talk to myself and even more important how I LISTEN to myself.
Hopefully through this I will stop throwing around words that have no right being paired together.
So I deactivated my FB, but my friend Tammy sent me a snapshot 72 hours after I deactivated and it’s still there. She posted pictures of Alyx and I wanted to see them full screen. I logged back in long enough to check my messages and leave a comment on the photos. I deleted the App from my phone and no longer will get notifications.
I only have 2 to 3k more pictures to cull through. It’s such a process. I will be SO happy when they are done. Today is going to be one of those days where i bring my laptop into work and cull through some of them during my lunch break.
It’s raining and cold. It fits me today.
I spent the day in my apartment cleaning and working on pictures. My lunch and dinner where Ikea meatballs. Yes, I know it sounds pathetic, but I think it was exactly what I needed.
The fish tank is moved out and I am going to take it to Goodwill on my next day off, which according to the calendar is in October. The boys are now in their separate non-noisy fish tanks and they are much happier. Bigger doesn’t always mean better, especially for two Betta fish.
Work was busy, I am trying to stay super busy during work so I don’t think about going outside and having a smoke. It’s such a hard habit to break. Get bored, go smoke. Today I spent an hour listening to dirty jokes from a customer. The best part is that he looked like he was in pain telling me dirty jokes, but he just had to tell me. I had to call him ten minutes after he left to get information on his car and he said, “Oh I was hoping you were calling to tell ME a joke.” I love our customers.
Alyx is in Redding getting her senior portraits done. The sneak peeks are adorable. Some will ask, “Why don’t you do them?” I would rather pay someone money than take my own kids pictures…YES, we have come that far. She acts totally different for other photographers, especially Tammy and I am grateful that someone else is doing them. Tammy sent me the pictures to my phone because she knows i’m not on FB anymore. Oh yeah, it’s going actually rather well not being online unless I am looking something up or writing here. Well, and pintrest…cause those trailer pictures are not going to pin themselves.
Meh. I am ready to call it a day. It’s weird coming home and not having anyone to talk to or anything really to look forward to. Not knowing when someone is working and if you’re going to be waken up with kisses in the middle of the night when he gets home. I will somewhere find a silver lining. Right now…I just really want a cig and an hour of candy crush….neither of which I can have. I guess I will nap and then stay up until 1 am working on pictures.
I know, jealous of my life aren’t you?
I have been kicking around the idea of deactivating my Facebook for quite some time. I almost did it a year ago and I probably should have then.
I need a break from everything and everyone. Things have been feeling a bit overwhelming lately and it’s time for me to find my center.
I had to call my ex on Friday to get some information from him so I could fill out a passport application that ironically I won’t be needing any more. Could have told me THAT before I had to bite the bullet and make that call. It was so weird to hear his voice on his voicemail. It’s been a lifetime, or at least it feels like it. He called me back and I asked how he was doing and how the family was. Neither one of us could remember our wedding date. We were two people that shouldn’t have ever gotten married. The thing is, I KNEW IT before I did it too. Idiot. Anyway, I swear it sounded like I was interrupting his suicide. I guess talking to me has that effect on exes. I actually do hope he is happy. What happened, happened. Water under the bridge.
Things with me have been boiling under the surface. Anyone that really knows me saw this coming a long way off. Sad thing, most people don’t know me. It was time for me to delete some phone numbers, delete facebook and head out to the dropzone. It’s weird, right before a huge shift in my life I go there. Today was no different. My life shifted and I came home to emptiness. In typical Kristine fashion I rearranged the holes and filled them up with other things. I think that’s going to be a metaphor for my life. In a month or two I’ll find my footing and begin my phoenix like transformation into a new life that I am uncomfortable with and that scares the living shit out of me, but makes me stronger in the long run.
I had this odd conversation with Dan on the way to the DZ. We were talking about stupid shit like the cosmos and religion. After we are gone, we are actually just poof. gone. We are so tiny in this big galaxy of a million galaxies we can’t even see or fathom. Then I was talking to Victoria and we were talking about death. We both are in agreement that hopefully we don’t make it past 60. Not going to lie, sounds good to me. I’d only have 17 more years of this dumb ass bullshit. Yes, I’d like to see my grandkids, but I honestly think that the stories my kids could tell them would surpass anything I could actually achieve. Dan said he wanted to live forever. I am ready whenever God, the cosmos, a semi truck want to take me. No, i’m not suicidal, I am just seeing a side to old age that I am not too thrilled about and if it’s something I will put my kids through, 60 is a good jumping off pad.
With that being said, I won’t ever see anything outside of the United States so I better enjoy the places I can see around here. Find new places to find my center.
I deactivated Facebook. I guess it’s an act of congress to actually DELETE Facebook. It will reactivate in 28 days automatically if I want it to or not. So odd.
So now I am on this weird version of my Spotify because once I deactivated FB, I have to make new sign in and none of my playlists are on there. Probably good, I would have been tempted to listen to “This” soundtrack and get all sad and shit. Instead I am listening to classical music now. Don’t get me started on Candy crush. 28 days without it. I think I will live, but I can’t play it because it won’t auto advance to my spot if I am not logged in. 28 days of staying unplugged and focusing on me, my writing, my photos. Maybe I will do it.
My friend, Lisa said today it was time to take flight and I said I wasn’t ready, but soon. She wants me to find a balance in my life and I do too. I guess sometimes you don’t get to decide to take flight, sometimes you’re pushed into having to fly and today I was pushed. Time to fly I guess.
It’s been a busy week. In the middle of editing photos I had Shea’s prom I needed to get ready for. Luckily her Dad stepped in on the day of and took her to get her hair and make up done. She’s getting better at not being such a brat when it comes to stuff like this, but if you were to ask her sister, Alyx she would highly disagree. I’ve found that just throwing money at the situation seems to do the trick on my end.
She looked beautiful. She is such a stunning young lady. Her boyfriend, Jeremy was awesome too. He showed up on time and I got to get some of just him. They make an adorable couple and they compliment each other’s personalty.
This was one fun wedding, but OH SO EXHAUSTING. This was an all day affair. Up in the morning to get the opening of the wedding gift all the way to the last round at the pub by the hotel they were staying at after the wedding was over.
So today is my birthday and this is the first time in forever that I honestly don’t give a shit. I use to know someone that when their birthday would come around I would make a big deal out of it and they would say, “It’s just another day.” and I thought how sad and depressing that was because it’s not just another day, it’s the day you were born and that should be a special day. I get it…it’s just another day this year.
I ‘hid’ my birthday on FB because I don’t want to deal with the people that are only coming by to say HBD because FB reminded them to. Even I won’t leave a birthday wish on people’s page if we never talk.
So today is just another Tuesday in the books.
I am getting my nails done and a massage tonight so that will be my celebration to myself.