“It is not impermanence that makes us suffer. What makes us suffer is wanting things to be permanent when they are not.”

I listen to this podcast on Stoicism and yesterday this was the quote they used to introduce the show and I had to go find the quote and read it over and over. It feels like how I have been feeling lately and when I ask, “Do I want this?”
We are hardwired to look for that permanence with other people and find that relationship that is going to be your forever. We want to get that recognition of being a job for 10+ years,  we want forever even though we know it’s not realistic.
The podcast was talking about being lonely and the effects it has on your health. The example he used was the movie Cast Away with Tom Hanks. Years of being on a deserted island and he created a ‘friend’ in a volleyball.   Even Wilson wasn’t permanent.
As the podcaster went on with his calming voice about loneliness I started thinking about if I was lonely.  Nope. Big ol’ resounding nope. Every morning when I am laying on my couch writing for the day and my place is silent it makes me smile.
When I come home from work and I open the door and the scent of my home wraps around me it makes me smile.
I enjoy being alone more than I enjoy being around people.  Did NOT see that on my 2023 bingo card.  I’m an extrovert that enjoys all that comes with it, but lately this solitude feels like a blanket I can wrap myself up in.
This is what is making me happy, not lonely at all.
I’m embracing the impermanence of everything around me.  I feel like I am adding so much to my arsenal of healing.
Whenever a past hurt, a past need or expectation that I would normally have invades my thought process and the thought spiral happens I stop myself and ask, “let’s get to the center of this.”  At least 20 times yesterday that happened and each time I would put both hands on the table and start with, “Why does this matter enough for you to think about it?”
Then the conversations begin.  “Because If this happens it means this…”
Luckily my therapy brain is smarter, “Does it mean that? Does it have to mean that or is that preconceived bias you have to the situation?”
Every time I came up with, “Oh, I get it…I don’t really want that, it’s just what I think I should need.”
FUCK there is nothing better than figuring shit out in my life.
All that stuff before…did I want it?  Nope, don’t have time to dig into all that right now I just have to keep moving forward and asking myself in my Begin Again is this what I want right now and why do I want it if I do?
If I am going want something it better burn me from inside to have it…and when it doesn’t burn, I will not go with grace.