Crossroads

Posted By: randomandodd  //  Category: Random

I’m being told by the higher powers that I need to write one of those heart wrenching posts. I don’t really know if I have it in me, but since she wants to hear depressing…let’s talk about my first marriage. JUST KIDDING!

Believe it or not, that book I said I was working on, is something still in the making. It’s HARD writing a book! No one told me it would be hard.  I already have the front cover designed though. Imagine with me if you will; Test Crash Dummy car and wall with the bullseye. The picture will be taken from the back seat and in the front will be one of the crash test dummies in a wedding gown.  Title, “You could learn a lot from this Dummy.”  What do you think? too much?

Here is a small portion of a life long book I am writing:

Many years ago I met this woman that was happily married to her best friend. She said to me one day that she would never fully trust a man. I thought that was absolutely the craziest thing I had ever heard, because her husband was the most devoted married man on the planet.  She told me, “You can never trust someone 100%.”
I thought she might have had one to many shots of whiskey when she said it, so I brushed it off as drunken talk.
During our friendship she would repeat this and I always tried to tell her, “Are you serious? Your husband is madly in love with you!”  Everything about their marriage screamed success.
She would just smile and say, “I know. I just don’t trust 100%”.
I wish I could go up to her now and kiss her on the mouth and say, “I WAS SO WRONG! TEACH ME!”
I believed I could trust someone with every ounce of trust I had in me.  I had been in relationships where I didn’t trust someone. It was so obvious the game they were trying to pull. If anyone was an expert on seeing the game being played, it was me. Not only had I played the game, I also did some arm chair coaching.
Funny how when someone pulls something over on you so wickedly that it makes you stop cold in your tracks and you have to either applaud or burst into flames.
I found out what my response was when my boyfriend was playing a dangerous game with my trust.
Ice cold. I turned into a statue. It felt like hours before I could move my fingers and when I finally did move, I burst into flames.

This is just a very small part of the book, but it brings me back to the person I am now, after all these years of wearing flame retardant clothing.
You would think after that run through the flames of untrust that I would be smart enough to not even come close to the fire again, but I did and I continue to.
Being human is trusting people for years, telling them your secrets, letting them get to know who you really are, depending on that relationship and then getting hurt because of all of it.
My question is; is it worth it?
Of course it is. Right?
That is where I am in my life right now. I don’t know who to trust anymore.  Being forgiving to a fault and not liking it when people can’t get along has been my downfall in the past.

My therapist thinks it’s a good thing that I am finally allowing myself to cut people out of my life that are not healthy.  It’s sometimes sad seeing old pictures, watching videos and having those good memories of laughing and having a friend that knows you, has been there for you…but I guess what hurts worse is knowing all that time, that person didn’t really like the person you were.
I’m not one of those people that are really good at remembering why I was mad at someone, but I do remember the hurt and pain of certain words and that is what I have to remember when I am confronted with a situation where I have to make a choice.

I guess it’s okay not to trust 100%.  It just sounds so sad.