I watched “One Flew Over the cuckoo’s Nest” tonight.
Shaun fell asleep half way through, and even though I’m not a big movie watcher, I was too lazy to get up and turn it off. I watched it all the way through.
After it was over I thought; Anxiety. yes. Mentally Ill. no.

I turned off the tv and got into bed thinking about how much Jack Nicholson reminded me so much of an old friend of mine, Dale. He has the same ‘Devil may care’ attitude. I talked to Dale the other day online. He got married. I’m getting married too.

I’m getting married. I need to set a date. I guess I need to set a timeframe of how long it will take me to lose this weight so I can fit into a dress.

It’s about here I realize what I am doing. I’m going into ‘anxiety mode’. I rub my eyes and scratch my scalp real hard. That might help clear my head enough to go to sleep.
The lights are off. The TV is off. Shaun’s asleep right here. I’m safe.

Sometimes if I roll over it will shut off the anxiety or redirect my thoughts. Now on my left side I am thinking about the car. I need to renew the insurance. They are going to want some sort of payment up front. I’m going to have to use some of the child support check to take care of that. I need to call the ex tomorrow and have him…oh God. I can’t breathe.

I sit up and try rolling over to the other side. The other side is full of everything I left over on the other side now. Car insurance. Dress sizes. Ex husbands.
I can actually feel my stomach knotting up as I try to find a comfortable pillow.

Excedrin PM or Benedryl…which one will knock me out fastest? The clock only says 1am. There is no way I can fall asleep on my own that early. I could turn back on the television and get lost in the episode of Frosty the Snowman I have Tivoed. No. I need to learn to go to sleep on my own.

I put my head back down and try to remember a time when I could turn off the lights and go to sleep like a normal person without feeling like I am going to burst into tears, clutch my stomach and explode. I know there was a time when I could lay down and not worry about every single detail of my life.
Is there a way I could just focus on ONE part of my life without everything jumping in line screaming “WHAT ABOUT ME? Remember ME?”
Was I really good at drowning those things out or did I not have that before? When did all of this start?

Realizing that trying to analyze why I have anxiety isn’t going to make it better I decide to get up and check the locks on the house. OCD? no. maybe a little. When did I start doing this? I check to make sure the boy is covered and the back door is locked. The locks on the door seems a bit harder to turn. I need to get that checked. I also need to call the people about the carpet. I really need to have it cleaned again. dumb dogs. During a task to try to get my mind off not being able to sleep, I pile more on.

I know. I’ll go to bed and swear to only think about really good things. This week the kids are off of school and Shaun took his vacation time. I need to clean the bedroom. I just tripped over something that may or may night be alive at the foot of my bed. This week we are going to do neat things like some home repair and I promised to take the kids rollerskating. How did I get swindled into doing that again? Oh yeah, dumb ex asked me if I would. Oh yeah. I need to tell him to come over and drop off the check he keeps forgetting to drop off. I would rather I didn’t have to do that. He always makes me listen to his financial whoas when I do. STOP. I swore to only think of the good stuff.
Skiing. Tyler and Shaun have never been skiing so I am taking them skiing. Tomorrow is Wednesday right? Shit. We have to go on Wednesday or Thursday because Friday they go to their mom’s house. I need to call and check road conditions. This is going to be a pain in the ass. Who’s going to watch the little ones while we go?

I roll over again, hoping to locate the pillow that will somehow cause me to fall asleep when I see the answering machine messages. 18. The dog ate the phone lines and now I have no house phone. There are static messages on the machine from parents saying they may or may not be able to make it to Alyx’s birthday party at the roller rink next week. The same party I HAVE NOT BOOKED YET.

GOOD THINGS. I lay back down and think about Christmas with my sister. I love her so much. At any point my parents could die.

I’m up now. There is NO way to go back to sleep after that.

I go and crack the bedroom door and climb back into bed. Sometimes getting up out of the bed will shake bad thoughts. Sometimes I will stare at the door crack and listen for things. It’s my ‘Guard Dog’ motherly ways. If I just stare at the door I can make sure that nothing comes in the house, down the hallway and into my children’s rooms. Sometimes I stare at it until one eye closes…then the other and I fall asleep. At least, in my head, I can rationalize that fear.

Anxiety. yes. Mental illness. ?.