Shaun: “Don’t you love it when you go to the store and you buy Chili Cheese Fritos and put them in the cupboard, but forget you put the Chili Cheese Fritos in there. Then you go to the cupboard later and you have Chili Cheese Fritos you forgot you had. There’s nothing better than that.”
Me: “Yeah, Shaun…there is NOTHING better than that.”
Shaun: “I’m picking up on some sarcasm.”
Me: “You detected sarcasm?”
Shaun: “I detect DEADLY levels of sarcasm”
I was joking with Shaun earlier that I had peed 15 times in one hour. After he fell asleep and I was half way through the massive bottle of water he bought me at the store when I realized, “Crap, i’m going to be up all night peeing.”
Yes, I counted. 18.5 times in ONE hour. Now you might be saying to yourself, “Hope she has the soft toilet paper.” No, I don’t. Yesterday I went to the store and decided to let my 11 year old and her friend pick out what were going to eat for dinner, including having to pick out what brand.
They started out pretty frugal. They picked the thinly sliced bread, the smallest bundle of bananas anddddd the cheapest bulk wrapped toilet paper.
Six bucks bought like 24 rolls of toilet paper. By the time we got to the frozen food section all thoughts of saving money went out the window when they saw the ice cream. They got the keg of chocolate chip ice cream, the waffle bowls, waffle cones, the chocolate that hardens when it hits the ice cream (Thanks Kathy for showing that to my daughter!) They also picked out a 4 dollar bottle of Cool Whip in the can. Next time, I shop alone.
The toilet paper is like wiping with the Sunday paper inserts. I think I have a paper cut.
Shaun didn’t find my joke about peeing 15 times in an hour. Remember he’s not big on talking about things like that. Just to make him even more uncomfortable I said, “Hey honey, I’m peeing bright orange! It’s like I’m peeing Tang!”
Honeymoon’s over, folks.
Ever watch a movie and then afterward you’re all like, I want to be that, him, her, that life?
Right now. I am Holly Kennedy from P.S. I Love You.
I’ve been on this weird movie kick. In the last 7 years I can count how many times I’ve wanted to go to Hollywood Video and rent a movie on one hand. Twice. This week.
It started with The Ex’s Netflix thing where you can watch movies online. ONLINE. Movies from the comfort of my own laptop and headphones. Shaun doesn’t have to be a part of my weird documentary phase, or old movie kick..or movies that remind me of a part of my life that has since been wiped away. I can pick whatever I wanted and didn’t have to hear, ‘Chick flick’ or ‘Why a movie on the children of Alabama that were killed in a church?” Just because, that’s why. I’m one of THOSE people. I’m one of those strange people that rip through different types of things and YES, I am exactly that person that takes a bite of the chocolates in the box and decides if she likes the taste…and If I don’t, I put it back and hope someone else doesn’t mind that I didn’t. Guess what? People don’t mind. Shaun doesn’t really care either. He doesn’t care that I will sit down and read every single James Patterson book in a series and then decide to never read another James Patterson book because for no other reason than I feel like I am betraying THAT series I fell in love with.
It’s strange to walk through your life with someone for so long and then it’s over. Tonight Dan’s parent’s showed up. For those of you just getting on the R&O express, Dan is my ex-husband. I haven’t seen his parents since years before our split in 2000. They are doing there tour of children and grandchildren that started in NC, through Colorado, California, Ohio and then back to NC. They are making some gas companies VERY happy as they move along in their 1970’s van across the states.
They never liked me, his mom I mean. I overheard her talking about this ‘young’ teenager Dan brought with him for a visit. Of course, I didn’t know at the time they already knew that he had gotten a girl pregnant. I was certain that information had not been told to them, since I had just found out.
Honestly, I don’t think they ever really liked me. Now that I think about it, they didn’t. I was 10 years younger than their son and he was making a huge mistake. How was I to know? I was a young teenager.
