Anxiety

Anxiety is something I live with everyday, but I don't let it run my life or this blog...but sometimes I need to get it out.

  • Anxiety,  journey

    Second Year…

    Today our two year anniversary.  Today is also the day I made our first marriage counseling appointment. No one puts on their wedding dress and thinks, ‘In two years from today, I am going to be making an appointment for counseling.’ No one expects the “Happy Anniversary” email to be followed up with an email for a therapists. I know, I’m suppose to be happy today.  This day is suppose to mean something, be an accomplishment. It just feels sort of hollow.  And this is where I pep talk myself into saying, “this is a journey and it’s a rough one and you have to work for it and life…

  • Anxiety,  Dashababy,  friends,  hope,  Letters,  My Brats,  Shaun,  stuff portrait friday,  The Fonz

    and then a hero comes along.

    This week Stuff Portrait Friday is Hero.  I had several days to think on it and as the hours came down to minutes, I realized that if you have been reading this blog for anytime, you know who my heroes are. 1. My Mother: You know that saying, “you’ve come a long way,baby.”? I’m pretty sure that was made up for her. Her road isn’t a road I would wish on anyone.  I wish over and over she could see how proud of her that I am. To see her at rock bottom and not only pull herself up, but bring those around up with her is awesome. 2. My…

  • Anxiety,  ex

    thank u

    There is this song by Alanis Morisette that I heard one night while sitting in my garage trying to piece together what was left of my sanity. Every time I hear the song, I remember that moment in time (2003) and how confused and scared I was. The song actually allowed me to get up and move again. I have been wanting to post it and give what I am ’thankful’ for. how bout getting off these antibiotics For me, this meant…there were things I was trying to do to ’heal’ myself and it was all the wrong things. how bout stopping eating when I’m full up Or how about…

  • Anxiety

    REALLY BAD DAY!

    You know when you say, “How can it get any worse?” DON’T. I’m going to leave out the doozies of why today sucked kiwis…because I can’t even talk about it without wanting to vomit. Mortgage/lender company: I googled them. OMG…everything I am going through has been a complaint by someone else going all the way back to 2005! I counted 18 people that had the same problem before I had to stop reading. Copyright: Somehow the copyright thing on this blog got mixed up with someone else. So that means the guy who designed this site isn’t getting credit. It was the people who the copyright it SAYS on here…

  • Anxiety,  journey

    It’s offically MONDAY

    After a phone call from my mortgage company informing me YET AGAIN they have screwed up my loan modification, Shaun insisted that I wasn’t going to crawl under the covers and cry like a baby. It’s been four months of hell dealing with this company.  I started out indignant that I was right and they were wrong. Then the letters saying, “Yo, chick…we own you…bend over and take it and like it.”  I decided that I better just buy the bottle of KY and let it begin.  After fire and hoops we came to an agreement.  For the last month I have finally felt like things were on the right…

  • Anxiety

    Long Drive Home…

    I love visiting my mom and sister. I hate the drive home. No matter who is with me or if I’m alone, I fall into this strange place between where I am now and where I was when I lost my mind. What song was on the radio, I don’t remember, but it triggered the thought of ‘who was there for me and who wasn’t there for me’. When I thought of all the people that turned their backs on me when I ‘lost my mind’ it made me start to cry. Just typing those words makes my throat start to constrict. When asked the question, “Do you hold grudges?…

  • Anxiety

    I can’t even swallow without wondering if my throat is closing up.

    Since I went off the medication I hardly talk about what I have been going through with it.  I keep telling myself every single day that I am alright. Everything is going to be alright.  Much of what is going through my mind can be negotiated.  Especially the attacks that use to rule my life.  Telling myself that I am managing it, seems to make it sound like I am more in control of it. I am blue though. Blue sounds so much better than frustrated, overwhelmed, annoyed, depressed, and just plain ‘what the f*ck ever’ Ever wish you were rich and had a winter/summer cabin in the woods where…

  • Anxiety,  journey

    Why did you use the ‘sad face’ picture?

    Shaun watched over my shoulder as I changed my layout again. “Why that picture?” he asked. “It’s how I feel.” “It’s depressing.” All I can say, is that is how I am feeling right now. Saying that I am ‘depressed’ isn’t easy for me.  It’s taken me a long time to admit that I had anxiety.  I think it’s going to be harder to admit that I have ‘depression’. Tyler and I have been battling through this cough and cold.  Yesterday when he got home from school we were both coughing. It was funny at first because I would cough, and then he would cough.  For awhile I thought we…

  • Anxiety,  journey

    Anxiety

    Back to the list of words.  I’ve been stuck on Anxiety.  You would think I would have a 5000 word essay on anxiety, but honestly, I’m so tired of it. I am tired of saying it. I’m tired of hearing it. I’m tired of having it. I called the head doctor about it. “up the dosage.”  I don’t WANT to up the dosage, I want to OFF the dosage. You would think they would remember that. I went to the other doctor. She said, “You’re 35. Things are changing.”  Why did that sound like a death sentence? I’ve always embraced my age.  Now all the sudden it’s the kiss of…