• ex,  hope,  Shaun

    putting on my stride rites

    Ever watch a movie and then afterward you’re all like, I want to be that, him, her, that life?
    Right now. I am Holly Kennedy from P.S. I Love You.

    I’ve been on this weird movie kick. In the last 7 years I can count how many times I’ve wanted to go to Hollywood Video and rent a movie on one hand. Twice.  This week.

    It started with The Ex’s Netflix thing where you can watch movies online. ONLINE. Movies from the comfort of my own laptop and headphones.  Shaun doesn’t have to be a part of my weird documentary phase, or old movie kick..or movies that remind me of a part of my life that has since been wiped away.  I can pick whatever I wanted and didn’t have to hear, ‘Chick flick’ or ‘Why a movie on the children of Alabama that were killed in a church?”   Just because, that’s why. I’m one of THOSE people.  I’m one of those strange people that rip through different types of things and YES, I am exactly that person that takes a bite of the chocolates in the box and decides if she likes the taste…and If I don’t, I put it back and hope someone else doesn’t mind that I didn’t.  Guess what? People don’t mind.  Shaun doesn’t really care either. He doesn’t care that I will sit down and read every single James Patterson book in a series and then decide to never read another James Patterson book because for no other reason than I feel like I am betraying THAT series I fell in love with.

    It’s strange to walk through your life with someone for so long and then it’s over.  Tonight Dan’s parent’s showed up. For those of you just getting on the R&O express, Dan is my ex-husband.  I haven’t seen his parents since years before our split in 2000.   They are doing there tour of children and grandchildren that started in NC, through Colorado, California, Ohio and then back to NC.  They are making some gas companies VERY happy as they move along in their 1970’s van across the states.
    They never liked me, his mom I mean.  I overheard her talking about this ‘young’ teenager Dan brought with him for a visit.  Of course, I didn’t know at the time they already knew that he had gotten a girl pregnant. I was certain that information had not been told to them, since I had just found out.
    Honestly, I don’t think they ever really liked me. Now that I think about it, they didn’t. I was 10 years younger than their son and he was making a huge mistake.  How was I to know? I was a young teenager.

    So tonight I watched them from across the dinner table.  They are older now, of course. Her husband hasn’t changed at all. For the most part neither has she. He still makes sure she’s eating at the right time so she can take her pills and she still lets us all know that it’s time to get back home because he’s tired.  It’s been 18 years and they are the same couple they were that first time I spent the weekend in their guest bedroom doing unnameable things to their son in the name of youth and stupidity.

    You would think it was strange that I went and had dinner with my ex-husband and his family tonight.  Perhaps it was, but then it dawned on me why it didn’t feel even a little bit awkward.
    See, Dan’s mom left his dad when he was finishing up high school.  His dad remarried.  By the time I was around, I guess they had all worked out the kinks.  I never once saw his mom and dad fight.  They actually got along.  There were times when his mother would come to visit and we all would sit around together.
    It was HIS parents that taught me that it’s okay to get along.  I was a product of a two parent household. I didn’t learn this on my own.
    Duh! I spent my the first day of married life in a gazebo with his Dad and wife and his Mom and her husband laughing and talking as if it was so normal for ex’s to get along.  How did I forget that? HIS mother, the one that hated me gave me the greatest thing I have right now…no, not the ex-husband and his brats…the ability to see past all the bullshit for the sake of being happy and making others around me comfortable.

    So today I feel like I have been given a second chance at something.  Does that mean that the urge to rip out Shaun’s vocal cords with my bare hands while he soundly sleeps next to me? Nooooooo.  Of course not.  Does it mean that I instantly have trust again? Does it mean that I feel 100% better and that sunshine is going to fly out of my ass? Nooooooo, pretty sure all those things with the exception of the sunshine will take time.

    I want to be able to forgive again.  He forgives me for so much. Like how I never put the toilet paper on the role. How even though there is a dresser and walk in closet, our clothes are in 4 different laundry baskets on the bedroom floor.  I forgive him for the fact that I have to always ask him to take the bathroom garbage out and the sprinkler head in the front yard is broken again and we have a water fall down our driveway every night at 10pm because of it.  I want to forgive again because some days I get on the floor and put the clothes away or take the trash out myself.  I want to forget all of it because sometimes he will put the paper on the toilet roll or will make 4 trips to Home Depot before he just throws his hands in the air and allows me to call Dan to figure out why the sprinkler doesn’t work.
    It’s for the fact that we both notice that we give and take in this marriage.

    So tonight…I will not rip out his vocal cords.  Tomorrow is another day and that option is right back on the table.  See, those there are baby steps…and I am taking them.

  • hope

    how to boost your self esteem, and then get knocked on your ass.

    I joined “Curves for Women” today.  Yep, they had this 30 days for 30 bucks and since I have spent 30 bucks on stupid things like bad wine and leg warmers, I figured since I would pay a 11 year old to make sure I drank water for a month, I can spend my money wisely and try working out.

    Guess what? I am the youngest person EVER when I am there.

    Guess what? I got my ass beat down by some old women in New Balance shoes and “World Best Great Grandma” t-shirts.  If I am being 100% honest, I think one of those women was wearing the orthopedic shoes….they were brown and shiny.