So tonight I watched them from across the dinner table. They are older now, of course. Her husband hasn’t changed at all. For the most part neither has she. He still makes sure she’s eating at the right time so she can take her pills and she still lets us all know that it’s time to get back home because he’s tired. It’s been 18 years and they are the same couple they were that first time I spent the weekend in their guest bedroom doing unnameable things to their son in the name of youth and stupidity.
You would think it was strange that I went and had dinner with my ex-husband and his family tonight. Perhaps it was, but then it dawned on me why it didn’t feel even a little bit awkward.
See, Dan’s mom left his dad when he was finishing up high school. His dad remarried. By the time I was around, I guess they had all worked out the kinks. I never once saw his mom and dad fight. They actually got along. There were times when his mother would come to visit and we all would sit around together.
It was HIS parents that taught me that it’s okay to get along. I was a product of a two parent household. I didn’t learn this on my own.
Duh! I spent my the first day of married life in a gazebo with his Dad and wife and his Mom and her husband laughing and talking as if it was so normal for ex’s to get along. How did I forget that? HIS mother, the one that hated me gave me the greatest thing I have right now…no, not the ex-husband and his brats…the ability to see past all the bullshit for the sake of being happy and making others around me comfortable.
So today I feel like I have been given a second chance at something. Does that mean that the urge to rip out Shaun’s vocal cords with my bare hands while he soundly sleeps next to me? Nooooooo. Of course not. Does it mean that I instantly have trust again? Does it mean that I feel 100% better and that sunshine is going to fly out of my ass? Nooooooo, pretty sure all those things with the exception of the sunshine will take time.
I want to be able to forgive again. He forgives me for so much. Like how I never put the toilet paper on the role. How even though there is a dresser and walk in closet, our clothes are in 4 different laundry baskets on the bedroom floor. I forgive him for the fact that I have to always ask him to take the bathroom garbage out and the sprinkler head in the front yard is broken again and we have a water fall down our driveway every night at 10pm because of it. I want to forgive again because some days I get on the floor and put the clothes away or take the trash out myself. I want to forget all of it because sometimes he will put the paper on the toilet roll or will make 4 trips to Home Depot before he just throws his hands in the air and allows me to call Dan to figure out why the sprinkler doesn’t work.
It’s for the fact that we both notice that we give and take in this marriage.
So tonight…I will not rip out his vocal cords. Tomorrow is another day and that option is right back on the table. See, those there are baby steps…and I am taking them.
Me:”I was thinking about doing Sexual Healing…thus insuring I wouldn’t have to worry about having younger readers to my site ever again.”
Shaun: “or how about ‘Let’s See How Far We’ve Come’.” *wiggling eyebrows*
Me: “How about a picture of me and it could be, ‘The Last Beautiful Girl’.”
Shaun: “Or ‘Crazy’.”
This week Stuff Portrait Friday is Hero. I had several days to think on it and as the hours came down to minutes, I realized that if you have been reading this blog for anytime, you know who my heroes are.
1. My Mother: You know that saying, “you’ve come a long way,baby.”? I’m pretty sure that was made up for her. Her road isn’t a road I would wish on anyone. I wish over and over she could see how proud of her that I am. To see her at rock bottom and not only pull herself up, but bring those around up with her is awesome.
2. My sister: I get googled, kid you not, EVERY SINGLE DAY for this entry. I’m not sure if someone just likes reading it, or if there are people out there that are writing letters to their sisters and need a little help. I’m pretty sure they can’t say the same things about their sister as I can say about mine. She’s special. I’m her only sister and she makes sure that means something.
3. Martin Luther King Jr.: His words. My world changed when I began reading his words. The way he looked at people and their actions made all the sense in the world to me. How could we not all live in THAT world he describes with such passion? To live your life with drive and ambition for GOOD and love.
These are the people you know are my heroes.
There are other people in my life that are too. My brother, Barry. (dorky one in the back) My brother, Jerry (dorky one to my right) and my dorky brother, Michael (not in picture) and the people that love them. Today my brother Michael turns 41. To me, he’s still 10. He’s still that mean ass brother that picked on me and also made sure that my first day of school I wasn’t crying the whole time. He would peak through the window of my class on his recess break to make sure I was okay. My husbands; Ex and Current. Shit, they put up with me. Do you know how much restraint that must take them?
