Twas a few days ‘fore Christmas (or…insert Decemberish holiday that doesn’t offend you), and computers are humming.

You need an assignment, without one you’re bumming.

Your hostess is curled in the closet, near dead

While visions of laptops dance in her head (fucking H.P).

When all of a sudden, on Random and Odd,

A substitute teacher, an obvious fraud (or hero who saves old asian ladies, whichever you choose to call me).

I’ll be nice for Kristine, and all of you whiners

Who aren’t professional photographers or graphic designers.

OK, this poem sucks. It ends here.

Your assignment, should you choose to accept:

1. One decoration. Pick an ornament, or light, or beer can (for you, Pissy). Whatever one thing in or around your home that you’d like to share with us.

2. One gift. Wrapped, unwrapped. Show off your favorite present without looking snobby! Show off some incredible gift-wrapping skills. Show off that Shaun autographed glossy 8×10 (for those off you smart enough to order before the holiday rush). Whatever. Pick a gift. If you’re not religious, buy Kristine something and take a picture of it. I’ll make sure it reaches the closet unless it’s Stripper Cookies.

3. Something stuffed in a stocking. Be creative with this one!! Do I really need to explain?

OK, now play. No lame excuses about being busy. Or out of town. Are you Amish? Do they not have electricity where you’re going? If Kristine can get a toaster to reach the closet, you can surely get to a PC. Failure to play just makes next week harder on your classmates who DID do their work. God I hated substitutes. I’m sorry. I’m out.