    So I am going to be kicking it REALLY old school for the next month. If I start saying stuff like, ‘nay sayer and geewizards’ you can officially stop reading my blog.

  • Anxiety,  Dashababy,  friends,  hope,  Letters,  My Brats,  Shaun,  stuff portrait friday,  The Fonz

    and then a hero comes along.

    This week Stuff Portrait Friday is Hero.  I had several days to think on it and as the hours came down to minutes, I realized that if you have been reading this blog for anytime, you know who my heroes are.

    1. My Mother: You know that saying, “you’ve come a long way,baby.”? I’m pretty sure that was made up for her. Her road isn’t a road I would wish on anyone.  I wish over and over she could see how proud of her that I am. To see her at rock bottom and not only pull herself up, but bring those around up with her is awesome.

    2. My sister: I get googled, kid you not, EVERY SINGLE DAY for this entry. I’m not sure if someone just likes reading it, or if there are people out there that are writing letters to their sisters and need a little help. I’m pretty sure they can’t say the same things about their sister as I can say about mine. She’s special. I’m her only sister and she makes sure that means something.

    3. Martin Luther King Jr.: His words. My world changed when I began reading his words. The way he looked at people and their actions made all the sense in the world to me. How could we not all live in THAT world he describes with such passion? To live your life with drive and ambition for GOOD and love.

    These are the people you know are my heroes.

    There are other people in my life that are too. My brother, Barry. (dorky one in the back) My brother, Jerry (dorky one to my right) and my dorky brother, Michael (not in picture) and the people that love them.   Today my brother Michael turns 41.  To me, he’s still 10. He’s still that mean ass brother that picked on me and also made sure that my first day of school I wasn’t crying the whole time. He would peak through the window of my class on his recess break to make sure I was okay. My husbands; Ex and Current. Shit, they put up with me. Do you know how much restraint that must take them?
    My friends; Really, come on…you think you have to hear me bitch? You get the Cambells soup version of what they have to hear.  My husband’s ex-wife; We take turns being the evil one. I think today was my day. Sorry, Tabitha.  Old friends that no matter what I did or said to them STILL love me.  You have no idea what your forgiveness means to me.

    So who’s my hero?  Me.
    It’s who all those people that I love SO much and look up to would want me to call my hero. Myself.
    It’s who I want my daughters to call their hero. Themselves.
    Noooooo, they certainly didn’t have it as bad as that group of people in the picture that share a last name. NOT EVEN CLOSE.  If not getting to go on the ‘East Coast Trip’ or getting your cell phone taken away is as bad as it gets, count yourself lucky.

    I’m a survivor. I didn’t do it alone. I’ve had hundreds of hands (my family…and YOURS) pick me up and dust me off.  At the end of the day, I have to live this life the best way I know how.  I think I might be doing okay.

    Now, I am going to force myself to go to sleep because tomorrow I am going with Dan and the kids to Redding to watch my step son in his last play of his high school career. Ryan hasn’t been my ‘official’ step son for the last 8 years, but that doesn’t change my love for him and how I will always support him in no matter what he does in life. It also means  I will need to take about 6 xanax to be able to sit with his mother who thinks I am satan in a pair of flip flops.

    So, who’s your hero?  You picked me huh? Yeah…I thought so.  DID YOU PLAY???

  • hope

    Jenelle’s Hopeopotamus

    Because I am really trying to do too many things, I’ve taken on another thing.

    It’s been something I have been sitting on for awhile now, and it’s time to throw it out there and see if it will stick.

    Remember Blog Frog?  The poor guy that got lost somewhere out there in the world after visiting many homes? It was a Sue and Charlotte creation.
    Well, I have new blog frog that I am sending to Sue and Charlotte to start up again.

    Why am I not doing it?  Because I am doing something for one of the most important little bloggers. Well,  she doesn’t blog, but her mom does for her. Perhaps you’ve heard of her? Kelly, from Jenelle’s journey.  Jenelle suffers from a rare form of Epilepsy called Lennox Gastaut Syndrome.

    For my birthday a couple years ago, the girls bought me a ‘build a bear’ Hippo. They called it the Hopeopotamus.
    I am going to send Hope to Jenelle and her mom is going to get lots of pictures of Hope and their week long adventure and send it on to the next person on the list.  The next person will get to read the information about epilepsy, put a entry in the journal to Jenelle to have when she gets it back in 6 months.  While Hope is with you, we just want you to take pictures, become a bit more aware and send it to the next person.  If you want, you can add to the box (not too big though, it’s going to be traveling) and everything that is added will be a gift for Jenelle.

    If you’re interested in having a Hippo in your house for a week, please send me your home address at randomandodd at gmail dot com.
    You have to promise a few things:
    1. You will write something for Jenelle in her journal
    2. You will take the time to read what Kelly adds (or go visit Jenelle’s blog for awhile) and become more aware.
    3. You WILL MAIL IT OFF to the next person ONE WEEK LATER and get a ‘tracking’ number.

    That’s it.

    I’m starting it off this week by sending it with the girls and having them learn more about Jenelle and how she inspires hope like no one I’ve ever known.  Hopefully when the kids at school ask why they have a stuffed animal with them, they can share their hope for Jenelle.

    Pictures to follow.