My friends; Really, come on…you think you have to hear me bitch? You get the Cambells soup version of what they have to hear. My husband’s ex-wife; We take turns being the evil one. I think today was my day. Sorry, Tabitha. Old friends that no matter what I did or said to them STILL love me. You have no idea what your forgiveness means to me.
So who’s my hero? Me.
It’s who all those people that I love SO much and look up to would want me to call my hero. Myself.
It’s who I want my daughters to call their hero. Themselves.
Noooooo, they certainly didn’t have it as bad as that group of people in the picture that share a last name. NOT EVEN CLOSE. If not getting to go on the ‘East Coast Trip’ or getting your cell phone taken away is as bad as it gets, count yourself lucky.
I’m a survivor. I didn’t do it alone. I’ve had hundreds of hands (my family…and YOURS) pick me up and dust me off. At the end of the day, I have to live this life the best way I know how. I think I might be doing okay.
Now, I am going to force myself to go to sleep because tomorrow I am going with Dan and the kids to Redding to watch my step son in his last play of his high school career. Ryan hasn’t been my ‘official’ step son for the last 8 years, but that doesn’t change my love for him and how I will always support him in no matter what he does in life. It also means I will need to take about 6 xanax to be able to sit with his mother who thinks I am satan in a pair of flip flops.
So, who’s your hero? You picked me huh? Yeah…I thought so. DID YOU PLAY???
I love falling asleep during interesting TV shows. It makes for bitchen dreams. Today I fell asleep while watching CNN. I had this dream I was a news reporter, going to New Orleans to check the damage. In the process of this helicopter ride, I fell in love with a brother that was convicted of murder, be he didn’t do it. What I couldn’t figure out was how New Orleans could have been flooded when it was really in the desert and had cliffs.
Never once did I say my dreams made sense, but damn are they interesting. They always feel so vivid. When I wake up I am happy because I went somewhere I have never been…or ever will be…unless they decide to relocate N.O. to Yosemite.
The other day during a late day nap I woke up for a split second to hear that Shaun and Marina were watching “The Amazing Race”. I fell back asleep hoping I wouldn’t incorporate that show into my dream…or maybe it was just a dream. I mean, come on…this whole Amazing Race thing was just a whim right?
Dan came over last night to fix some electrical problem that required a volt meter that I no longer own. He had to do some other stuff that would require turning off the power, which he didn’t because he finds joy in watching me freak out as he cuts live wires and rewires them. He jumps and pulls his hand back just to watch me pee myself.
“So the uh..Passport papers for Amazing Race look like they are going to be around 200 bucks.” He says as he holding two wires that look like they shouldn’t touch.
“Mmm. yeah.” I am just sounding interested so he will hurry up and finish the rewiring and I can again use my bathroom outlets again.
“You can do it two different ways…you can….FLASHLIGHT.” I lift the flashlight back up and switch my weight to another side. “You can go through the post office or there is this one place that can do it. It’s the same amount.”
I don’t want to hurt his feelings and say, “Yeah, cause THAT is going to happen.” and I don’t want him to stop that rewiring thing he’s doing so well and that will make blow drying my hair so much easier if I can use the bathroom mirror and not blow dry it in the hallway.
Tonight, out of the blue, Shaun says; “I watched “The Amazing Race”…Dan and I can so win that!” Then he goes on and on about what it takes and it basically comes down to being able to ‘take shortcuts’.
Well…I certainly have a track record for marrying men that are good at taking short cuts. Didn’t I just spend 15 minutes in the garage while Dan rewired LIVE wires because he was either too lazy to shut off the power or just to damn stubborn to do it?
After all the serious stuff he had to tell me about (including passports and how to apply) we started joking about how they would loose.
“It would be something really stupid too…”
“Yeah, it could be the numerous phone calls from your ex wives asking you stupid questions.”
He then jokingly mimicked Tabitha and I, “Shaun…for real? The Great Wall of China? Get your ass off the Great Wall of China, the F*&^ing Christmas Tree fell over again!”
“Dan, I am NOT taking care of your stupid cats. You better just take them with you!”
The sad thing is…that would be their downfall, Us.
Me calling Dan to ask him who the lead singer of Foghat was and Tabitha calling Shaun to tell him that there was no where to park at work.
There is a place for our Ex Husbands…It doesn’t involve flying to China. It involves making sure they have good cell phone reception and the ability to block out our voices as we rant or ask stupid questions.
Need a recap for any new readers ??*coughyeahrightcough* or perhaps a reminder on how R & O we are.
Dan — My ex-husband and father of Kara, Alyx and Shea.
Shaun — Current husband, father to Tyler and Marina.
It has been suggested that someone needs to make a sitcom about our family, but in those TRULY random moments like…say…for example; When Shaun and I came home and Tabitha (Shaun’s ex wife) is making us a romantic dinner and my ex-husband is using our shower because he has a date and his power was off. And this is NORMAL for us. We realized that NO ONE outside of my readers and our friends would believe half the weirdness that makes us the ‘village’.
Dan has found a way to make it ONE step stranger.
For as long as I can remember Dan has always wanted to be on Amazing Race. Today he IMed me to see if Shaun would go to the try outs with him.
…and Shaun agreed.
I swear…if they get on that show, I am making Tabitha move back in. We will have our own show: “What happens when our two ex husbands go on a world traveling reality show and leave the two ex wives to tend to the 6 children.”
I’m thinking it would be sponsored by Xanax and Robert Mondavi Winery.
(taken last night after I tried to get up and fell back down)
Shaun was in the bathroom, bent over getting the last remaining pieces of Q-tips and hair balls the size of small dogs from behind the toilet when I walked up behind him quietly and grabbed his ass while yelling, “GOOSE!”
He smacked his noggin on the toilet!
“OH GOD, Shaun, I’m sorry!”
“Ouch. I hit my eye!”
*evil giggling* “I’m SOO sorry. I scared you huh?”
I scared him.
I’m doing that internal giggling as I walk down the hallway to use the other bathroom and run SMACK into the vacuum cleaner.
Karma. She’s a bitch.
[Big Eyes — I’m in trouble]
“Kristine…how many containers of product would you guess are in the shower?”
[covering my eyes — I’m in trouble]
“Just guess. How many bottles of WHATEVER in there; shampoo, conditioner, soaps. How many would you guess?”
[peeking out from hands]
“THIRTY FIVE! There are THIRTY FIVE BOTTLES OF STUFF IN THE SHOWER! That is a bottle for every year you have been alive.”
[mumble something about him taking out the trash in there]
“That’s it. I’m going to shower in the sink for now on.”
My sister is a hairdresser. I can’t help it.
It’s been awhile since the update on Random and Odd.
The kids are doing FanFrigginTabulous. They are loving school this year. High school is suiting the older girls and the younger girls are falling into their middle school grooves.
Shaun started softball tonight and that means his energy level will go up. He’s happier when he has his outlet.
As for me; I am working on this whole positive thinking thing. Everyday I tell myself that I am so very happy, even if it looks like it’s going to be a rough day.
My ability to be able to feel an anxiety attack coming on has always been a comfort. When I lowered my dosage of Celexa I went through the strange dizziness and headaches, but I was OK.
The last few days have been a bit harder than the others.
Today it felt like I was sitting in front of a fire and it was burning my chest, yet the rest of my body felt normal. My arms and hands have been very shaky.
Now I feel like I have this alien in my chest trying to burst out.
I took something to help me through it and I put my head on the pillow for a second. FOUR hours later I woke up drenched in sweat and feeling like I had been beaten up. Now I have the ‘slept too long shakes’.
After a long bath, I washed my hair, blow dried it and curled it to get rid of the frizzy. I haven’t had my hair down in so long and I realized that my hair, out of a pony…comes down to the middle of my back. Whoa.
This is not my comeback post. If it were, I would have danced better and not hidden behind my backup dancers.